In a desperate attempt to breathe life into a dying medium, LA Weekly pressed its venereal lips to the internet this week and the results are nothing less than libelous. This “alternative” Hollywood newspaper has crowned a host of lackluster links as the “Best of the Web” with little compunction for morality and traditional values.
Maybe we shouldn’t be surprised. Indeed, this ill-conceived list comes from an organization that makes its money by running bondage prostitution ads and writing about marijuana dispensaries. This old-fashioned tabloid-style paper has never been shy about its contrarian agenda. Week after week, they promote the drug music culture while harassing local law enforcement. Noteworthy articles of late have included exposés on such vital topics as Serbian sex films, office “vulvas,” pornographic Japanese animation artists and that clichéd kingpin of the counterculture, Tim Burton. Alongside these collegiate-style discourses, it’s normal to find poorly-researched takedowns of wholesome figures ranging from Christian pet owners to hardworking firefighters.
It’s difficult to imagine how such a scandal sheet could cling to profitability. Their overcompensated reporters work endlessly to ingratiate themselves into the Hollywood elite, yet the paper itself is printed with the cheapest of inks, blackening the hands of its faithless subscribers. Possibly this is intentional. It could be an attempt to create a dirty-fingered signal to be traded among the denizens of Los Angeles, a secret acknowledgement that they, too, partake in an insurrectionary approach to our contemporary culture. The editors’ Ivy League sense of grammar will certainly offend most heartland Americans while their blurry, misaligned photographs make real artists cringe. One imagines that the weekly is most popular in West Hollywood, where the fast-acting metabolisms of the local Chihuahua population make it an essential scooping accessory for the neighborhood’s overzealous dog walkers.
The staff of LA Weekly is a veritable “who’s who” of outcasts, libertines and DNC operatives. They are backstabbing strivers quietly conspiring for entrée into effete confines of celebrity whoredom (though most would settle for an afternoon assignation in James Franco’s Liberace-style Silverlake bungalow). Helming this fever-plagued ship is the unfortunately named Drex Heikes. This beefy bear is singularly responsible for the pro-prostitution slant of the paper. Heikes knows this dangerous world all too well, having spent his formative years prowling the Las Vegas strip with the ladies (and men) of the evening. Today, he waves off his gimlet eye and old knife wounds, claiming he did it all in the name of “reportage.”
Fashion designer and Soviet bloc expat Jill Stewart plays first mate to curmudgeonly captain Drex, navigating this teetering barque into the worst storms of our multicultural society. Her crew includes the Broadway flâneur Zachary Pincus-Roth. Pincus-Roth is infamous in the Los Angeles nightlife scene for offering impressionable young women “ZPR” (his raunchy version of CPR) with a fake French accent. Far worse is film editor Karina Longworth, the hipster queen of Hollywood’s underground film scene. Labeled as “freakish” by the New York Times, the lascivious Longsworth is known to crash premiere parties with a posse Asian Twitterers and imperious homosexuals in a never-ending quest for a top shelf open bar. Reporter Simone “Electra” Wilson adds a uniquely incorrigible liberalism to the tabloid, using her long-legged bodaciousness to win the confidences of her sources. The result is a steady stream of reckless innuendo that incites newsmakers to shudder in fear that she may turn her malicious gaze on them next.
Villainous tech virtuoso Keith Plocek dominates the internet side of this enterprise with odious intensity. The hirsuite former Texan, who lists “Goats” and “Vampires” among his top hobbies on Facebook, has reputedly pushed staffers to tears over a single poorly coded “href.” Sadly, Plocek’s desire to subjugate the senses with far too many hyperlinks and flashing graphics has resulted in a fussy web page more likely to encourage seizures than sensible contemplation. Special note should be made of Harvard-educated playboy Gustavo Turner and geeky Eric VanBeek. Both men work in tandem to chronicle the insufferable “hipster” scene with grimy cameras and a pocketfuls of throbbing ambition. Turner has been instrumental in getting the most intolerable musical acts an excessive amount of media coverage. Christian websites have been known to work overtime to refute his latest tirades.
In this week’s exercise in yellow journalism, LA Weekly crowned Alyssa Milano as one of the most admirable people on the internet. Their endgame in stalking the starlet is unclear. It is evident, however, that their hormonal fascinations go both ways. Young male bloggers Mike Scioscia and Geoff Boucher are two other recipients of the paper’s flirtatious praise and generous “hot” links. To underscore their bona fides in the underground scene, there are also shout-outs to radical groups like “Odd Future Wolfgang Kill Them All” and “Streetsblog Los Angeles.”
Finally, LA Weekly even made a nasty stab at Christianity in America today by mocking this website and it’s message of compassion. It was a senseless and irrational act, one that will surely place them deep in the annals of hatemongering propagandists. Photographs from the awards ceremony reveal that they hired two underemployed actors to appear on stage as representatives of Christwire. The prank fell flat, however, and has drawn condemnation in conservative circles. Yes, we’ve seen these two characters before and their agenda has been effectively eviscerated.
How long this bastion of calumnious contrivances will survive is not known but surely the ascendancy of traditional moralists like Sarah Palin beckons a new dawn for America. Hopefully, this burgeoning epoch of righteousness also represents the twilight of radical media organizations like LA Weekly.
On a personal note, I would like to thank all those sources who provided me anonymous background information on LA Weekly. If you have further details to contribute, please post them below or email me at Stephenson@Christwire.org. Your identity will be kept private.