• The Masturbatorium: A sordid view of the after-hours nerd

    June 20, 2011 6:33 pm 121 comments
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  • This is an expose into the dark seedy underbelly of American Nerdism, a story of horror and disgust, and I hope a strong warning about the possible future of much of today’s youth.


    God blessed woman with the over powering urge to mate with the “biggest and best”, within the confines of marriage of course. That is why throughout the ages you see women with the Gladiator, Emperor, Warrior, Brave African Missionary or High School quarterback. That is why in the Renaissance age effeminate poets had to create romance to get women into their bed chambers. Throughout human history less manly “men” have been left out. One of those austacised groups were the nerds. They are usually to busy following scientific concepts such as Evolution and the Big Bang Theory, or the collection of Japanime and childrens toys to bother with women.

    Nerds as a procreative group were largely ignored until the 1940’s when their scientific theories proved useful in WWII. Once the Japs tasted the burn of American power Oppenheimer and his type were transformed into sexy American heroes, over night. These men made it big, big house, big cars, and women. These “men” who’s fame was paid for by real men in Germany and Iwojima, were swimming in promiscuous girls. As the age of the hippies dawned, and American Nukes were less popular so were the nerds who made them.

    typical modern young nerd

    In the 80’s the computer age made the nerds popular again. Their copious amounts of cash led to Lamborghinis, Mansions, and women. That money also bought media outlets to further popularize their type. Today nerds are still popular and spreading, they are on TV, Movies and Music. They even have huge nerd conventions all over the country through out the year.


    A few weeks ago, one of the ladies from my Sunday Bible Study Class, wanted to talk to me privately. It seems that her eldest son was laid off from work, as his job was out sourced to India. He begged her to let him move back in. As she had redecorated his room as a knitting room she told him he could move in to the basement if he cleaned it out.

    She told me that her useless keepsakes of the past were thrown away to make room for his collection of thousands and thousands of dollars worth of Star Wars, Star trek, Transformers, G.I. Joe and He-Man toys as well as an over powering amount of Japanime porno filth. She asked me to come over and see what she had to deal with. She was hoping for some way to have an intervention, to get rid of these sinful childish toys and to become a real man. I finally relented.

    typical nerd toy over indulgence


    AS I walked into the basement I was overcome by the smell of bleach. She apologized but said that she did not understand the smell, as he never cleaned his own clothes. I smiled and nodded as I knew it was not really the smell of bleach, rather it was the sinful smell of spilt male procreative juices. A whiff of the trash can nearest his computer affirmed my fears. Having dealt with several grandsons coming to visit for the summer, over the last decade, I knew the Computer is the modern storage pit for today’s sinful men.

    I cracked the Apple lap top open (Apple products are another sign of the of sin disease) and a video folder full of young Japanese girls fornicating with each other, was minimized. I closed it and continued the tour. There were many bookcases housing countless toys from the 1980’s, a decade that saw the greatest Presidency ever, but was also sullied with the popularization of many homosexual toys such as G.I. Joe, He Man, She-ra, My Little Pony and worse, Rainbow Bright. These toys were carefully posed many in sexual positions.

    A blasphemous shrine to Star Wars “You shall place no images before me”- GOD

    I can assure you the nerds are disgusting social outcasts, the things they pleasure theirselves to in their mastubatoriums are unspeakable.

    A nerd has lured a woman (all be it unattractive) back to his den. Will she ever be heard from again?

    Next we see computer games, World of Warcraft on the computer and a Play Station 3, an X-box, and a Wii, all cyber purveyors of smut. These dangerous video games teach children to become killing machines, and crime lords. Not to mention all of the gay imagery. Latent homosexual imagery is everywhere to be found in these video games. This has been written about MANY times on christwire.

    This nerd is preparing to self fornicate after a challenging game of Portal 2 on the Wii

    Of course there were posters on the wall, of anime and of movies, many in sexually suggestive poses. There were boxes upon boxes of comic books, all hygienically wrapped in unmolested wrappings. Why buy them if your not going to read them? Speaking of comic books there were T-shirts thrown haphazardly around everywhere. Everyone of the shirts had a comic book figure, toy or video game thing on them! Where were his button down shirts and slacks? How can he expect to get another job dressed like a bum? Is he waiting for his mother to die so he can get the house and buy more filth to fill it up with?


