• Reject Heathen Homo Science, Only Priests Can Deal with Mildew

    June 13, 2011 4:44 pm 51 comments

    All Scripture is holy, and to disobey it is sin. Yet, for some reason, many who call themselves Christians do not follow the Word of God to the letter, as He intended. Sometimes Scripture can be interpreted in different ways, and Christwire helps foster the dialogue on those issues by encouraging an open and honest discussion. The issue of mildew, however, is not up for debate. The second half of the Book of Leviticus, Chapter 14 is entirely about the removal of mildew from the home, and the way it is to done with maximal holiness is clear. Do not clean mildew out of your home any other way unless you want a one-way ticket to hell.

    Mildew is punishment from God for our sins, and removal of mildew should not be taken lightly. As you can see above, the appearance of mildew often looks like homo semen death disease stains. One common reason for mildew is because a member of the household has caught the gay disease, but that is not the only possibility. In any case, Leviticus makes clear the remedy:

    “The LORD told Moses and Aaron to say to the people:

    After I have given you the land of Canaan as your permanent possession, here is what you must do, if I ever put mildew on the walls of any of your homes. First, you must say to a priest, “I think mildew is on the wall of my house.”

    The priest will reply, “Empty the house before I inspect it, or else everything in it will be unclean.”

    Do not buy cleaning products yourself and do not attempt removal of mildew on your own. You need the aid of a priest, and anyone telling you otherwise is Satan in disguise. If the priest at your church does not know how to correctly inspect for mildew, he is a sinner. You should disown him and join a new church with a priest who is not a fool.

    Since all objects must be removed from the house, this is a good time to check to see if anyone in your house has sinful anal gay dildos or homoerotic pornos. If you find any of this anus propaganda, throw it out. You are now one step closer to living without the sin of mildew. The next step is as follows:

    If the priest discovers greenish or reddish spots that go deeper than the surface of the walls, he will have the house closed for seven days. Then he will return and check to see if the mildew has spread. If so, he will have someone scrape the plaster from the walls, remove the filthy stones, then haul everything off and dump it in an unclean place outside the town. Afterwards the wall must be repaired with new stones and fresh plaster.

    It is worth mentioning that if your home is not made of wood, stone and plaster you are likely a Satanist. Wood, stone, and plaster are the only materials that should be used to build a house, and if you deny this you might as well be sticking your twiddle rompus in your own mouth parts. Stucco is heathen science made of Satan’s sin juice.

    If the mildew appears a second time, the priest will come and say, “This house is unclean. It’s covered with mildew that can’t be removed.” Then he will have the house torn down and every bit of wood, stone, and plaster hauled off to an unclean place outside the town. Meanwhile, if any of you entered the house while it was closed, you will be unclean until evening. And if you either slept or ate in the house, you must wash your clothes.

    If, following these instructions, you have to tear down your house and are looking for an “unclean place,” take your mildew-infected pieces and put them in a nearby town’s gay bar. The only socially useful aspect of gay bars and clubs is that they provide a place that is obviously unclean for procedures like this. Finally:

    On the other hand, if the priest discovers that mildew hasn’t reappeared after the house was newly plastered, he will say, ” This house is clean–the mildew has gone.” Then, to show that the house is now clean, he will get two birds, a stick of cedar wood, a piece of red yarn, and a branch from a hyssop plant and bring them to the house. He will kill one of the birds over a clay pot of spring water and let its blood drain into the pot. Then he will dip the cedar, the hyssop, the yarn, and the other bird into the mixture of blood and water. Next, he will sprinkle the house seven times with the mixture, then the house will be completely clean. Finally, he will release the bird and let it fly away, ending the ceremony for purifying the house.

    I can say from my experience at these mildew-purifying ceremonies that they are some of the most holy rites I have ever partaken in. They leave all involved with a feeling of being closer to the Lord. Watching the blood drain out of the first bird is an especially beautiful and invigorating experience. I often take video of my priest killing this bird in order to preserve this memory for myself. I currently have in my video library over thirty birds being killed and their blood being drained into pots. The bird that is released is kind of fun to watch too.

    This tradition is a very clear and good Christian one, and the Bible goes to great pains to show us how to engage in it. Yet, a Bing search forhow to remove mildew shows over three million results, absolutely none of which are the holy answers contained in Leviticus! For shame! Many of these evil sites even recommend sinful evil science measures like the use of baking soda and vinegar. Need I remind you that baking soda and vinegar is used by heathen atheist scientists to play God, and pretend like they have the knowledge of what makes volcanoes?

    Is there baking soda under real life volcanoes? Of course not, that would be ridiculous! There is nothing that man can do that equals the glory of God, and nothing man can do to understand the glory of God. Stop making a mockery of God’s great wonders by building these sin science projects. And stop encouraging others to fix mildew with them too. There is only one way to fix mildew and it is the way the Lord has prescribed.

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    About The Author
    Cool Tom Kimbo I am a Youth Minister trying very hard to show children that God is more awesome than sin docking and rap.

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