• FDA Issues Warning Over Zocor Muscle Clenching Raver Parties

    June 10, 2011 4:24 am 8 comments

    As warned by Tyson Bowers III, the youth of America are being gripped by a new dark Raver Culture.

    Twice as dangerous as a drug-induced mosh pot at Woodstock, these raver parties are a hard mix of smoked drugs, hard alcohol and unwarranted sex acts between the drugged and the conscious.

    Recent studies from Galup revealed shocking news. Over 28% of college freshmen, in only the last year, attended a raver party and had ‘black out’ moments after experimenting with illicit substances.

    One of the featured drugs at Raver events is an impossibly dangerous substance known as Zocor. Zocor is the culprit behind a Raver trend known as ‘loose bending’ or ‘declenching circles’ that has lead to many youth in America to now suffer from kidney disease and irreparable muscle damage.

    Perhaps hip to the side-effects of high dosages of Zocor before the FDA, the hipster raver culture was found to copiously dole out this drug at their events (prominently at The Phish Concerts, Hootie and the Blowfish Concerts per studies Cooper, Landstein et. al) to loosen the bodies of the willing and unwilling for carnal acts. Zocor weakens the body’s muscle and the homosexual elite who are prominent in this culture take advantage of this fact to antagonize the backside of those who collapse in exhaustion.

    Many primary care physicians nationwide began to notice a sharp decline in renal and muscle health of patients and were able to link it back to Zocor, causing the FDA to issue a stern warning against the drug.

    Parents must be active and tell if their child has fallen prey to Zocor addiction after attending common venues for raver culture:

    1. Sullen, dark eyes
    – This classic sign of a student who works hard during finals must not be confused for the hematomas formed from illicit Zocor use. Ravers will often times decorate their faces with makeup (even males), especially tending to ‘blend’ their facial features with use of heavy eyeliner, mascara and black facial paint under the eyes. They will accesorize with black finger paint and clothing, saying they are hipster or emo goths when in reality they are blood letting Zocor addicts.

    2. Unusual need for Preparation H

    If your child is at home, check their room when they are gone. Search in odd places (drawer corners, bathroom dirty clothing hamper or under the bed or shoes), if you find any type of ointments or spent bottles of Zocor, you have great cause for concern.

    If your child is in college, call their room when they have a scheduled difficult class and hope the roommate answers. Bribe the roommate with ‘party money’ in excess of several hundred dollars for information and ask them if your kid has attended raver parties or complaining of orifice or muscle pain. If yes, Zocor orgies at raver parties can be to blame.

    As more of this trend continues to be revealed, we will keep you informed.

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    About The Author
    Pat Heinkel Pat Heinkel is the senior church organist for Shellington Pres., where he also proudly serves as a volunteer firefighter, distinguished lecturer and has the town's (maybe region!) largest collection of Coleoptera. Email Pat

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