WARNING: This article is intended for mature audiences and those anointed with the spiritual groundwork necessary for a frank discussion of sexuality in preparation for Christian marriage.
Girls spend their whole lives looking forward to the day when preparations for that walk down the aisle to marry a beloved in God’s sacred plan become reality. What many young brides soon discover is they not only married a man, but also his penis. Sure the penis is part of the man. But just as other denominations are part of the body of Christ, meeting his penis for the first time can be like walking into a snake handling Pentecostal service when one has attended Southern Baptist churches their whole life. This is a helpful primer for the Christian bride of facts she needs to know about this new exciting friend.
Those Two Have Some History
A man’s penis has been with the groom his whole life. Trusted friend and confidant, a man and his penis have had a long relationship. Together they have had adventures and gone to vacation Bible school long before the wedding day. Introducing you to his dearest friend can be a little scary and unnerving. If raised in a proper home, he was taught to zip his fly in public and to avoid exposing himself to others. It may seem unnatural to expose himself to you.
The first meeting is very crucial. Typically, a penis is relatively un-socialized with little interaction experience on the wedding night, but some have tripped the light fantastic, had playful fencing matches with boys at a slumber party and gone on lengthy cruises around the globe. Your husband might be willing to give you a brief biography of his penis if you ask the right questions. Start with the basics like “What’s his name?” or “What are some of Thor King of Thunder’s favorite pastimes?”
The Penis is Not a Slave to the Brain as Part of God’s Plan
The penis does not take orders from the brain. This might seem obvious to any man that has mentally recited books of the Bible to extend sexual pleasure, but there are still doubters requiring a study or citation of sources to ensure it is true. According to Men’s Health, “No brain is necessary for ejaculation. That order comes from the spinal cord.”
As part of God’s plan, the male body was constructed to shoot offspring into the woman with limited effort and thought. The man and his brain have a lot to overcome to achieve moral purity, which is a test of his free will. If left to its own devices, the penis will get into all sorts of mischief, much the way sheep without a shepherd will get lost and perhaps be eaten by wolves.
Some have suggested that testosterone kills brain cells, but little research has been published to support this hypothesis and Biblical scholars can offer no scriptural basis for such claims. Yes, the penis will lie and make bad decisions if not tempered. The well tempered penis that behaves has the freedom that comes from a loving Christian marriage and does not cause worry or bother.
Shape Shifting Wonderland
While no two penises are the same and certainly the love and attachment you have to your beloved will make his penis stand out for you as superior, there are three distinct categories of penises.
The penis that appears quite small when having quiet time and becomes a marble marvel when fully aroused is sometimes referred to as a “grower” or the “jack in a box” because it is a startling feat of animation in action. These penises are like having a magician or an exotic bird in the home. They might be quietly sleeping one moment and POP out for a look around the next. It is also similar to the long neck box turtle one might find in the garden.
The “shower” (as in big show) penis appears long all the time. These are the jaunty jesters of the penis world. They can dance and flap wildly against a man’s belly (or chest!) when hips are gyrated, leaving the audience weak with laughter and submissive for sexual congress. I should note that laughter should only be allowed in front of a bare penis when the beloved is doing the little dance for amusement and in lieu of general anesthesia prior to sex, not as a serious show of prowess (that would be gay, but I’m not judging). Remember, it isn’t funny unless he thinks it is funny too.
The third category of penis is one every man’s organ is a member of and that is the “greatest, most awe inspiring, sexually satisfying penis the world has ever known” category. It’s like this, ladies – it may not be attached to the brain, but the penis is attached to the ego. Both need stroking.
The Penis Bone is a Myth, but Some Men Can Give Mouth Sex to Themselves
While some will refer to a ‘boner’, the penis on most humans does not have a bone.
According to one study, a quarter of a percent of all men are limber enough to perform mouth sex on their own penis. While the circumstance and situations leading to this discovery are unclear, it becomes apparent this is something that is attempted at one time or another.
You Absolutely Can Break a Penis
This is usually limited to young men but can occur at any age. While this is called a penile fracture, as discussed above, no bones are actually broken. Sudden blunt trauma or abrupt lateral bending of the penis in an erect state can break the markedly thinned and stiff tunica albuginea, resulting in a fractured penis.
Penis fractures are commonly seen in couples that practice the unsafe sexual positions of the woman on top. The vigorous riding motions are unnatural and put the penis at grave risk should it slip out of the baby hole and be bent by the weight of the woman thrusting downward. The missionary position or is highly recommended as safe and effective for intimacy and pregnancy without potentially harming the penis.
Anal sex, while not specifically addressed in the scriptures, can lead to penis fracture as well as a host of diseases and injuries. While the consent of both partners may be present for the act, the behavior is against the marriage being open to blessings of life. Perhaps the hazard of penis breakage and possible rupture of delicate anus tissues are God’s way of making this a one way traverse rather than a bridge to intimacy for Christian couples.
The Penis is Without a Turtleneck – The Circumcised Penis
Circumcision is once again becoming a controversial topic for young parents, but for the bride greeting her husband’s penis it can mean infections in her woman parts if that extra flap of skin is present. For couples facing the issues of the uncircumcised penis, good advice is prayer and checking into adult circumcision. Intimacy free of disease and infection can be liberating.
75% of all non-Jewish and non-Muslim men are circumcised, so few will face this surprise on their wedding night.
The Twitchy Penis
It may seem at times that the penis rules the roost. Masturbation is one struggle many men face, single and married. While God gave man a body and pleasure in the act of sexual relations in marriage, the penis can tell little difference in pleasure with the wife compared to a banana peel, gently warmed in the microwave, or hands slick with lotion. Romans 7:15: “I do not understand what I am doing, because I do not practice what I want to do, but I do what I hate” might be a good starting verse before prayer if your beloved has a masturbation problem.
Masturbation is oftentimes accompanied by indulging in sexual fantasies outside of Christian marriage. Fantasy, if we are to believe the words of Jesus (Matthew 5:28), does represent a very real breach of a person’s mental and spiritual purity. “But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”
The twitchy penis will also seek out fame. The internet is rife with pictures of “junk shots”. These are not only men of immoral character, but late stage embarrassments from a twitchy penis. If you suspect your husband has a twitchy penis, seek counseling immediately. All things through Christ are possible and your beloved’s problem is not too great for prayer.
Most penises are kind and gentle and certainly when given the care and nurturing home the Christian bride and groom have planned are sure to be lifetime friends. Good luck and best wishes for a blissful wedding and meeting your new friend!
http://www.menshealth.com/mhlists/penis_facts/Penis_Fact_14.php#ixzz1P2HHDSJ6Journalist = Value of Custom Field