If you are a staunch Conservative Christian like I am, you may have recently noticed talk of a rapture tomorrow. I would like to be the first of my colleagues to say this is false. There will be no rapture tomorrow. All you heathens and homogays can rest easy. You heard it from Christwire first.
“But Alex,” you may be asking, “What is it that you know that the rest of Christiandome doesn’t?” Good thing you asked.
I know where this whole rapture deal came from. A man named Harold Camping, who is no better than a rotten homogay for what he is doing. His company, The Family Radio Network, is the source of all this Judgment talk. And the reasoning behind it may shock you!
A few months ago a harlot working at the Family Radio Network noticed Christwire, and seen that a lot of their base audience was beginning to turn to us for news of what is holy, instead of them. She immediately ratted to Camping who then decided there was only room for one Christian news network. That is when he hatched his scheme…
Yes, folks. It is all a publicity stunt to steal Twitter and Facebook time from Christwire. The Camping fellow figured that since he couldn’t take us one on one, seeing as how our journalistic integrity and immaculate delivery is second to none in this business, that he could probably steal back his listeners by creating his very own judgment day.
“But your accusations are baseless.” Really? Because it was documented that this very same man did this very same thing before, in 1994. Ironically, that was the very same year that our own Mr. Billings and Mr. Bowers III were young editors of a small news organization called “Christian Tribunal News”. They were doing surprisingly well until the Judgment day thing came along and many Christians canceled their subscriptions in anticipation.
These things are documented.
Yes indeed. This man Camping has destroyed Christwire once before with his heathenism. This time, however, he faces a well-oiled machine. We, at Christwire, are prepared to wake up Sunday morning, attend services, then go about our business fighting the Lord’s battle against the homogay and liberal agenda in our great nation. We have not been faltered in our course over this heathen’s lies.
Rest assured brothers and sisters, there will be no judgment day until our team of investigators uncovers it first. We have people everywhere, including this Camping fellows group, and if it is going to go down Christwire will be the one to tell you. God doesn’t always leak news of the rapture, but when he does, he leaks it to Christwire first.
Don’t be fooled by this man’s attempt to steal our legacy. Christwire will still be here on Sunday, and we will still be fighting for you and your Christian children against the homogay and liberal Satanists who want to steal your daughters sweet virgin pie. And when the real rapture comes, you won’t know anyways because God isn’t going to give the homogays a chance to repent.
Amen, and we will see you at the Sunday services.