Catching the Scent of Gays and Atheists in Church
If you smell a foul fart in church, chances are it came from a homosexual or an Atheist, because true born again Christian flatulence is undetectable or smells of jasmine, cut grass, or freshly baked bread from God’s bakery.
Hershey highway gaysters, bung hole buglers and faith challenged Darwin junkies are infiltrating and raising a stink in houses of worship across the nation. A toxic cloud of angst is permeating pews in many churches in odiferous response to recent successful scripture based legislation to keep the gay out of the mouths of Tennessee schoolchildren, prayer in lieu of disaster aid, tax dollar incentives issued to a Kentucky creationist museum and the sheer purifying power of the evangelical message.
Passing gas, breaking wind, cutting the cheese, bum hums, barking spiders, and stepping on a duck are all commonly, yet not publicly, used terms for the act of flatulence. Homosexuals call flatulence and themselves bum buglers. Atheist try to use pseudo scientific terms so they feel smarter.
Normally, flatulence in the nurturing Christian home is a harmless natural occurrence or consequence of the symbiotic interaction of diet, gut flora and exercise. These normal Christian toots of praise, from the morally pure that have given themselves freely to a loving savior in the sacrament of baptism, do not offend or smell. The scent is pleasing to the Lord, other Christians and themselves.
“So he went to him and kissed him. When Isaac caught the smell of his clothes, he blessed him and said, “Ah, the smell of my son is like the smell of a field that the LORD has blessed.” Genesis 27:27
The unsaved gays and Atheists’ constitutions are filled with germs and corruption, debased with pickled eggs, French prepared foods, cheap beer juice, a sense of righteous indignation and an exercise program limited to 18 hour “House” or “Ru Paul” LOGO-a-thons and bum hole bungling. The resulting emissions become weapons of ass disruption. Eyes should be watering for the love of Christ as Lord and savior not because of noxious, morally harmful scents winding through a congregation like tentacles of Satan’s squid squad.
The Lord has given you a nose to sniff out the moral purity of others as scripture tells us in first Corrinthians 12:17 “If the whole body were an eye, where would the hearing be? If the whole were hearing, where would the sense of smell be?” An Atheist or homosexual gay can take on the appearance of faith, but the stench of their corruption will unveil their crimes. The Christian can scents this blindfolded.
Some churches will erroneously dismiss flatulence in church as simple body dynamics. These same churches welcome everyone and avoid the stink eye for visitors. This practice is dangerous. To idolize the human spirit rather than the Holy Spirit is a sure way to condemn all to the pits of Hell where Satan’s unemployed, homeless afro-demons fornicate with your wife and she likes it.
The Song of Solomon calls for the Christian church to anoint in pleasing smells and wear a scented veil as the bride of Christ. Some modern churches welcome the stench of apocalypse by acting like a trashy bridesmaid during the bachelorette party in Vegas with male strippers that swing their wangers in circles. (SOS 4:10 “How fair is thy love, my sister, my spouse! how much better is thy love than wine! and the smell of thine ointments than all spices!“)
The price of gas is rising with the continued welcome of the fecal phantoms and Jesus haters. Scripture is very clear that for congregations that allow flatulence from these people to permeate God’s house will be struck down with flabby abs, premature balding, poor style choices and skin damaging sunburns.
Isaiah 3:24 “And it shall come to pass, that instead of sweet smell there shall be stink; and instead of a girdle a rent; and instead of well set hair baldness; and instead of a stomacher a girding of sackcloth;and burning instead of beauty.“
Pride Seeks its Own Reek
These disgusting people toot-farting in church are using the diabolical social networking and vanity book publishing to brag and prance about their rectal prowess to others. One such tome is “Fart in Church, Articles of Faith and Failure” by Anthony Elmore. This e-publication author proudly journals the travels of one gang that infiltrates and befriends unsuspecting evangelicals and then rips praise for Satan.
“But I was taught as a child to muffle my emissions in church, and to excuse myself from the pew if any odor was forthcoming. Is it really so much to ask the same consideration from others?” – Damian Nash
Some are so proud of their emissions in church that they propose rating systems that account for air stratification and diffusion. Catholics, those that have harbored love for homosexuals in some twisted interpretation of scripture seem to make a game of it, with bonus points if a brief gas fire is started by an altar boy or if the butt trumpet can be syncopated with the ringing of bells.
Flatulence should only be tolerated in church if it is done in evangelical speaking in tongue praise, bestows the scent of faith upon fellow congregants and is followed by a hail and hearty “Hallelujah”, “Amen”, or “I smell fresh bread!” in thanks and praise to our Savior Jesus. Remember you need to keep your faith moving to achieve true anointing.
