Long Fingers: Masturbatory Bliss or Death Sentence?
Once a source of hedonistic pleasures for women, it has now been revealed that having long fingers may be symptomatic of Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis.
Sinful spinsters have often enjoyed the self-parting of the pink seas , but it’s no longer something to get wet over. ALS is a neurological disease that often strikes baseball players and causes muscle weakness, disability and eventually death. There is no known cure for this disease.
Now researchers at King’s MND Care and Research Center at King’s College London have discovered a correlation between the length of one’s finger and their likelihood for contracting the disease. The report was published in the May 9 edition of the Journal of Neurology, Neurosurgery and Psychiatry.
The investigators looked at the ratio of the length of each person’s index finger to ring finger — called the 2D:4D ratio. The researchers found that 2D:4D ratio was lower for people suffering from ALS, compared with those without the disease.
Early onset masturbation or “finger in the box” is a likely cause of the short 2d:4d: ratio.
Commenting on the study, Dr. Michael Geoffrey Benatar, an associate professor of neurology at the University of Miami Miller School of Medicine, said that:
“the idea that some early event in life makes one’s susceptibility to a neurodegenerative disease is not an unreasonable idea at all.”
As reported before, masturbation is a sin, it is rape, and our children should be taught that “one in the hand two on the bush” is a bad thing. Something that can cause, blindness, foul smelling fingers and now ALS.
May is National Masturbation Month. We need to work together to make 2011 the last year it is legal.
More information
For more information on ALS, visit the U.S. National Institute of Neurological Disorders and Stroke.
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.MA
- Sinful
- Suspicious
- Scared
- Sad
- Amused
- Laughing Out Loud
Author: Senator August Weisz
Retired Hydroelectric Engineer. Now spend my time helping others who won’t help themselves.
http://christwire.org/august-weisz-biography
MA
12:08 am
I masturbated today. It was awesome.
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12:16 am
Claire, don’t worry, after we are married you will no longer have the need to rape yourself in this way. You will be too busy fulfilling all of the wife’s duties both in and outside of the bedroom to have time for this awful act.
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12:21 am
How is masturbation rape but sex is not?
Oh, and I thought you were calling our “wedding” off.
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12:27 am
I prayed with my mentor Mr. Billings about our wedding and God told me that I could not call off this blessed union because he needs me to help you find your way back to the Wholesome life of a good Christian women.
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12:34 am
You know what, this isn’t, and has never been, funny. So either you stop joking about us getting married or your anus truly will be bruised sometime in the near future. If you find the concept of forced marriage to be amusing, I suggest you move to Saudi Arabia. There are lots of women there who you can legally oppress.
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1:15 am
I agree with you Claire. Marriage is not funny. It is a holy union entered into in front of God, one that creates an eternal partnership of a male and female. In this Holy partnership I will provide for us by purchasing a house, providing food and being the spiritual leader. There is nothing in any of my statements that should lead you to believe that I am forcing or trying to oppress you. Unless you believe that having another person provide a stable and loving home is oppressive, than all parents in the world should immediately be forced to “move to Saudi Arabia” too, as you put it.
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2:21 am
rape is only unwanted sexual contact if the person wants it then its not rape
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12:23 am
Bruce,
Sometimes there are men than are destined to break wild horses. I feel it is a privilege to know you as one.
God Bless you.
BB
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2:29 am
Blanche, you misspelled “whores.”
It should read, “Sometimes there are men than are destined to break wild whores.”
Thanks for you guiding light.
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5:16 am
Hugs and Praise for the re-write!
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6:48 am
It should read, “Sometimes there are men than are destined to break wild whores.”
Than are destined? No, ma’am, the proper quote is “Sometimes there are men that are destined to break wild whores.”
Please consult Jesus before trying to correct somebody in the ChristWire Fellowship.
Please continue reading, and commenting(after praying) though.
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2:13 pm
Yeah, except that I’m not a whore, as I’ve never had sex.
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12:46 am
Holy shit. I am in awe. You feel me with the urge to travel back in time and bitch smack the shit out of your parents for mindfucking you like they did. Claire is fighting your ignorance with logic, and when you and your kind die off it will be a happy day for all of us.
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12:57 am
FormerChristian, Please stop with your horrible lies and brutal slander of good, wholesome people like Rev. Custer. I’m sorry that Satan has found his way into your life and has convinced you to go against everything that The Holy Bible proves as FACT. Maybe someday, God will show you the error of your ways and accept you back into the flock, but for now please stop condoning my future wife, Claire’s insolent tone on this website. You are undoing all of God’s work that has been done in the months of our courtship. I will continue to pray for you to rejoin God’s flock of children.
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12:32 am
This threat to the family is one of the most treacherous, because it is nearly impossible to have someone watching over your Christian daughters at all times to make sure that they do not slip into this vile and dangerous temptation.
I have my 3 girls all sleep in the same bed to help monitor each other. The bathroom is the most vulnerable spot in the house, so I have removed the locks on that door and have my wife sometimes make surprise checks on the girls when they are in there.
So far there have been no infractions detected.
