Rapture a hoax, true Christians are pissed.

Yesterday I sat at home reading the bible and waiting for the 6pm hour to come. As the hour dawned I walked out on my poarch ready to fly magically off to heaven. But as I sat there with the sweat pouring off of my aged face, with mosquitoes nipping at my calloused ankles I wondered…is it 6pm eastern? or western? Which time zone are we going with?

I went back in to turn on the news. Certainly FOX News would have live coverage of the rapture. But there was nothing about it on. I was starting to worry.

Harold Camping, the aged mastermind behind all of this who is even older than me, had warned us that “a giant earthquake on Saturday would mark the start of the world’s destruction, Jesus Christ would return to earth on Saturday. True believers would then be swept up, or “raptured”, to heaven and that by 21 October all non-believers would be dead.”

I was dismayed until I saw that there had been a volcanic eruption in Iceland at the Grimsvotn Volcano. I was then elated! “The end is here” I proclaimed! I called my sinful degenerate grand children and wished them farewell. I tore off my dress and went into the back yard and waited to be taken away to heaven in flight.

But once again I was eaten my mosquitoes. By 8pm I realized, covered in mosquito bites, that it was time to go in. I felt wronged; that I had been duped.

I soon learned that I wasn’t the only one.

Robert Fitzpatrick, a retired transportation agency worker in New York, said he had spent more than $140,000 of his savings on advertisements in the run-up to 21 May to publicize the prediction.

“I do not understand why… I do not understand why nothing has happened. I can’t tell you what I feel right now. Obviously, I haven’t understood it correctly because we’re still here.”

I felt better about my own foolishness. I was covered in insect bites and I am sure my neighbors will be telling stories about me for quite some time but at least I had not squandered my life savings on a false profit.

“I had some skepticism but I was trying to push the skepticism away because I believe in God,” said Keith Bauer, who traveled 3,000 miles, from Maryland to California, where Mr Camping’s Family Radio is based, for the Rapture.

“I was hoping for it because I think heaven would be a lot better than this Earth,” said Mr Bauer, a tractor-trailer driver, who took the week off work for the voyage.

It is reported that there has been no sign of Mr Camping since the prediction turned out to be false. But some people are stepping up to pick those from despair over the faux rapture.

The Washington Post reported that suicide prevention hotlines were set up in case believers fell into depression after the apocalypse failed to happen.

A group from the Calvary Bible Church in Milpitas, California, organized a Sunday morning service to comfort believers in Mr Camping’s preaching, the New York Times reported.

“We are here because we care about these people,” the newspaper quoted James Bynum, a church deacon, as saying. “It’s easy to mock them. But you can go kick puppies, too. But why?”

But that is exactly what the old coot Harold Camping has done. He has kicked christian puppies when they are just looking for a forever home…sick sick man.

“It was probably one of the saddest things that I’d ever read, the idea that there’s kids out there whose parents spent their college savings funds, who sold their homes,” one woman told the BBC.