As many of you in the ChristWire Flock have realized, I have been courting Claire for awhile now and will be getting married. Claire had originally said she wanted to get married on “February 34th, 3098”. There were two problems with that date however, #1. After doing some in depth research, I concluded that The President who is not President Bush had not changed the calendar as I had expected he might do, so that date does not actually exist. And #2. With the FACT that the rapture will take place on May 21st, I felt compelled to move the date up to May 20th. I could not stand the thought of the Rapture happening and being taken up to Heaven without my little Claire Bear right next to me. In order to assure that Claire does indeed come to Heaven with me, I needed to move our Holy Wedding Day up to May 20th giving her a full day to embrace God’s love and for her to make arrangements for the 402 cats who will no longer have their owner around. I am sure one of the homogays or Lady Gaga fans left behind after the Rapture will take them in, possibly for use in one of their weird sex rituals, but since we will be in Heaven, that is of no concern to me. I also wanted to make sure that she had enough time before the Rapture to let her Trade School know of her leaving, as she will be in Heaven and will have no use for a certificate of completion or ribbon, whatever they give out at Trade Schools.
So, I invite the ChristWire Fellowship to join us on that Holy day. We will be attempting to broadcast the wedding over the Interwebs so you can all join us in the Holy Celebration.
Also, Claire has requested that any wedding presents be in the form of a donation to some strange organization know as “ASPCA” or something.