May is National Masturbation Month, Let’s Make It Reach Out and Touch a Selfo Month
May as National Masturbation Month began in 1995 in uber homosexually charged San Francisco as a response to the forced resignation of U.S. Surgeon General Joycelyn Elders.
The month long festival of finger fiddling pleasure seekers began Sunday in remembrance of Surgeon General Joycelyn Elders’s response to a question about masturbation as a potential graham cracker satiate for curbing early sexual activity.
“I think it is something that is part of human sexuality and a part of something that perhaps should be taught.”
It was a comment that proved to pre-eject her from what was a promising career when even then President Clinton had her censured. Through the vigilant efforts of the homosexual and masturbation communities, this was not the end. Somehow it seems to have infested our education system and become a dark force of bullying and baiting our young for sport with something called “inappropriate touch Tuesday”. Research shows this diabolical activity was started by the brooding boo-foo buddy, Daniel Tosh.
“Does anybody else have this at their school? For some strange reason, my good friends decide to molest me, prompting me to slouch in the corner in on myself and sit on the ground with my bag as my only source of protection…… Yeah, we totally did nothing today in the heat. We just went crazy. “
“haha, a guy on my bus said that, and then he was like, grabbing his friends face and making perverted noises while rubbing the guys face and hair……haha”
Not understanding the dangers of masturbation leaves our young people open for the cruelest touch, an inappropriate touch of homosexuality and selfish rejection of a Christ filled life. As parents and grandparents, you don’t need to wait for that sad day when you find out little Carl has a new happy time friend.
Selfo’s Need You to Be a Soldier
As we have all been taught, masturbation is a very naughty and dirty thing that one chooses to engage in when we seek out congress with evil. The body is a temple to be clean and without filth. To mire oneself in the act is to open the heart to disease and potential homosexual lusts and desires.
Masturbation is the number one reason for aborted, non-uterine fetuses. An erection is the beginning of life and should be saved for the marriage bed, not a tube sock. Not all agree with these truths. Some strive to destroy the sanctity of marriage and our God given temples by blowing the pied pipe of self pleasure.
The street cracking term, selfo, is used to describe the character of these wanton bean flickers and pecker polishers. They are selfish. They internalize and bogart themselves from God’s holy plan of marriage, rejecting the truth of children and intimacy for the lies and propaganda of a sex toy industry.
The National Masturbation Month program has been sponsored by Good Vibrations, a company long profiting on the carnal desires of others through informational campaigns of hate and homosexual misinformation such as “Good Vibrations House Calls: Damage from Anal Sex?” Of course there is damage from anal sex! There is no need for a question mark! The anus is a one way cul de sac, not a toll bridge.
Reach Out and Touch a Masturbating Selfo – What Can I do?
While Brother Billings has published a very insightful piece on the ins and outs of spotting the Masturbator, we need more than simple identification. These Selfo’s need our help. Here are some suggestions to spread the ministry.
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Start a S.W.A.T team – You don’t have to call it SWAT, we called our team M.O.A.N short for Ministry of Anus Nobblers to address the pain of homosexuality in our city by countless selfos. We would protest and sometimes go to homosexual places like gymnasiums, beauty pageants and antique stores. The lives we saved from homosexual selfish desires were great!
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Sponsor a Dildo Drive – These are very effective. For every dildo returned, the repentant receive a free King James Version Bible and their name on the Holy Billboard for daily prayers. Some are very apprehensive about coming forward, but once they learn that their name will be seen for prayer and intercession by every car that stops at the light in front of our church, their eyes fill with tears of joy! Praise the power to heal!
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Form a Church Sports League – Getting the message out to the young is important and this is a great forum for opening up the conversation about masturbation. We had some anti-self love tools in team colors for the kids and it really seemed to make a difference.
Whatever you choose, know that you can make a difference in a selfo’s life and help them learn that time spent touching oneself is just punching the clock for Satan.
- Sinful
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- Laughing Out Loud
Author: Blanche Beecham
"Blanche Beecham lends a soft, learned hand to the fourth estate with incite-full investigations on diverse topics such as Politics, Love, and Lifestyle. Her many years experience as a wife, mother, ladies book club president and financial auditor make her well suited to ferreting out the truth and giving it a sound shake." - Rev. Jackson Lee Whitebelley, Publisher and Editor of "The Incubator" - Follow me on Twitter! @BLANCHEBEECHAM
2:45 am
thanks BB
my eyes disturbed my mind last night when I saw a man self sexing without thinking about the normal people who never want to see that. this world is not getting better.
and I think Claire bear has a low iq ..
