• Bristol Palin Lost Virginity While Drunk, On Wine Coolers

    June 19, 2011 5:01 pm 54 comments
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  • Bristol Palin’s night of losing her virgin stamp was one typical of young high school and college girls. She was drunk on wine coolers, had plied Levi Johnston with unthinkable advances and she was drunk on wine coolers. When she had woke up, she didn’t remember much and Levi had left in confused shame.

    Palin Family
    Creative Commons License photo credit: er3465

    In her new book, “Not Afraid of Life: My Journey So Far,” Bristol tells that she and Levi used condoms, but as we know condoms are just a liberal ploy to encourage underage fornicatino. How many young, sterling men with bright futures have been told ‘It’ll be fine, we will use protection!’ to only find themselves fathers 9 months later. Levi was a victim of this common sorority girl scheme.

    When Bristol did the obligatory thing and got pregnant, Levi said, “It better be a f*cking boy!”, already showing a true gut and grit in taking on responsibility. The memoir further goes on to say then Governor Sarah Palin was shocked, because she did not know what Bristol was doing to stay warm on those frigidly cold Alaskan nights.

    Men, it’s just not worth it. Many of you will be going to college next year and will be faced with vajazzled jezebels wielding wine coolers and seeing you as their ‘baby daddy’ paycheck. When poor young Levi was told he had to cut the umbilical cord, all he could do was allegedly say, “Gross.” Gross.

    It is really gross how so many young men fall into this trap. They are forced to turn away from their desires to be the lawyers, doctors and intrepid businessmen of tomorrow, all because they were forced into these illicit sexual encounters with these young women who just cannot contain themselves.

    Levi always wanted to be a family man and it is so typical that Bristol now has a beautiful $270,000 home in Arizona, while Levi sits in Alaska freezing and confused in the harsh, biting cold. Another man’s life ruined by the swashbuckling condom and wine cooler routine. Sad, so terribly, terribly, sad.

    Run away from the harpies, men, and remember that Sad Ballad of Levi. Your semester of college can easily turn into a lifetime of “Wah, wah” doom, in all of nine months.

    Keep chaste and keep the faith, my friends. Keep chaste and beware the gap legged spinstresses of your demise.

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    Derek Van Buren

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