    The favored mastorbatory aid of the nerd self fornicator is underage Japanese girls. This imagery is every where. It is found in their toys, posters and pornography. Secondary aids are based on Comic book and sci-fi themes, then there are video games based themes.

    a typical anime porn found at a nerds den

    Before our mullato President Obama destroyed our American economy, many nerds had high paying jobs in the technology sector. Many used this money to purchase prostitutes and sex slaves from Saudi Arabian Oil magnets, to dress in provocative nerd friendly clothing. Sometimes the mythical female nerd comes out of hiding to try to lure a mate from his sin den into her awaiting sin pit. Such matings have never been seen in the “wild” but are rumored to happen often at nerd conventions.

    What is she even supposed to be? If it were a guy I would say it was a gay pirate


    Male nerds have fantasized about girl nerds since the beginning of time, but it wasn’t until the 90s when nerds had lots of money that women started to notice. It is even rumored that Bill Gates (founder of Microsoft and King Nerd) funded female nerd cloning research in the early late 90’s. Either way they have become more common placed. Usually they go out in public incognito, as if to stay out of the light, much like a twilight vampire, but they come out at nerd conventions. Many think that it is cheap ungodly women just looking to snag a wealthy nerd so that she can marry him and then divorce him in a year or two and take half his money and toys which she can then sale on ebay for money, or shoes.

    This Star Trek borg queen wants to assimilate your toy collection and sell it on ebay for a prada purse

    Whatever this phenomenon is, it is becoming more common place as many christwire articles have been published warning us of these sci-fi whorelots spreading scantily clad pictures on the internet, much like Senator Wiener. But do these women have any hopes of snagging a man nerd when he is used to self fornicating to underage Japanese girls or buxom ogre wenches?


    “Are you going to the Con this year?” Those are the typical code words that you hear spoken by the nerd to other nerds. To many who have not researched this supposed “life style” these words mean little, but to the nerd in the know a valuable message has been passed along. “I am a nerd, are you a nerd? Would you like to meet up to have a gang bang with under aged Japanese girls at our nerd convention?

    comic conventions allow nerds to interact and feel comfortable around like minded perverts

    Many people know that prostitutes like to frequent conventions, as married business men out of town for the weekend are desperate to forget their domestic partners at home…the WIFE, who cooks and cleans for him, raises the children, washes his shirts, gets him up for work in the morning and forgoes watching her own choice in TV on the weekends, as he has to watch homoerotic sports. Nerds are no different…except they are single. As they have no loving wife at home to sate their perverse urges, prostitution is rampant at these meetings.

    As stated earlier, many of the very wealthy nerds participate in prostitution, and even slavery. In December of 2000, a computer engineer from Microsoft was asked by the King of Saudi Arabia to come and help get their Windows ME based computer system up and running properly. After the engineer finished the Sultan was so happy he provided the nerd with his choice of sex slave from his harem. The nerd flew back to Washington State with his new whorelot and a new nerd fad was born. Every year, at nerd conventions across the United States there is an underground slave trade as wealthy nerds have become tired and want new variety in their perverse sex lives.

    Other men bring in hundreds of underage Japanese Girls to whore out to horny nerd boys and men. Usually they trade sex for money but often times there will also be barter involved as the nerd will offer a mint condition unopened toy in return for the physical relations. In my research I learned that last year at Dragoncon (an Atlanta based nerd convention) one nerd bought two underaged Jap girls for the weekend in return for something called a “G1 mint condition Diaclone Ultra Magnus in unopened box with styrofoam inserts”. That description of the toy alone almost sounds as disgusting as the act of fornication with underaged girls!

    This dirty Whorelot is pretending to be one of the boys as a Star Wars Cloud Trooper

    Many other nerds will have all night sessions of computer game play, as large groups of nerds will fill motel rooms and play all night on the game consoles. Many of these games have homosexual content and eventually and often lead to play with the sinful aroused sin sticks of fellow nerds. I also hear that there is a large increase of violence as the violent themes of many of the games lead the horny nerd men (or fanboys) to live out fantasies of car jacking and killing of prostitutes, after having sinful relations with them. These horrid actions are usually in conjunction with alcohol and drug abuse. After a night of hearing about the latest anime to come to our shores, slutty girl nerds trying to get into your pants and wallets, and wanton videogame abuse as well as drug use who can blame these reckless nerds for their all night video game and violence filled orgies.

