Congratulations America’s newest college graduates! Before you step off that podium with your embossed scrolls, I pray that you take a moment to survey the incredible landscape before you. The world is virgin territory for your fertile, yearning minds. You have great potential, but be warned! Along that wondrous path that snakes out through careers, faith and family life there are horrific pitfalls and overwhelming responsibilities. The earth is literally shaking apart with earthquakes and tornadoes, tsunamis and wildfires, violent protests and bodily immorality in anticipation of what lies ahead. First and foremost, it’s now time to pay society back.
You owe America a great debt. We have raised you, we have cherished you. We scarified selflessly for everything you’ve ever needed. You have been an endless emotional and financial toil on us all. Your elders have devoted so much to guiding you towards the righteous path. Your political and spiritual leaders have been waging a tremendous cultural battle on your behalf. Now we expect you to do the right thing.
So many of you harbor a horrible aversion to hard work! You people hate responsibility and run as fast as you can when the word “morality” is whispered softly into your ears. Television shows like Charlie Sheen and the Kardashians have filled your heads with quixotic dreams of easy stardom. You think you can become famous for simply being famous. You’ve been fed a heaping spoonful of propaganda on your college campuses. All those tenured professors have told that you life is full of intellectual fancies and playful explorations. Your communal housing has brought you close to people from all across the spectrum, some of whom did not have the benefit of a faith-based home life. Those of us with maturity shudder at what you must have witnessed in the darkest hours of your dormitory diversions.
But now you’re finally free from the clutches of all that. Once you start on a career and pay taxes, you’ll understand what society’s obligations truly are. Car loans, mortgages and paychecks will quickly make you aware of your bottom line! The adherents of liberalism out there today turn a blind eye to such concerns. When you’re living off of a welfare check or trust fund, you care little about the fiscal irresponsibility of certain factions in our political environment. But hopefully not you!
By the way, that resume isn’t going to mail itself! So get to it! You should have a clear game plan before you arrive home for the summer. Hopefully you’ve made the right friends who can help you get your foot in the door. Churches are also great places to kick off your professional networking and there is no one better than your pastor for advice. He’s seen it all and has profound experience wrestling the intense questions of a purpose-driven life.
For you athletes out there, one of the beautiful benefits of your years on the field is that you now leave campus with a lifelong fraternal web of teammates. Colleges understand that there are a great number of successful people who support and adore collegiate sports. Don’t be afraid to use that to your advantage! The rich father of a fellow football player or the elder donor who funded your team’s jerseys might be a very helpful person to reach out to. Believe me, these men love to see the brawny boys who brought home the trophies! It’s thrilling for us alums to have you muscled men show up at our doors in your time of need. We’’ll be more than happy to offer you some paternal advice and a hearty pat on the back over a filling meal.
If you made the unfortunate choice to pursue a degree in the arts, then reality is going to smack you children real quick. Sadly, those diplomas aren’t worth a hill of beans in this job market. Did you honestly believe there is a vital need for portrait painters or modern dancers in today’s America? If all else fails, and the Lord knows with Obama’s failed economic policies jobs are truly scarce, you can always put some time in at a Radio Shack or McDonalds to earn some income. There is nothing to be ashamed of in an honest day’s work. Even if you have an MFA or PhD in the liberal arts, this is an appropriate professional pursuit considering your considerable limitations.
Whatever you do, the summer is not for sultry vacationing. The temptation is there and it’s great! The girls! Those still innocent gentle girls, releasing a school year’s worth of development for the first time this season in their little bikinis whose strings so playfully tempt you to pluck at them. Their chests with a droplet or two of seawater inching down blossoming crevasses… It’s hard to think of all the emails you need to send to prospective companies when you’re turning over on your stomachs to bury the most salient points of your groins in crude caverns of sand!
Young ladies, you too, are equally susceptible to these distractions. Especially when those boys, just back from the surf with swim trunks clinging tight to inner thighs leads to guilty daydreams. Stop lathering yourselves with suntan lotion for a minute and think about your futures! Those packs of surfers rhythmically passing by, their muscled calves in hypnotic locomotion, you sitting there barely clothed, it’s all intensely alluring for your delicate minds… You’ll find yourself heaving from the heat of it all.