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- Sinful
- Suspicious
- Scared
- Sad
- Amused
- Laughing Out Loud
Author: Blanche Beecham
"Blanche Beecham lends a soft, learned hand to the fourth estate with incite-full investigations on diverse topics such as Politics, Love, and Lifestyle. Her many years experience as a wife, mother, ladies book club president and financial auditor make her well suited to ferreting out the truth and giving it a sound shake." - Rev. Jackson Lee Whitebelley, Publisher and Editor of "The Incubator" - Follow me on Twitter! @BLANCHEBEECHAM
3:01 am
He who smelt it dealt it!
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3:06 am
That is why it is so difficult to persecute and prosecute these offenders. You know it wasn’t a church member, yet they throw out the same scent defense.
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5:59 am
Mexicans often smell of foul odors.
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11:40 am
Your mom smells like a dead cat.
I threw up after i banged her last night.
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6:17 am
thank you, blanche. weve been needing to point out how the godless infiltration moves forward each day. it’s time to make a stink about something even more deceptive and horrible-hippies in the house of GOD. they come in dressed in ratty blue jeans with embroidered flowers and appliqued peace signs. talking about how they read faust, or the power of a drum circle, or the psychic signifigance of keeping one single tree standing by chaining onesself to it. meanwhile they defile the house of the LORD with the foulest of emissions,caused by a diet of sin,chaos,universal disorder and perpetual referencing of lyrics by bands such as the grateful dead and the phish. they typically try to cover this deadly aroma with their own unwashed scent and excess hair oil.when this fails, they use pleasing aromas such as saffron,sandalwood and patchouli to fool the casual observer. BE WARY!! they may be in your local house of worship this very day!!
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1:41 pm
this is a troll site, ie it’s made by people who want to make fun out of christianity (which is horrible, just like any religion). If you believe in a religion, it’s as bad as being hooked on drugs, if not worse.
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2:20 pm
I’m not smelling fresh bread or jasmine wafting from your comment.
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4:45 pm
If you think your shit smells like “fresh bread or jasmine” I think you need to be admitted into a mental hospital, because you got problems.
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4:55 pm
Your lack of moral purity clouds your judgment. Just because you have an unbearable stench, does not mean everyone does.
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4:59 pm
Trust me everyone does and you are not special in any way lady.
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5:04 pm
And Blanche continues with her spiel of ‘Christians are better than people’ and how they’re completely immune to anything conceivably bad. Even though it’s entirely false.
And that she’s an idiot.
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5:37 pm
christians ARE better than other people.like the homeless.
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5:41 pm
Thats such a real “christian” thing to say, christians are no better than anyone else, they should not even believe that they should be, isn’t that basically against everything you believe?
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2:13 pm
“Jesus” ^^^ You deserve a hand shake, high five and some cookies. Well said good sir.
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6:22 pm
I believe this to be a type of homegrown domestic terrorism perpetrated by the Islam cult and the other brown skinned heathen hordes pouring into our country. Not only do they take our jobs, but now they are a’ fillin our church pews and sunday schools with the prolific offspring from the breeder colonies they have set up all across this once great land. They enter our communities masquerading themselves as god feerin christian folk in order to gain entry into our places of worship and drive out the good meat eating white folks who come to town of a Sundy fer a sing and to pray together in Caucasian fellowship. These flatulent imposters gather on Saturday nights to stuff their guts with an unholy feast of disgusting ethnic “foods” that are seasoned with Satan’s own seasoning of choice, the mothers milk of terrorist world wide..CURRY. Curry is a foul substance made of the dried and powdered diarrhea gathered from the infants that are raised in underground breeder farms and fed on a diet of nothing but curry and fermented fish paste. Some of these curry devotees even go as far as to give one another curry and chili powder enemas in an orgy of anal excess designed to ensure their heathen guts will be full of the sickening gas that this article was written about. Being a deacon at my local place of worship I have taken to greeting our community of (white) worshipers with a dab of Vapo rub on my upper lip and an offer to annoint them likewise as a way to combat the foul stench these terrorist proffer. We refuse to be driven out of our rural community churches and we stand proudly with our menthol mustaches as a show of god fearing christian solidarity.
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6:26 pm
STFU your only making yourself look more stupid than you are.
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7:03 pm
elitist.
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7:09 pm
You should stop talking about yourself like that, means you dont have very good self esteem. Go get you hair done, get some new cloths, maybe then you can find a man. But if you cant thats ok some people are just meant to be hateful old hags like Susan.
