May 20th, a Holy Day before the Rapture: A Wedding for Claire
As many of you in the ChristWire Flock have realized, I have been courting Claire for awhile now and will be getting married. Claire had originally said she wanted to get married on “February 34th, 3098″. There were two problems with that date however, #1. After doing some in depth research, I concluded that The President who is not President Bush had not changed the calendar as I had expected he might do, so that date does not actually exist. And #2. With the FACT that the rapture will take place on May 21st, I felt compelled to move the date up to May 20th. I could not stand the thought of the Rapture happening and being taken up to Heaven without my little Claire Bear right next to me. In order to assure that Claire does indeed come to Heaven with me, I needed to move our Holy Wedding Day up to May 20th giving her a full day to embrace God’s love and for her to make arrangements for the 402 cats who will no longer have their owner around. I am sure one of the homogays or Lady Gaga fans left behind after the Rapture will take them in, possibly for use in one of their weird sex rituals, but since we will be in Heaven, that is of no concern to me. I also wanted to make sure that she had enough time before the Rapture to let her Trade School know of her leaving, as she will be in Heaven and will have no use for a certificate of completion or ribbon, whatever they give out at Trade Schools.
So, I invite the ChristWire Fellowship to join us on that Holy day. We will be attempting to broadcast the wedding over the Interwebs so you can all join us in the Holy Celebration.
Also, Claire has requested that any wedding presents be in the form of a donation to some strange organization know as “ASPCA” or something.
- Sinful
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- Laughing Out Loud
Author: Bruce Myron Danus
Years of Mental Gymnastics, and lots of love from Jesus has made this man realize he was not "Born this Way", but instead chose to be a Homogay until he met God and realized God doesn't make mistakes like a homogay.
7:32 pm
Hopefully you can tame that beast.
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7:33 pm
I think her school has a field trip to the petting zoo that day to see what live animals look like. She will have to miss that.
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8:06 pm
I’ll have you know that we have a full vet tech facility (in fact, it’s a new state-of-the-art, multimillion dollar building) on campus. In it we have beagles (used to be 19 but the numbers have grown as the program has become more popular and more animals are needed), cats (12 or more), rabbits, rodents (including mice, rats, gerbils, and hamsters), turtles, snakes, turkeys, chickens, a rooster, a duck, quail, and pygmy goats. We have state-of-the-art living arrangements and runs for them, a fully equipped surgery suite where all of our dogs and cats are spayed or neutered and given one dental cleaning (except for the cats, who are only five months old at the time we receive them and thus do not require dental work) prior to being adopted out, a radiography suite, several laboratory rooms (one for clinical methods and surgery the other for research methods), a microscopy lab. We also have state-of-the-art cage washers and other methods of cleaning that keep up with USDA and AVMA standards. If not, we’ll lose our accreditation and get in big trouble with the USDA.
As for large animals, the building also includes a large animal room that we can house visiting pigs, sheep, goats, llamas, and alpacas in. My teacher also sometimes brings her horses up from Rhode Island when we do our large animal radiography lab. We take several trips to Tufts out in Grafton to work with the cows. There used to be a barn on campus with cows and horses but it was eventually torn down to make way for the brand new vet tech building.
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10:23 pm
Reminder:
From dumbass:
Ok I’ve had enough and can’t believe I’m going to agree with T Boners. Claire, your school is not the same as let’s say…csulb, nyu or even a shit hole university in az. Your college does not have valid transferable credits ie math, science, humanities, etc. At my college, I could pick up and move to a different university without lose of credits. Your college is just like a trade school. Sorry, they won this round. Now go have fun, its Friday night.
FromYale sux:
I go to school at Harvard. Mount Ida is close by. It is a well-known overpriced community college for kids of Harvard faculty who were too spoiled or too coddled to go to a university.
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10:27 pm
1. Why are you picking on that poor girl’s education?
2. Will you consider my proposition?
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9:16 am
So, other than evidence that you can’t formulate your own rebuttals, your posting of those quotes about my school had what, exactly, to do with my refutation to August’s claim that my school has no animals?
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7:36 pm
No wonder RD disappeared. Her lesbian advances did not work. Congratulations, Claire and I look forward to hearing about your motherhood stories.
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8:08 pm
But according to you earlier today, Adam, RD brought out my “latent lesbianism”. So which is it, bitch?
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9:21 pm
Obviously both, because Christians are never wrong, even if they say two things that are completely different from one another, and being a Christian instantly means you can do no wrong and you’re perfect in every way.
Wait. No. No that’s not how it works.
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7:56 pm
Oh, great. Two more asexual ex-gays pretending to be a normal couple.
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8:04 pm
Lol that just plain funny hahahaha
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8:18 pm
Congratulations on your marriage. You two are truly a match made in heaven.
It makes me happy to hear that Claire will finally accept Jesus as her lord and savior.
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8:22 pm
Bruce, are you going to let her be a vet tech or just have her stay home with the kids.
