You may be wondering if a zombie attack is a Christian ideal. Of course it isn’t. Such a thing could only be caused by homogay scientists and their crazy witchcraft. In the case of such a blasphemy, staunch conservatives must remember that most, if not all, of the infected will be liberals and poor people. This is good because it won’t take much to rebuild society afterwards.
How could it happen?
Atheist Anti-Christ-scientists are always dabbling in witchcraft. For years they have been trying to create soulless man-beasts only to be stopped by the conservative right’s blockage of stem cell research. Satan compels them, however, and if we keep voting liberals into the White House then eventually they will push their agenda and its only a matter of time before undead demons roam the streets trying to eat Christians.
The Bible warns us of this possibility. Leviticus discusses it briefly, and so does the book of Ezekiel. Satan may try to create demons by using Anti-Christ-scientists as tools to spread him in the form of a zombie virus. In this scenario good Christians need to know how to protect themselves and their flocks, lest you become nothing more than a soulless drone under the control of Beelzebub himself.
How To Survive
The first thing you must do is find a church. God will strike a science-spawned demon down if he tries to enter one. But you have to make sure it is a real church. Catholics and Mormons and Mennonites aren’t real Christians. They live in sin, and their churches will be overrun and the congregation eaten. As much as it pains me to say that this is not a direct result of the wrath of God, it is Satan’s warriors that will eat their faces off because they were not strong enough in the Word.
I don’t have to mention that you may need guns. Good Christian conservative Americans have plenty of those. It is the liberals who will be caught with their gun control laws and either eaten or turned. I suspect that then staff of Fox News might have to blow the faces off the entire crew at MSNBC. Ditto with the terrorists at Al Jeezara. Any and all non Christian people should be segregated right away and delivered to God if they get bitten. They can’t be trusted they are the people who got us into this mess in the first place.
You should also steer clear of poorer neighborhoods as the hygiene there is often bad and will no doubt lead to an acceleration in the spread of the Satan. Unless a minority is well groomed and dressed in unflashy clothes you may not want to let him in the safety of your group because he is probably already infected. It is best to stay within your tax bracket when finding a church to hole up in. Satan comes in many forms and even during a zombie attack he is not always a demon. Atheists should be segregated for the same reasons.
Another thing to be wary of is the homogay neighborhoods, although many of them live in hiding amongst us already. Surely the virus will be able to be spread anally and the homogays will do their part for Satan by trying to rape everything that walks. Even your beloved Christian dog may become a target. Nothing is safe with these monsters around and it would probably be best if San Fransisco and Omaha, which are well known for their underground gay communities, get wiped off the map altogether.
Feminists will probably side with the zombies just to spite us. Atheists will and will call it ‘evolution’. Liberals will probably try to go as far as to demand rights for the undead. Christians can just wait it out, they will all be infected soon. Most of them will probably eat each other. The ones that don’t we will have to put out of their misery. It’s not like your killing a person or anything, cause Christians don’t do that. Their soul will already be in Hell, only their Earthly body will be attacking you, so it is ok to use proper force in their disposal by taking out the heads and burning the bodies.
No doubt the rest of the heathen world will be wiped out but that’s ok because America never really needed them anyways. The Earth will become the United States Of America Earth. Andrew Wilkow, who will no doubt survive with great courage and bravery, will have the only radio show left because Rush Limbaugh was soft on homogays and got eaten by them. Fox News will dominate the media with fair and balanced news and we would get no more of the liberal slant of the MSNBC crew that turned to zombies and ate each other. Homogays will probably all be eaten too, as will the Mexicans.
When all is done America and Jesus will triumph and the Anti-Christ-scientists will only be sealing their own doom by creating their evil Satan zombie virus. Logically, the only ones that will survive are American conservative Christians. Scientists should head the warning the Bible gives us that they are evil Satan mongers. If they don’t we may just have to slay liberal zombies.