You can’t be too careful in these godless times.
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12:37 am
I have heard that video cameras throughout the home is also quite effective. Although, I have heard where some girls sneak out to the treehouse or sometimes even a tool shed just to perform this unspeakably evil act.
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12:40 am
Christianity: the religion that removes free will, the very thing that makes us human, and the greatest gift god gave to man.
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12:44 am
We are trying to end disease L.N. Are you one of those people that won’t vaccinate children either?
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12:45 am
Masturbation does not cause disease.
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12:55 am
Claire, if you don’t believe Brother August, maybe you will believe ABC News. Long finger masturbation causes disease.
http://abcnews.go.com/Health/MindMoodNews/lou-gehrigs-disease-linked-longer-ring-finger/story?id=13561949
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1:01 am
I love it when you idiots post up your own evidence against you. That’s an article about a correlation between long fingers and a particular kind of disease. NOT masturbation in any way.
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1:02 am
They always want sources. I gave them two
May 9 edition of the Journal of Neurology, Neurosurgery and Psychiatry.
And Dr. Michael Geoffrey Benatar, an associate professor of neurology at the University of Miami Miller School of Medicine.
It just proves they don’t read the article.
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1:15 am
Oh, I saw your ‘sources’, but considering how they don’t help you out, are wrong, or even prove you wrong, they don’t exactly work well for you, do they?
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2:47 pm
The sources are valid. You can check them. And they do prove the point.
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2:57 pm
They’re only valid because you think so. You don’t ever want to give credit where credit’s do, and you say that anything you say is right, even if you present proof that states the very opposite.
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12:48 am
Wow, that kind of sexual repression is a ticking time bomb. The instant those girls are away from your oppressive reign they are gonna giving out to anybody who so much as looks at them funny. I hope you realize how badly you are mind fucking your children.
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12:37 am
Hopefully this piece of Godly journalism will help expose the dangers of masturbation.
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1:26 am
Including the grave threat of ALS, many of these self pleasuring sodomites don’t wash their hands, spreading germs and bacteria, and touching doorknobs.
The body is a wonderland for the tiniest menace to lurk and form colonies. Spreading these threats to others is just another selfish crime.
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1:12 am
In Africa, they identified that masturbation is a disease-bearing mental illness long ago.
However, their solution was obviously inhumane. They chose to castrate those poor women to remove them of their urges instead of bringing them to Christ.
Therein lies the difference between humans and non-humans. Humans would turn to God for guidance. Non-humans take things into their own hands and reject God, only to run into catastrophic consequences.
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1:23 am
Rev Custer,
You bring some interesting fruit to the fellowship table. We are not animals or jungle natives bent on fulfilling pagan superstitions of female castration and oppression.
Sexual freedom means respecting the body within the guidelines of a Christin paradigm. Adherence to the scriptures gives esteem and relevance to our bodies processes. Otherwise, we would all be like dogs humping on the front lawn, out in the open where kids on the school bus could see.
Praise be for your steadfast convictions and refreshment.
BB
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1:48 am
Thank you and God bless, Sister Blanche!
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2:56 am
Indeed, the body is a temple, and the touching spot down below is the cellar door. Why would a Christian want to remove the knob from the cellar door of their temple? Good Christians leave all of gods temple in tact and skweaky clean.
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12:19 pm
“Good Christians leave all of gods temple in tact and skweaky clean.”
But all of that goes out the window once a Christian gets married, does it not? Aren’t Christians expected to start pumping out babies as soon as possible after they get married? Surely a good Christian woman cannot do that without getting her vagina torn apart, pounded, and then filled with disgusting semen, right? And a good Christian man cannot do that without spewing loads of spunk into his wife’s now-defiled “cellar”. Just look at the Duggars (the 19 kids and counting people). They’re Christians yet their genitals must be absolutely mutilated and disgusting to look at.
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7:43 am
I find everything about this comment thread deeply disturbing. I seriously thought it was a joke at first, but kept reading in horror.
Claire, get away from these people and live a happy (normal) life somewhere away from them.
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8:11 am
Joe Average, trust me, Claire doesn’t listen to any man yet, Once we are married though, things will change. I appreciate you trying to help my future wife, Claire, realize what a happy life she will have once she marries me and becomes a good, Christian wife. I might even have room in our wedding party for you if you keep promoting good Christian values like that, Joe Average.
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2:04 pm
I repeat: what part of “forced marriage” do you find so acceptable and/or amusing?
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12:51 am
Wow Bruce. I hope we meet someday so I can make you choke on your own teeth. I really do. I don’t think you will enjoy the months spent in suspension after our encounter though. I would not be happy until each of your appendages looked like the result of a nasty wood chipper accident.
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2:58 am
This is the normal violent attacks from the godless. These are dangerous people.
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3:33 am
FormerChristian sounds like an intellectually-challenged colored person like the ones I regularly see in Africa. Unsurprisingly, he chose to revert to his savage heathen state by rejecting the gift of Christianity.