And maybe you boys and girls will frolic in the waves together, splash each other into frenzied bursts of laughter which lead to closer horseplay. That mischievous hand that grabs a foot or pushes another’s head beneath the water, and then touching exotic latitudes of flesh harmlessly at first and then with salacious curiosity… These fumblings may be picked up again when you sit in the cool darkness of a weekend movie theater, the shared armrest leading to a surprise male hormonal surge and the female discovering this with a hand as light as a butterfly coming to rest on a mountaintop, fluttering its wings until the boy leans back and gasps out his secret seminal triumph.
Please don’t let the temptation of sexual intercourse ruin the rest of your life! Pregnancy is no way to begin adulthood! And all that free time can lead to other issues, namely chronic self-gratification. It’s just too easy to close the door to your bedroom and grope away the afternoon in your crusty bed sheets. The internet is for job listings, not pornographic clickings and social hookup sites. And think of who bears the responsibility of washing those linens!
If I can be a touch more serious for a moment, I should point out that you will face entirely new dangers this summer. Many of you are now old enough to consume alcohol for the first time. Spirits and beer will make you slow and arrogant. Drunk, you may espouse grandiose impossibilities of billion-dollar internet startups or bank CEO chairs that await the arrival of your strapping backsides. You might even end up wrestling friends down hard on the ground beside the spitting flames of a dying campfire. You’ll find yourself in sweaty puzzles of arms and legs, acting out the disgraceful scenario you saw in that unfortunate web video. Next morning, you’ll run to coffee and scrambled eggs to hide the shame. But no amount of greasy fare will cure your torrential throbbing. You need to understand that this is divine punishment for dreaming so haughtily.
For those who fall into the wrong crowd, peer pressure marijuana binges can truly derail your life. Pot is an incredible trap. You lose all ambition and spend your days sinking into a moist depression on the couch. Years can literally pass by before you wake up to reality and crushing poverty. The cretins who prey on gullible young men and women in this scene are truly the lowest forms of humanity. They travel the country in jam band caravans seeking out new recruits. Once you’re hooked, welfare checks and grungy dreadlocks await. Do you really believe your parents spent tens of thousands of dollars on a university education so that you could become an umemployable hippie?
Now is the time to whip your minds and your bodies in shape my friends! Work out at the gym, love your families and try to meet people who can contribute to your professional careers! You don’t have forever. In fact, your biological clocks will soon tick into high gear. Middle age will creep up on you. It’s vicious that way. In just a few short years, your belt buckle won’t clasp, you’ll lose your car keys every day. You’ll find growths where you never expected them. You’ll go from spending hours in the bathroom grooming for a night out to spending hours in the bathroom waiting for the congestion in your pipelines to pass. The checkout girl at the pharmacy will get to know you on a first name basis as you return again and again for criminally-priced products to clear up your latest irritations. Toenail cutting will become a tiresome chore. The hair on your back will grow too thick to trim (and besides that, your arms will become too arthritic and fleshy for such manicuring maneuvers).
And as you get even older, your inflammations will develop into serious complications. You and your loved ones will grow mutually antagonistic but you’ll stay together out of a shared inertia in some musty tract home. Your floundering career will devolve into nothing more than an excuse to escape the clingy drama of destitute domesticity. Your only respite in life will be found in the painfully early hours of the morning commute when you listen to talk radio and read the bumper stickers on passing sports cars. Your old friends will grow so worn down by age that they can no longer hide the fact that they simply hate you. The elders you once looked up to will become cruel and senile, bandaging their emotional scars with bottles of gin secreted away beneath sofa cushions. That hairy back will grow into a hump that you rest achingly against your old damp chair as you reach out helplessly for the clicker to find some darn television show that doesn’t push you into a tizzy of rage. And between flashes of intestinal pain anf financial terror, you may wonder aloud at what has become of this world and why these children today aren’t doing anything to save it. Why do they care more about sex and celebrities than faith and patriotism? Where did America go so terribly wrong? We gave them everything and this is how they repay us? Ungrateful little jerks one and all.
Well, good luck and God bless college grads!