• Catching the Scent of Gays and Atheists in Church

    June 19, 2011 2:51 am 32 comments


    If you smell a foul fart in church, chances are it came from a homosexual or an Atheist, because true born again Christian flatulence is undetectable or smells of jasmine, cut grass, or freshly baked bread from God’s bakery.

    Hershey highway gaysters, bung hole buglers and faith challenged Darwin junkies are infiltrating and raising a stink in houses of worship across the nation. A toxic cloud of angst is permeating pews in many churches in odiferous response to recent successful scripture based legislation to keep the gay out of the mouths of Tennessee schoolchildren, prayer in lieu of disaster aid, tax dollar incentives issued to a Kentucky creationist museum and the sheer purifying power of the evangelical message.

    Passing gas, breaking wind, cutting the cheese, bum hums, barking spiders, and stepping on a duck are all commonly, yet not publicly, used terms for the act of flatulence. Homosexuals call flatulence and themselves bum buglers. Atheist try to use pseudo scientific terms so they feel smarter.

    Normally, flatulence in the nurturing Christian home is a harmless natural occurrence or consequence of the symbiotic interaction of diet, gut flora and exercise. These normal Christian toots of praise, from the morally pure that have given themselves freely to a loving savior in the sacrament of baptism, do not offend or smell. The scent is pleasing to the Lord, other Christians and themselves.

    So he went to him and kissed him. When Isaac caught the smell of his clothes, he blessed him and said, “Ah, the smell of my son is like the smell of a field that the LORD has blessed.” Genesis 27:27

    The unsaved gays and Atheists’ constitutions are filled with germs and corruption, debased with pickled eggs, French prepared foods, cheap beer juice, a sense of righteous indignation and an exercise program limited to 18 hour “House” or “Ru Paul” LOGO-a-thons and bum hole bungling. The resulting emissions become weapons of ass disruption. Eyes should be watering for the love of Christ as Lord and savior not because of noxious, morally harmful scents winding through a congregation like tentacles of Satan’s squid squad.

    The Scent of Faith

    The Lord has given you a nose to sniff out the moral purity of others as scripture tells us in first Corrinthians 12:17 “If the whole body were an eye, where would the hearing be? If the whole were hearing, where would the sense of smell be?” An Atheist or homosexual gay can take on the appearance of faith, but the stench of their corruption will unveil their crimes. The Christian can scents this blindfolded.

    Some churches will erroneously dismiss flatulence in church as simple body dynamics. These same churches welcome everyone and avoid the stink eye for visitors. This practice is dangerous. To idolize the human spirit rather than the Holy Spirit is a sure way to condemn all to the pits of Hell where Satan’s unemployed, homeless afro-demons fornicate with your wife and she likes it.

    The Song of Solomon calls for the Christian church to anoint in pleasing smells and wear a scented veil as the bride of Christ. Some modern churches welcome the stench of apocalypse by acting like a trashy bridesmaid during the bachelorette party in Vegas with male strippers that swing their wangers in circles. (SOS 4:10 “How fair is thy love, my sister, my spouse! how much better is thy love than wine! and the smell of thine ointments than all spices!“)

    The price of gas is rising with the continued welcome of the fecal phantoms and Jesus haters. Scripture is very clear that for congregations that allow flatulence from these people to permeate God’s house will be struck down with flabby abs, premature balding, poor style choices and skin damaging sunburns.

    Isaiah 3:24 “And it shall come to pass, that instead of sweet smell there shall be stink; and instead of a girdle a rent; and instead of well set hair baldness; and instead of a stomacher a girding of sackcloth;and burning instead of beauty.

    Pride Seeks its Own Reek

    These disgusting people toot-farting in church are using the diabolical social networking and vanity book publishing to brag and prance about their rectal prowess to others. One such tome is “Fart in Church, Articles of Faith and Failure” by Anthony Elmore. This e-publication author proudly journals the travels of one gang that infiltrates and befriends unsuspecting evangelicals and then rips praise for Satan.

    But I was taught as a child to muffle my emissions in church, and to excuse myself from the pew if any odor was forthcoming. Is it really so much to ask the same consideration from others?” – Damian Nash

    Some are so proud of their emissions in church that they propose rating systems that account for air stratification and diffusion. Catholics, those that have harbored love for homosexuals in some twisted interpretation of scripture seem to make a game of it, with bonus points if a brief gas fire is started by an altar boy or if the butt trumpet can be syncopated with the ringing of bells.

    Flatulence should only be tolerated in church if it is done in evangelical speaking in tongue praise, bestows the scent of faith upon fellow congregants and is followed by a hail and hearty “Hallelujah”, “Amen”, or “I smell fresh bread!” in thanks and praise to our Savior Jesus. Remember you need to keep your faith moving to achieve true anointing.

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    About The Author
    Blanche Beecham "Blanche Beecham lends a soft, learned hand to the fourth estate with incite-full investigations on diverse topics such as Politics, Love, and Lifestyle. Her many years experience as a wife, mother, ladies book club president and financial auditor make her well suited to ferreting out the truth and giving it a sound shake." - Rev. Jackson Lee Whitebelley, Publisher and Editor of "The Incubator" - Follow me on Twitter! @BLANCHEBEECHAM

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