I’d question the wisdom of letting her be a vet tech. The types of people that job attract are young and directionless. The boys will find out she is married and try to ply her with their shafts and in the late night hours, between the mewing kittens and rodent feces, she may just fill filthy and give into their demands. You’ll have a cheater.
Yeah, just keep her at home and let us see some little ones!
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8:37 pm
This is NOT FUNNY. There is NOTHING FUNNY about making a woman give up her dreams in order to have children and then forcing her to stay home! I suggest you get your ass to Saudi Arabia because you seem desperate to oppress a woman. You are a sick fuck.
Also, what part of “I most likely will not be able to have children” don’t you understand? Not that I’m sad about that fact or anything, since I don’t want children and think they’re annoying little buggers.
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10:16 pm
More funny than you calling someone a rapist, or looks like a rapist.
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10:21 pm
@Really? – are you male or female? Actually scratch that, it doesn’t matter. I just need somebody to service my ass while my wife Blanche is out swinging. Could you help me out?
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10:02 pm
I don’t understand how a woman can “dream” of cleaning out dog cages and performing enemas on long hair cats.
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10:07 pm
Honeybunch, vet techs don’t just clean out cages and do enemas. You’re 89 and you’ve been taking that Macaw of ours for his yearly checkups for about 25 years now – you should know stuff like this.
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9:25 am
Vet techs do a lot more than just clean poop all day – although yes, we do work with poop a lot, and that’s cool. We draw up and administer vaccines, draw blood, restrain for routine exams, take urine samples, run urinalyses, do CBCs, insert IV and urinary catheters, take radiographs, do QA/QC tests on the radiograph equipment, assist in surgery (this includes getting sterile, gowning up and passing the instruments to the vet and holding anatomical parts for him/her with forceps – i.e. the horns of the uterus while he/she ties them off). We anesthetize animals for surgery, intubate them, and are responsible for monitoring vital signs, bagging the patient (providing breaths), adjusting anesthetic dose, recovering the patient. We perform dental cleanings. So yeah, we do a lot more than clean cages and give enemas. And why did you specify long haired cats? While long haired cats tend to get feces stuck to the hair on their hindquarters if not groomed properly, they are no more prone to actual constipation than short haired cats are.
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8:50 pm
Bruce, when a woman says “I have a headache”, say, ‘That’s fine, I don’t”. A woman may try to say she cannot have children (hint, hint) but when she is your wife, you have every right to keep right on trying again and again. Consistency is key, my friend. Where will the honeymoon be at?
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8:59 pm
“Bruce, when a woman says “I have a headache”, say, ‘That’s fine, I don’t”.”
So you’re condoning rape?
“A woman may try to say she cannot have children (hint, hint) but when she is your wife, you have every right to keep right on trying again and again.”
So I was right all along: you think it’s okay for a man to rape a woman in order to get her pregnant. I hope you die in a very painful way.
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9:00 pm
When a woman doesn’t want children, her husband has NO, ABSOLUTELY NO right to get her pregnant against her will.
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9:07 pm
For some reason Claire keeps insisting on Honeymooning in Saudi Arabia. It seems strange to me, but if it helps her on her path to God I will do it.
Also Claire, LN, RD and popinator can’t be your bridesmaids because the wedding will be in a Church and we know that lesbians can’t legally get within 100 yards of a Church or they will be smitten with the AIDS by God and then taken to jail.
And your cats can’t be on the guest list either because there isn’t enough room in the church for all of them.
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9:22 pm
You strike me as the kind of man who would rape his own daughters repeatedly.
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9:27 pm
Shouldn’t you be under arrest for that pot you handed out to kids to get them high, then raped in the back of a van?
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2:42 am
I know that the rapture is coming but are you really so desperate as to marry a woman who is so clearly not a christian? If you insist on going thru with this horrible idea (is this like marrying an illegal to get them into the country but marrying a satanist to get them into heaven?) might I be a bridesmaid?
Let me know where it is as I may have to take a reverse mortgage out on the house to afford gas!
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7:02 am
Sister Susan, you are a welcome bridesmaid at Claire and my wedding along with Blanche. The site of this Holy Union will be in the Godless state of Massachoochoos because Claire can’t go more than 500 yards from her 402 cats without having a panic attack. I hope that gas money will not be a problem for you since I know you own one of the new Grand Cherokees from Jeep Motors and not one of the heathen, communist Chinese cars like the Toyota Prissy.
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9:09 am
Hi Bruce. Perhaps you didn’t see my earlier request. Could you help me out with a little problem? My wife Blanche has taken up swinging and no longer has time for little ol’ me. She used to do me with a strap-on but the idea of a real penis in my ass is quite alluring. Would you be interested? Please get back to me.
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5:21 pm
Oh course, that Grand Cherokee SRT8 is a beast. I could drag satan back to hell by myself if god so ordained it.
I’ll just take some of my jewelry to one of those we buy gold places…my grand kids are heathens anyway, not worthy of the purity of gold!
