• Mildred Patricia Baena Photographs, or, Why Arnold Schwarzenegger Kept Quiet for Ten Years

    May 18, 2011 8:45 pm 44 comments

    The Sperminator, aka known as Arnold Schwarzenegger, is a nasty man. Yesterday, I thought he was just the latest of political men who cheat on their wives. All routine. He’d cry a bit, the obligatory wife from a wealthy family (ala Hillary Clinton) would have some rage and then forgive and media would get distracted by Britany Spears and Lindsay Lohan having a crack sniffing Fast and Furious attention seeking street race down Mulholland with their milksack tatas hanging out.

    But no, Schwarzenegger never goes down without a fight. How many of you have seen a day without a Mexican?

    It is a movie about how the US would simply fall apart if we didn’t have random Mexicans showing up to pick lettuce and bug us a traffic lights, all while sneaking into late night ERs and pretending to understand what you say and have smile nodding if though they can’t speak any English at all, just so their child with ‘fiebre’ can be looked at. Our country would fall apart without all this.

    Maybe that’s why Scharrzenegger decided to cheat on this:

    For this: WARNING: THE FOLLOWING IMAGE IS HIDEOUS. HIDE YOUR KIDS. HIDE YOUR WIFE. AND HIDE YOUR FAMILY MAKER, BECAUSE IT WILL SHRIVEL.

    I’m not being crass or gross, just having some fun before I rip on a cheater.

    That beautiful woman up above is Mildred Patricia Baena, the woman who Arnold Schwarzenegger apparently dead lifted onto his phallus and stuck a baby seed within.

    Now as you know, Mexican women are fertile.  You can send a Mexican woman an E-kiss all while doing unholy things to your sin mount in the secret of your basement, and you still risk having a little Don Lopez popping out and calling you Papi 9 months later.  It’s genetics and that is why Mexico is so populous, you sinful collegiate horndogs.

    So say what you will about Arnold being old.  He managed to carry that burrito sack and have his little Germano-Austrian SS trooper take an egg hostage.  They are hiding photos of the kid, but I’m guessing it may be more for our safety than its.

    Before looking at more images of this Mexican housekeeper beauty, let’s look at few other pieces of the puzzle:

    The family again.  Wholesome.  Wealthy.  Pure.  Then, notice, that in the back right, in the upper corner, there is a sign.  I think it says Hooters but my prescription for my glasses is nearing and I really feel the long commute to work and staring into the Sun is taking more of a strain.  It’s terrible and I fear I may need surgery.

    Arnold has taken his family to Hooters.  The place where you get two milkshakes for free and a giggly lap sit if it looks like you may have a no-limit credit card in your wallet.  It’s fitting.  Arnold is breatetsess man.  Hide yo’ kids!

     

  • Wah!  Jerry is posting naughty things.  Wah!

    Yes, he is and that is my point.  Arnold Shwarzenegger was already on television last night, first off, laughing about this entire thing.  And everyone was just taking it in stride.

    Big news stations aren’t really holding his Austrian feet to the fire.  He looks like a Hitler genetics project gone bad and if this had been a Democrat or a minority, it would be a public stoning.  Could you imagine what would happen if it were discovered that Barack Obama cheated on Michelle?

    Or if a man named Bill Clinton was found to be cheating on his wife.  The horrors the Republicans would unleash as they put him on public trial and tried to drag his name through the mud for decades…oh, wait.  Sure, Shriver is a Kennedy and they are not known for marriage vow upholding, but really, it’s pathetic and sad.  How can we excuse this man for this.  It’s bad enough that he cheated, but then the fact that it’s a housekeeper who was under his authority and looks like:

    There was a movie a few years ago about a lonely, stray chihuahua.  It was tattered and near death after walking cross county, all in search of its owner.  It never did find its owner and trekked all the way from New Mexico to New York, through a winter and in summer.  But at the end of that summer, a 90s teen flick romance emerged.

    The Chihuahua found true love with a Sexy city girl named Sarah Jessica Parker.  She had the chin of a Greek Godess and the figure of a minotaur.  The chiahuahua was in love and humped her leg.  She took it to her place for a drink and one thing lead to another.  They are still happily together and a love child emerged:

    Muy caliente.

    Really, Arnold, you’ve shamed your country, you shamed the GOP and you were a horrible governator.  We only liked you because your lines made us think of that special kid in class who ate glue in the corner made it big.  We wanted you to win at life, because you were not so bright.

    Maybe that’s the truth in all of this.  Arnold is a special needs politician.  He doesn’t really understand much more than ‘Hooter hahah tata madness” and when he finally awakens from his coma walking he’s inserted his Austrian waffle into any hole that moves and has a Mexican love child that he refused to tell anyone about for ten years.

    The Aristrocrats.

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