Why Are Husbands and Wives Engaging in Oral Intercourse?

My friends, today I write after an interesting discussion following this week’s Taco Tuesday at Dukes.   Several friends and I table merged with a group of neighbor’s friends, trying to save space in a crowded restaurant.

During the course of the meal and table talk, an interesting topic came up:  anal intercourse.

Now it is known the best policy for anyting is abstinence, outside the confines of marriage.  But what strikes me as odd was a couple’s resolute eagerness to discuss their passion for anal play.

The couple, Dan and Jennifer, were newlywed and still in the throes of young marital bliss.  They held hands and played with the very nice rings adorning their fingers.  Then, the bomb dropped.  They opened up about their sex lives.

Maybe their openess was induced by the margaritas, but the fact of the matter is that it grossed me out.  Some of my other friends, even a girl I had interest in, all exchanged stories about anal play.  One of the guys was homosexual and seemed enthralled about all the gay talk.  I felt singled out, as the only one not contributing stories about the plunging into the depths of iniquity.  I asked for a subject change and surprisingly, Dan and Jennifer both said, “Okay, enough!”

But then, it got worse.  They started up again, but this time, about Oral Intercourse.

I thought hearing the details about the ‘Astro Gliding’ lubrication and eating etiquette to prepare for sodomy where bad, but it was way worse.  Apparently, ice cream before anal is a big no-no in the glute pumping community.  It is more detail than I cared to know, but can you imagine that in addition to using penile techniques down there, there are men — normal men — who willingly will engage in oral manipulation of their wive’s special area?

In this diagram, I have clearly labeled the reproductive anatomy of a female.  My hopes are to disuade many of you today from licking your way to yeast ingestion and viviparous genocide.  I truly hope today’s lesson will turn men away from the gap legged modern feminist’s demands of having oral manipulations peformed upon them.

As you can see, as with a bird a woman exits her urinary waste and child from the same place.  Anal waste would be included in this number as well, but as we see women have a seperating flaps of sorts, a fold of skin that becomes turgid during proper intercourse, to protect the more gentle areas from fecal contamination.

When one inserts a engourged phallus or tongue into this area in inappropriate manner, it upsets the balance of nature.  The erected phallus in the anus risks contaminating a woman and your future children.  Urinary tract infection and syphillis are ugly thing you do not want to inflict upon your family.

If this was not bad enough, the tongue introduces foreign yeast and bacteria as well to a woman.  A woman’s coister can also host rancid bacteria, yeast and the sperming products of any male she has allowed to penetrate her within the last 5 years.  Is this truly what you want in your mouth?

In the diagram, the separating flap does not preclude the urethra, the port that shares a spot with the baby sperm entrance, from expelling urine.  So right during an act of tongue play, a woman may accidentally urinate right into your mouth.

People who engage in these sorts of acts are raunchy and usually keep turning to deeper forms of perversion to keep their excitement mounted.

Dental Derrierre

In this bizarre act, couples who start of using oral and anal perversion on each other proceed to ‘scrub’ the inner intestines of each other by using toothbrushes in a sexual manner.  This woman became a bit too enthralled, however, and earned an expensive trip to her local emergency room.

Anal Acupuncture

This act is based in Chinese origins, as can be told about the anal acupuncture that’s taking place.  To remove this item, it costs much time and embarassment for the staff and the fornicator.

Coca Cola Trepanning

A waste spot has been blocked by a Coca Cola bottle.  Though sodomy is a favorite passion of homosexuals, here we see the pelvic girdle of a woman is now labored with a deeply inserted cola bottle, straight through the firm sphincter of sensual prohibition and to the hilt of her colon.  Why would a couple who is married and can enjoy the blessings of proper intercourse resort to such Satanic acts?  Her anal orifice grips impossibly tight to the bottle, causing incalculable pressure and wave-like contractions of parastalsis to conduct over it again and again.  Any inserted member would explode in pointless sin faced with such conditions, so perhaps it is better that it’s just a coke bottle and not a staff of liquid life.

Defilator

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Howard Stern is an insecure man trapped in the angst of his most tormented teenage year.  With hair so long and pained eyes hidden behind dark glasses, it is obvious that he faced a homosexual trauma at a tender teenaged age.  He exploits women and uses such sloven humor because he’s hiding the pains of his past, much like Hugh Hefner.  He refuses to make his demons public and heal, like we saw with respected actor and producer Tyler Perry.

Howard Stern will only heal when he admits that he was accosted by a homosexual menace at a young age.  Howard, there is no reason to feel shamed.  Howard, there is no reason to work tirelessly to convince young couples to using these defiling devices of vibrating pleasure within each other.  You see where it leads.  This woman’s ability to produce children for her husband may now be wrecked.

In addition to the internal damage, her seperator flap may be irreversibly damaged, meaning a life of yeast infections and bacterial infection, eliminating the chance of having a healthy child?  This woman is no more use to her husband now and will likely be kicked to the curb for a more functional model.

Maybe Howard Stern understands this cycle.  Perhaps he games women like this, so there will be more washed-up hookers with no skills at life, kicked out of their husband’s abode because they tempted him into these perverted acts, just like Eve did Adam.  They crawl the streets and let men with video cameras defile them more, then try to do whatever Howard Stern wants for a quick $50.

A secret passed along in the homosexual community is that of “anal freshening”.  After orgy after orgy and hit of meth after hit of meth, and cocained lined meth penises, the anus of a homosexual must be a very musty place.

Bacteria and unwashed soot built up from weeks on end of sodomy and no baths makes for a tepid region of pulled scabs and festering boils, all ravaged again and again.  To remedy this, gays routinely insert juices, berries and other small end items, like dinner mints, in their anus so as to not make their ‘top’ sick upon initial entrance.

This photo is likely from a couple who heard of this knowledge and then decided to ‘freshen’ with an Indian Spirit air freshener, or maybe Mulberry Breeze.  Whatever the case, they misunderstood the physics of entrance and exit for this portion of the body.

Buton in the Butt

Simple and straight-forward, this likely goes into the ‘police fetish’ seen in sorority parties nationwide.

Anti-Aircraft Shelling

This couple opted for hard artillery and inserted an anti-aircraft shell into a woman’s Secret Place?  What type of people take the time to illegally buy high-priced military items, find a way to insert into the woman and then have to make a secret trip to the hospital, for all their shame to still be shown to the world.  Considering the ruler only has improper measure in English language, we can narrow down the nation of offense to England, Canada or Australia.

Friends, do not use your body for what it’s not meant to do.  Keep it clean.  Remember, a woman goes number 1 and baby creation from the same place.  Don’t put your mouth there.  It will only lead you to partake in a very disgusting future of bedroom endeavors.