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9:29 am
For once I agree with you Susan. Sounds to me like Bruce is a horny bastard who’s so sick of jerkin’ the gherkin that he wants to get married so that he can have sex before he dies. In which case he’d better hire Blanche for the night (Blanche, you’ll need to call the Mistress and tell her to hold all of your customers after 8 PM) because I won’t be setting foot near this fictional “wedding”.
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5:26 pm
oh dear does that mean its off? Oh my, should I not sell the jewelry? Please think about this Claire…a man is better than no man!
You seem to be worried about him repeatedly raping you. Being a lesbian with a homogay agenda I immagine your scared to have sexual relations with a man, I am sure once you get past the first prick of your lesbionic hymen you will be past your fears of the penis and will soon come to welcome it!
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9:04 pm
Yes he does. A woman’s body becomes that of her husbands.
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9:15 pm
“I’m not sexist, I just think women are lower than men and should be controlled by men because a book that was made by men over 2000 years ago said so even though that book has been edited so many times before and is in fact considered to be out of date with standard teachings.”
–Adam Nelson.
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9:19 pm
“A woman’s body becomes that of her husbands.”
No, it remains HER BODY. I pity any woman who happens to be under your care.
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2:44 am
but it is the duty of the wife to provide the man children, god commands it of us
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9:31 am
Why do you guys hate Muslims so much? You have an awful lot in common.
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5:17 pm
they are terrorists and we are christians…see the difference?
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9:21 pm
So then you believe that it’s okay for a husband to rape his wife?
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9:26 pm
Silly Claire, Christians don’t rape, women are property! After all, we still live in the dark ages! Derp-
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9:58 pm
That is why women change their names after marriage. These girls are silly. They don’t think of such things.
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9:41 pm
Bruce, since Claire is obviously unwilling, might I suggest that you take my hand in holy matrimony instead? As you may or may not know since you’re relatively new here I am Blanche’s husband. She used to take me in the ass with a strap-on dildo but ever since we made our marriage an “open” one, she has become such a swinger that she is no longer interested in sex with moi. I had been getting so used to our nightly ass poundings that I’m unable to pleasure myself anymore. Although I’ve heard that your cock is on the smallish side, my anus hasn’t seen action in so long that I’m sure it’s tightened up enough for our loving unions to be pleasurable for the both of us.
Will you take this leap with me?
Yours in Christ,
Norman
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9:56 pm
My late husband’s name was Frank, you trolley car.
A lot of older people would take this kind of shenanigan’s seriously and start believing in all manner of evil things, maybe even voodooism.
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10:04 pm
Honey, you’re not thinking straight. Frank is your late BROTHER. I am your husband, and I still love you. I will always love you, honey, despite the fact that you come home dripping gallons of semen every night. However, I just need to find somebody who will fill the void in my life created by your new swinging lifestyle. But just know that I will divorce Bruce at the drop of a hat if you decide to come back to me, sweetheart.
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2:46 am
that is not very christian talk there…I am starting to think you have a homogay agenda!
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11:41 pm
I always think of this whenever I think of her trade school
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9:35 am
Yeah…except out of the 24 classes that I’ve taken so far at Mount Ida not a single one has been an online course.
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12:46 am
Bruce, Hell hath no fury like a bride who doesn’t get to pick the date of her nuptials. Let the little girl think she has some say until the wedding night. If she wants a June wedding, then giver her a June wedding. She’ll be giving you what you need for the next 40 years, after all.
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12:59 am
I would have loved to give Claire her choice of dates for our wedding, but since being presented with proof of the rapture happening on May 21st, I needed to push up our wedding day because I could not stand the thought of going to Heaven without my little Claire Bear.
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9:38 am
This post is highly disturbing.
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1:12 pm
“If she wants a June wedding, then giver her a June wedding. She’ll be giving you what you need for the next 40 years, after all.”
So basically you’re admitting that you don’t believe in the “rapture”.
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4:41 am
i like how Claire Bear thinks that a million dollars is a lot of money. she believes she is in a school or whatever that is important because it costs a million dollars. who cares? you will be smart when you are 25 and can rent a car.
at that point you will realize any woman who makes millions of dollars is actually a service woman.
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9:06 am
@randum – Hi. I think she said “multimillion”, not just “a million”.
Also, would you be interested in servicing my ass? I’m still waiting to hear back from Bruce.
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9:37 am
I like how you jumped on the “Claire Bear” bandwagon. Can’t come up with anything more clever to say? Apparently not.
Oh, and I said MULTImillion.
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6:05 pm
“they are terrorists and we are christians…see the difference?”
No, I don’t see the difference.
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11:01 pm
“oh dear does that mean its off?”
It was never on.
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11:04 pm
“It was never on.”
Then why would you clearly put your name on the invitation? It obviously states “Bruce & Claire invite you…”
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11:25 pm
Hmm, perhaps because it’s quite easy for you to type in the name “Claire”.
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