    Another danger is known as cosplay, in which participants dress as their favorite characters, usually “drawn from popular fiction in Japan” and act out their inner selfish fantasies, often leading to mass orgies of Batman on Superman on Wolverine nerd action. Many of these people are what are known as furries. Furries are people who dress as animals or mascots, often as a sexual fetish. From what I have learned many times these furries will meet in a large hotel room and have unbridled fornication parties or orgies. As the people are dressed as animals and keep their costumes on, you do not know if the sin hole you are fornicating in belongs to a male of female, or whether they are attractive or not!

    Shows such as CBS’ Big Bang Theory popularize acceptance of the nerd lifestyle


    It isn’t really known when the first nerd emerged, their past is shrouded in history much like the ancient vampire menace Vlad Dracul. But as stated earlier we can look back to the Renaissance period where men had to create poetry to get into the ruffled skirts of the women of the day. We flash forward to Scientific artists such as Leonardo Da Vinci, and Isacc Newton, then to our own country. Benjamin Franklin is widely known as a statesmen, scientist and founding father. He is also known as a sexual deviant pervert and a nerd. There are other nerds in our history. But none of renown until the 1940’s. The final World War and the Cold War ushered in the golden age of the nerd.

    But in the 1960’s, peace loving hippies wanted to make love not war, and they chose to not make love to nerds. This drove nerds into hiding until the 1980’s when computers made them wealthy. The fame and fortune brought hussies from far and wide, who were willing to fornicate for a new Mercedes. This age of the nerd will seemingly not end. Nerds have used their wealth and power to reinforce the supposed “coolness” of theirselves.

    Nerds are now to be found everywhere. On TV, film, print and of course the original nerd domain…the internet.

    The Sci-Fi Channel, a cable network was launched on September 24, 1992. It is now known as SyFy, but it has been responsible for bringing nerd entertainment to the masses for almost 2 decades, and is probably more responsible for turning wonderful christian males into deviant sex act loving nerds than anything else. Although the networks bread and butter were originally science fiction shows it has eased its way into the buttocks of even worse entertainment. WWE’s brand of latent homosexual wrestling and twink abuse has been on the network for several years. They have also spread into “reality programing”. The only reality to reality shows are that they debase human views, turning their minds into mush that is more easily controlled by the mega-corporations, which in turn are controlled by?
    NERDS! You guessed it.

    Other media

    Nerds have their own magazines

    They even have their own movie franchise

    Yet another TV show dedicated to nerds and toys

    So, we come full circle. Now that I have shown you why the life style of a nerd is wrong and sinful it is time to do something about it. My friend from church (who’s name I will not use to protect her identity), called one of her daughters and got her to convince her live-in son to come to visit for the weekend. We have hired a small local moving service to move his nerd collection into their truck. We have contacted the Marines about their “Toys for Tots” program and will be stopping at the local recruitment office to make a drop off. The toys will then “live” as God intended them to, cherished by a poor child until it is torn apart or broken and thrown into the trash, or later given to the GoodWill.

    Now obviously, there is much that we can not and will not donate to children. Sinful Japanese toys or images of half naked women are NOT acceptable to be given away to unexpecting souls, who may later come to think fornicative thoughts about them. These items will be thrown away. Before you sinful nerds out there ask, we will not be telling you which dumpster they will be dumped in. This smut is going back to hell where it belongs!

    I will be updating you on the status of the nerd man’s soul that we will be saving in the comments below, so please bookmark this page and come back often to check the progress of his new path to salvation. Amen.

    As usual, God Bless
    If you have any questions, on nerds, or how you can help save a nerds soul, please ask me here or contact me on facebook.

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    About The Author
    Susan B. Xenu Although over 80 years old, she is still a woman of unparalleled intellect and passion. She brings her spiritual fire to every aspect of her life. A widow, she lives in Atlanta, Ga and has been active in her church for over seven decades! "Sister Susan" has been a popular Christian author for over 30 years. She has written numerous books on the bible, as well as for Christwire and her own blog. She will soon be launching NewsOfChrist.com with friend, and pastor Chuck D. Finley. She loves hearing from fans, add her on Facebook or Twitter.

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