• The FDA Approves The “God Pill”

    May 3, 2011 1:05 am 11 comments

     

    The FDA recently approved a new pill designed by Vatican Scientists to get the religious faithful closer to God. It’s called the “God Pill” or “Delusacil,” and this new pill was formulated from an idea by the head honcho himself, Pope Benedict XVI.

    The exact ingredients for the pill remain a closely guarded secret, and the Vatican will not say what’s exactly in it, but they have faith that the religious will take the pill without asking too many questions.

    Shipments of the new drug have been sent to Catholic churches and pharmacies worldwide as a part of the Vatican’s new stance on bringing their flock more in tuned and focused with their beliefs currently entitled, “The Faith Initiative.”

    “I was losing my faith because of all the terrible things going on in the world. I thought that God may be ignoring us, but this new pill that I have taken this past Sunday has completely wiped all those bad thoughts out of my brain and I can now reach my hands to the sky and start loving the Lord all over again. It’s like a fresh start!” An unnamed woman told me this past weekend at an Our Lady of the Holy fundraiser.

    The anti-religious skeptics voiced their concern as was to be expected. A few scientists from the University of Phoenix got their hands on the “God Pill” and did their own analysis:

    “It’s Adderall and a mix of anti-depressants.” The anonymous scientist declared in his hatred of religion. “Its intent is to fool people in to thinking they’re happy and more focused since they’re administered the drug in the church setting.”

    The Vatican has not made a statement in reaction to the scientist’s conclusions, but it’s safe to say they will be not be distracted by it. “The Faith Initiative” is in full swing and the demand during these paranoid and scary times is high for a pill like this.

    I took it upon myself to sample the drug and give my own personal opinion on the matter. First of all, I was in no way questioning my enormous faith and thought maybe this pill would make it even stronger. So, before mass, I took the pill and within 20 minutes I was singing the hymns louder than anyone else and the holy cross brought a tear of happiness to my eyes. This pill really is the real deal. It also has added benefits at home.

    When I got home with my wife I noticed our intimate relations were even better, and I got a lot of cleaning done that I had put off for weeks. We had to stop mid coitus because I noticed some laundry needed to be done. After all, cleanliness is next to Godliness. So I washed with Tide Coldwater Liquid Laundry Detergent, and it smelled heavenly.

    Overall, the “God Pill” is sure to be the most prescribed medication in the world in the next few years. Just tell your pharmacist that you have a prescription for the Lord, 20mg.

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    About The Author
    Michael Travis Williams Michael, Or Mickey, was born below his means, but due to his bafflingly good looks and absurd talent became your favorite person.

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