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2:06 pm
Thank you, Joe. As I’ve said many times before, this site is disturbing whether it’s real or whether it’s a parody, because anybody who jokes about things like forced marriage is just as sick as those who actually believe in it.
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2:01 pm
“There is nothing in any of my statements that should lead you to believe that I am forcing or trying to oppress you”
You’ve stated that a woman’s job is to make babies, feed her husband dinner, and do the laundry. That is oppression.
“Unless you believe that having another person provide a stable and loving home is oppressive, than all parents in the world should immediately be forced to “move to Saudi Arabia” too, as you put it.”
See above comment.
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2:11 pm
“Claire, if you don’t believe Brother August, maybe you will believe ABC News. Long finger masturbation causes disease.”
Yeah, except no woman masturbates with her ring finger, dipshit, no matter how long it may be.
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4:02 pm
But masturbating is so much fun….
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6:10 pm
True, very true.
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7:26 pm
You can’t rape yourself.
Rape is defined as unwanted touching or intercourse.
Your hand doesn’t get a life of its own and force itself into your private bits. It is physically impossible for masturbation to be non-consensual.
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9:42 pm
This is as false as “born this way”. You cannot masturbate without defiling your temple and picturing someone else in your mind. You are raping them.
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9:45 pm
“You cannot masturbate without defiling your temple”
What I do with my own body, as long as it’s not harming anybody else, is my business.
“picturing someone else in your mind. You are raping them.”
No, usually it’s picturing some nondescript penis. Does that mean that I’m raping all of the nondescript penises of the world? You’re full of bullshit.
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9:48 pm
You know, it’s because of intolerant assholes like you that people took up witchcraft in the past. I’m considering becoming a witch just so I can cast a few curses on you and your ilk.
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10:29 pm
“I’m considering becoming a witch just so I can cast a few curses on you and your ilk.”
I refuse to have a wiccan wedding, Claire. That is where I draw the line. I have agreed to let you continue “learning” at your Trade School, but witchcraft is just unacceptable.
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10:36 pm
I believe I told you to stop joking about forced marriage. There is nothing funny about it.
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1:00 am
I already tried casting a Satanic curse on these people. Actually Im kidding. I read the Satanic Bible but it was just as immature and ridiculous as the Christian Bible. Still, the thought that maybe one of these people will step into the path of an out of control 18-wheeler semi-truck with a load of bibles in the back is a pleasant thought indeed. Keep up the good work Claire, and don’t let that ignorant cunt Bruce get to you.
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12:11 pm
I didn’t actually know that there was a satanic bible. Might have to check it out…hehe. But no, I think reading such a thing would give me the creeps and make me start sleeping with a nightlight again.
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12:57 am
The amount of ignorance that is poured into your writing is astounding sir. Please castrate yourself and your offspring to avoid another generation of failures like yourself. \m/ Hail Satan baby! For those of you who don’t recognize the symbol, it is the international symbol for Heavy Metal music and is know as the the “Devil Horns.” I just thought I should share.
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10:17 pm
“the idea that some early event in life makes one’s susceptibility to a neurodegenerative disease is not an unreasonable idea at all.”
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12:54 am
Shhhh. Don’t startle the local denizens dear Voice Of Reason. They have never encountered you before. Besides, you never know what experiences these people have had. I would not be surprised at all if one of these morons came forward and proclaimed that his/her hand was possessed by Satan and he/she was forced to diddle themselves.
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4:46 pm
There is no way the publishers’ of this site are serious. Doubt any of the people leaving comments are either, (unless they’re from the south) I find this site hysterical, in a blazing saddles-uneducated, bigotted sort of way.
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5:37 pm
I’ve heard that this is a satirical site… but I can’t be convinced one way or the other. My mom would agree with every single article on these ridiculous pages (‘cept for the bits where different ethnic groups are referred to as “colored peoples”) … I’ve been smacked with a bible, right upside my head, more than once during my interesting upbringing… not sparing the rod has in fact turned me into quite the anti-christian. sure, there very well may be a God out there, but abiding by Its asinine rule book is NOT on my agenda. The first time I encountered “christwire” was on YouTube, when some ass hat was saying how women shouldn’t climax or even enjoy sex, as it was a dirty sin… if you ask me, sex is a beautiful expression of love and humanity. Claire, darling, diddle away. I do it all the time, and I’ve got a loving partner and a happy child and smarts and talents and a guilt-free conscience. it’ll show you how to communicate with your future lovers how best to please you, and in turn, please them. it’s about communication, not threats of eternal damnation. I don’t recall Jesus ever saying that the world needs to be intolerant of other cultures. if I recall, the man hung out with hookers and thieves and bums and folks riddled with diseases… NOT self-righteous pompous bigots. JUDGE NOT, dickholes, LEST YE BE JUDGED.
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7:34 pm
I love having long fingers. I like to finger my poo hole and scratch out all the delicious corn laden poo from my colon. Then I can have more to snack on.
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4:49 pm
As a respected member of the medical community there is no truth in this what so ever. No well backed research, NOTHING!!! Remember all you so called Christians, such as the author of this article, LYING is a sin!
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