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11:00 pm
Young man,
Cease projecting your insecurities on others.
Sister Blanche is considered quite the role model for Christian girls and exudes Godly confidence.
If I were 60 years younger, wasn’t completely stroked-out and half-paralyzed I would ask her father if I might come calling.
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7:17 pm
THAT coming from YOU? You’re the one who thinks that all women, aside from you, should follow the rules laid out in the Bible, regardless if they follow them or not, you’re the one who wants to limit education to the wealthy, and you’re the one who wants the rich to decide what the poor can do. YOU are the one who’s elitist, bitch, so kindly shut the hell up.
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9:11 pm
Poe’s law comes to mind when I view this site.
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9:28 pm
hahahahahahahahaha i God must laugh at this it makes me chuckle, Its funny i created the universe by farting hahahahahahaha, oh and my sweet Mexicans smell of sweet Mexican chocolate and u fakes smell of Satan bread, and cut grass of hell and Satan’s crown made of jasmine, hmmm u got it rite on the spot u fake old hag,Blanche Beecham, i love being good
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3:12 am
Lately, my wife has been very flatulent. No … “lately” is not her name. Anyway I have been noticing her flatulence during the act of colitis. It all started last year sometime, after she returned from a The Phish rock and roll concert. She started wearing sandals and tighter clothing to better display her provocative frame. She missed church and started eating salads. She then started making demands in bed, evermore needing the “doggee” styled position of lovemaking. Having read the warnings in Chris†wire about how Satan’s temptations inspire female sexual independence, I fell into despair. This new warning has me even more worried about my marriage and my wife’s eternal soul. I now know that she prefers the rear poking because it is easier to get separated from her sexual chores as it is with missionary where she’s pinned beneath my girth, her hands clasped in back of her head. During the doggee sessions, she would sometimes spring from the bed and run to the bathroom and lock the door and I could hear flatulation. I knew she was ashamed at how Satan’s influence had interrupted her duties. Eventually, I fear that Satan has supplanted her once holy demeanor because she no longer was embarrassed when she flatulated during her sexual chores, I have fallen into depression because of this and have turned inward, praying that by the grace of Christ my marriage may pull through.
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6:18 pm
where in hell do these “unemployed homeless afro-demons” foricate with your wife? in a bed or in the firely coals of the inferno?
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5:40 pm
As the author of Farting in Church, I take offence with the idea that I have intentionally targeted Evangelical Christians with my vapors of dissent.
Throughout my travels, I have made wind in many kinds of religious establishments. I passed gas while the offering plate was passed in a Presbyterian church. As for Catholic Churches, how can you not keep from farting with all that genuflecting and standing. In a synagogue, I kerplatch-ed so hard it blew the Yamahas off the parishioner behind me.
I even ripped in a Unitarian Universalist church, where they later debated if it actually existed.
I made the Quakers quake. I posed the question in a Zen ashram, “What is the sound of one cheek clapping?”
I am an equal opportunity offender.
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10:05 pm
So you like farting on every body? That is pretty gross. Do you do that for sexual reasons?
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10:46 pm
How nice you wrote an ebook. So instead of writing a real book that someone might like to read, you wrote one and put it on an online piracy site to be torrented around the internet to be read by teenagers who have nothing better to do than dutch oven each other with their stench. How nice.
So you received a minor mention on a reputable christian site and now your calling out Sister Beecham to ‘bring it on’ with your “flaming retort”!
If you want “flaming” ask my grand children about my
sermons to them about self fornication!
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11:07 pm
Anthony,
You need to settle down.
I have posted your little Salon rant to my facebook page. I demand an immediate apology this weekend or I will publicize our little feud and your ebook thingy. I imagine that is some kind of drug reference to beeno snorting that the kids are doing in those godless libraries.
I can not abide your complete denial of truth or incomprehensible righteous indignation after you admit attending a Unitarian church. Unitarian is nothing to be proud of as the ‘church’ is simply a leftist, poli-Bi cafeteria dream of Christianity.
I await your apology.
Kind regards,
BB
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12:03 am
This author “Anthony” is offensive and borderline sociopathic. The way he aggressively all religions is dangerous and very hateful. I hope the fellowship remains aware of the dangers he poses to our worship.
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12:18 am
I am just shocked at how bold he is!
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3:19 pm
Why don’t you just excuse yourself and head to the men’s room?
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9:33 pm
Blanche Beecham if u didn’t know farts smell the always do and ur such an idiotic old fart
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