What’s that smell? Well, it’s June so gay is in the air, my friends. Are you ready?
This is the month used by many sick, unrepentant homosexuals to flounce and stomp about our God-fearing heterosexual streets in the name of celebrating LGBTQ Pride. While many God-loving countries such as Iran rightfully ban perverse displays of same sex sin, our great United States of America lags behind the rest of the righteous world in restricting peaceful freedoms of assembly. Until filthy Shame Parades can be banned in our country, we will have to know how to deal with them. Here are some survival tips if a Pride Parade rapes your town’s Main Street this summer:
Bring plenty of bibles, church flyers and pamphlets. Stopping the spread of homosexuality is more important than feeding the hungry, helping the terminally ill transition peacefully, providing clean water to developing regions and ending war–COMBINED. So please know that every moment used to preach God’s love to queer heathens, drunk on pride, lust and sunshine, is a moment that truly could not be put to better use in any other corner of God’s Blessed Creation. It is your duty to attend and spread just a few of God’s words.
Use earplugs and wear breathable fabrics. Blaringly hypnotic house and techno dance music is customarily played at gay gatherings. Scientists believe the elevated tempo of electronic club music acts to facilitate dance more than any other music in existence. This is true for men and women. Through dance, sweat production is increased. Because of this increased perspiration, pheromone release can reach dangerously abnormal levels. Consequently, these chemical signals designed by our Lord (to arouse only heterosexuals only for the use of procreation and never to enjoy the flesh he has given you for any reason but being fruitful) go completely haywire. By wearing earplugs, you will prevent yourself from falling victim to the pulsating rhythms of eternal damnation. To further prevent the emission of your body’s hormonal sin signals, dress in gauzy, flowing fabrics that will keep your skin cooler. Drink plenty of water to dilute your sweat.
Do not eat or use anything that is thrown to you from a float. Queers on parade floats will sometimes throw candy and other treats to the crowd. Why? Because kids love candy and all homosexuals are pederasts. Like Catholic priests, older homosexual males like to place wafers and candies in children’s mouths to prepare them for oral sins. Sometimes condoms and dental dams are thrown from floats. These are not passed out to encourage safer sex and promote healthier lifestyles. Rather, the annual casting forth of prophylactics from Pride floats is a ritual symbolizing the queer community’s disregard for God’s plan of traditional marriage and childrearing. These are facts.
Know the symbols they use. The rainbow flag will figure prominently at most pride celebrations. According to crazed propagandists, the rainbow flag is meant to symbolize the diversity and strength of the queer community and their experience. Further, each color in the rainbow flag supposedly represents a positive life force: orange is associated with inner peace, green with nature, blue with unity, etc. In reality, the rainbow flag is a surreptitious homage to the handkerchief code, long used by male homosexuals to engage in immoral sexual activity. The yellow indicates interest in urination for sexual arousal, red represents initiation in sadomasochism and bondage, purple is associated with asphyxiation, orange is used to solicit Mexican farm workers, green signals a liking for swamp and marshland cruising, and blue is the color used by to so-called Inkies: homosexuals that derive sexual satisfaction from drawing penises on passed out drunks with blue ball point pens–or those who derive pleasure from getting drunk and being drawn on.
Be vigilant. Once the parade is over, do not fool yourself into thinking your job protecting your family is done. The effects of exposure to high volumes of homosexuals can manifest themselves over time. Continue to monitor your family closely. If you notice your son taking an interest in sequins, your daughter playing sports, or your spouse interested in anything other than missionary position sex consult your pastor immediately! You can never be too safe.
Have a blessed day!