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6:19 am
“Masturbation is the number one reason for aborted, non-uterine fetuses.”
Ehm, I assume you’re talking about what’s called Extra uterine pregnancy, it’s a very dangerous condition that could lead to the woman’s death if not diagnosed. A fetus cannot survive in this case. No way. An ectopic pregnancy will result as a miscarriage in the first few days after the installation of the embryo or, in very unlucky case, the embryo will develop in a hostile environment, such as the tubes, which are not designed to bear a growing fetus, therefor they don’t expand along with the growth of the embryo and, in the end, if there’s no natural miscarriage, the tube will burst and cause severe and life threatening bleeding, leading to a possible death.
And an ectopic pregnancy is not result of masturbation, it’s the result of a normal unprotected sexual intercourse between a fertile woman and a healthy man.
Check wikipedia.
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10:15 am
Seriously… You don’t realize this is a joke…. Really?!?…
Sorry, I won’t take up any more of your time. You can get back to your day of neuroscience or calculating satellite trajectories or whatever you do for a living.
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1:26 pm
I know it’s just a joke (well, at least I HOPE it’s a joke)
I just love playing reverse-troll!
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10:16 am
Shouldn’t you be in the kitchen making me a sandwich bitch.
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12:53 pm
Oh, Honey bear. I had to run to the store for a fresh brodifacoum loaf for your sandwich. I’ve just been so frazzled lately!
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1:38 pm
BB, you’re the role model of ever woman!
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1:48 pm
Blanche stop pretending to be a woman.
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1:48 pm
She’s a slacker, she shouldn’t have had her husband waiting. She’s spending too much time on Christwire and acting like a man.
Not only that, but brodifacoum is a poison. You’re cheering her on when she declared an act of murder.
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11:17 pm
Blanche, you really know how to speak the language of teens today. I am sure that your “street wise” lingo will appeal to teens of all ages and save 1000′s of souls.
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11:26 pm
It is always a treat to receive a fine compliment from a faith based gentleman.
I did have some feedback from the field on the street slang. One Jesus Jedi reported that when asked about outreach ministry to selfo’s, a potential repentant responded, “Why do you want to touch my cell phone?”
We must pray for linguistic acuity to reach this very hardened group.
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11:32 pm
You’re making up words and then insulting people for not knowing what you’re talking about.
Go back to making food woman, that’s all you’re good for.
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11:23 pm
Masturbation is wrong and well documented to be unhealthy.
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11:30 pm
As you’ve said, August – It is Rape. It goes against the sperms and conditions of a consensual healthy life contract.
http://christwire.org/2011/03/is-masturbation-rape/
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11:35 pm
Yeah, linking to yourself is not a way to prove your right. In fact, it makes you look stupid.
Also, what about all the sperm that gets lost when you have sex? Only one sperm can inhabit an egg (usually), and men release hundreds to thousands of sperm upon ejaculation, which means that whenever men have sex, they kill off so many children. Clearly, the only way to stop this is to be completely chaste.
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11:40 pm
LN,
I am not linking to myself, as I said and August’s article clearly states masturbation is wrong.
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11:44 pm
Praise you BB and your trials and tribulations with the burden of your nemesis/follower.
It is not literate I am afraid and is unable to distinguish one journalist from another.
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11:47 pm
Ok, you linked to August’s blog post.
It’s still wrong, and a good ‘journalist’ never refers to their self or a friend of theirs as ‘experts’ on a subject.
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11:49 pm
What happened to RD? She seems like such a nice girl, even if she was liberal misguided.
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11:54 pm
Yes, she is a very nice girl. A leader among the naysayers. I think she ended up becoming disillusioned by the pornography and filth sputtered By LN popinator and Claire.
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2:29 am
what ever happened to glitch his disapearance prompted my arrival when i noticed he had stop posting
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2:28 am
documented to be unhealthy eh? what about guys that get blueballs are they supposed to wait until their married or what give me a link to how it is unhealthy on a website and is not christwire
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11:39 pm
PTL!
Performing the satanic shuffle for reasons of self gratification can only lead to impure thoughts about Marge the church organist!
Resist the unclean urge to bop your Tower Of Babel!
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2:48 am
i remember at my school the days where “mundane monday,tity touch tuesday,whiz whensday,nutcheck thursday,and slapass friday
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3:01 pm
this site is a joke.it has to be..ive only been on here for a total of 10 minutes and gotta say..this is almost as bad as those Westboro baptists freaks
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2:37 pm
Damn, I missed masturbation month! I’ll just do twice as much this month. Thanks for the reminder! I’ll also put it on my calendar so that I won’t forget next year! (*)(*) Titties!!!!!
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