Your Guide to Female Puberty, by a Christian Man
The female reproductive cycle is a mysterious beast, one born within women after Eve fornicated with Satan’s scepter in the garden of Eden. With her body defiled and after tricking Adam to eat of the forbidden fruit, God had no choice but to allow women to suffer for the majority of their life with cramps, but with this, came also the residue of Satanic influence upon the realized sexuality of every woman.
One of the greatest threats to every young man is a girl after she has hit puberty. Women can be deceptive. They will use their newly found sexuality to make illicit advances and force young men into sexual encounters, situations that will leave you confused, diseased and paying child support nine months later.
Following is a primer into female sexuality, the facts of which will be a lifesaver to any young men. Women are one the prowl and before marriage, can be a greater danger than even Satan himself. They will tease your dreams by night to cause nocturnal emissions of sticky shame, and by day, push you down and pin you under their thick, gyrating hips until you spill baby spattle into their ovens of helacious carnality. Boys, beware, the snaretrap of women is nigh.
WARNING: THE FOLLOWING VIDEO CONTAINS DEPICTIONS AND TERMS TO EXPLAIN FEMALE ANATOMY AND SEXUALITY. FATHERS, DEMAND YOUR WIFE/CHILDREN LEAVE THE ROOM BEFORE REVIEW AND LEAVE TIME FOR YOUR SON TO ASK ANY IMPORTANT QUESTIONS AFTER PRAYER. USE ONLY ‘LIGHT’ EUPHAMISM TO EXPLAIN THE CONTENT OF THIS VIDEO TO YOUR DAUGHTER, SO SHE MAY BETTER UNDERSTAND HER SEXUALITY.
httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0DX55uYQoaM
- Sinful
- Suspicious
- Scared
- Sad
- Amused
- Laughing Out Loud
Author: Dan Nordgren
Born and raised in upstate New York, Dan Nordgren is currently a film student who enjoys martial arts, mountain climbing and football as components of his very active life. Join Team Sarah TODAY
9:38 pm
R you for real? I mean if this is an Onion story it is funny … if it isn’t … you are fucking crazy…
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9:40 pm
“WARNING: THE FOLLOWING VIDEO CONTAINS DEPICTIONS AND TERMS TO EXPLAIN FEMALE ANATOMY AND SEXUALITY. FATHERS, DEMAND YOUR WIFE/CHILDREN LEAVE THE ROOM BEFORE REVIEW AND LEAVE TIME FOR YOUR SON TO ASK ANY IMPORTANT QUESTIONS AFTER PRAYER. USE ONLY ‘LIGHT’ EUPHAMISM TO EXPLAIN THE CONTENT OF THIS VIDEO TO YOUR DAUGHTER, SO SHE MAY BETTER UNDERSTAND HER SEXUALITY.”
That makes absolutely no sense. Why the fuck should women have to leave the room during a video on the FEMALE REPRODUCTIVE SYSTEM? And why should “light euphemism” be used to explain it to girls?
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10:43 pm
cuze wier stupids
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10:54 pm
speak for yourself
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11:23 am
Oh, she did, Shannon.
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11:30 am
LMAO!
That crazy lady stalks me like seriously, she told me how she clicked my name when to my twitter page, they checked my blog now she wants to see my facebook! Im kinda creeped out from her.
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5:51 am
god loves hussies and three legged turtles
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12:49 pm
Why not and further more, why are you watching this against when you were warned by the author to not do so?
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2:42 pm
“Why not and further more, why are you watching this against when you were warned by the author to not do so?”
Why should I heed such a bogus, sexist disclaimer?
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12:01 am
Claire, as a woman you are not qualified to watch this video. Please refrain from watching my documentaries.
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4:12 pm
And why, pray, are women not “qualified” not watch this?
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2:57 pm
You do realize you just told a woman, as well as reenforced the idea, that it’s a BAD THING to learn about her body. YOU JUST TOLD SOMEONE ITS BAD TO LEARN.
How DO you function? Clearly you deny all forms of knowledge and stick with a 2000 year old book that has long since been outdated.
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9:44 pm
No wonder all your men followers are so screwed up if this is your idea of sex ed!
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9:54 pm
Oh Dear! This is going to take so long to explain to Claire. Excellent information though, Brother Dan.
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10:22 pm
Dan, these are wonderful! Truly blessed videos, I will have all the children at my church watch them!
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10:47 pm
I think that whorelot at the end who pushed the boy into the alligator infested pond was my old friend LuLu Adams’ little sister Lee Ann. Funny story 3 years after this she got knocked up in college and had to drop out, to get married. As it turned out her baby had actually been fathered by a black man! In the husbands shame and rage he brutally murdered her with a brick.
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11:35 pm
I think I read about that in the Penny Miser.
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11:14 pm
Okay, isn’t the female body created by God?
And aren’t you supposed to explore and praise God’s creation?
And I find it scary that you wouldn’t tell your daughters about their own reproduction systems. Wouldn’t you think that they had a right to know what’s going on in their own bodies?
Also, the bias in the video is absolutely disgusting. God gave us free will, yes? And the goal of Christianity is to live in a Christ like way, yes? So theoretically, your “true” Christians should already be able to decide for themselves what is Christ like and what is not. Shouldn’t your main objective be to present information in an unbiased way so that people can decide to use and apply this information in a Christ like manner?
Of course, to be a true Christian you’d also have to not judge people. So I guess that you’re already screwed to begin with.
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8:31 am
Melanie, you’re awfully judgmental for someone who seems to claim Christianity…
Claire, the women have to leave because of all the offensive, sexist captions in the video, obviously.
And anyone who does not immediately recognize this as rife with parodic exaggeration of “Christian” values needs to hang his swim trunks out to dry and earn his girlfriend “an Obamacare supplement” by prodding her with his “Satan scepter.”
I’m gay, by the way, so none of this applies to me!
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8:45 am
I think she realizes that non christians should not be treated with the same respect and love as they deserve since god really doesn’t care about heathens. Only a non christian gay abomination with no real values would think this is a “parodic exaggeration” and have no concept of Gods plan for us. I thought it was very helpful as I have seen the grace and am now resisting my impure urges and very confused and scared about that type of stuff. Go God!
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9:20 am
Hi, Spanish Joseph. This one may be better for you:
http://christwire.org/2011/06/a-beginners-guide-to-healthy-male-sexuality-how-to-teach-your-son-about-puberty-psa/
If you are a gay, there is counseling out there that can still heal you and turn you normal.
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6:49 pm
Gay guys are awesome!
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12:03 am
Stop trying to get laid in my article, Meg.
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4:14 pm
Sure thing, Stewie.
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8:51 am
Whaaaahaaaahaaaaaa, what????
ARE YOU KIDDING ME???
This is what you teach your children?? Is this what your parents taught you???
Really??
Suddenly I completely understand why all your precious leaders of the church choose to rape little innocent children and then tell themselves it was god’s will….
I bet most of you have never even been with a woman to begin with. Sich ideas like this are the cause of the sick behaviour that apparently goes on in all churches across the world. During the last 6 months there have been more than 350 cases of severe (sexual) child abuse in churches all across Europe and the US!
And you can still honestly say stuff like this about women and sexuality????
Get help; the sooner the better!
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12:05 am
All of the things here are part of female sexuality. Notice how it colleges, the amount of men enrolled are 40% and women have reached an unprecedented 60%. A telling reason behind this is the lack of sexual education for young men in school these days, resulting in more being naive to the workings of women when in college. There is nothing more dangerous than a sorority girl in heat. Did you see the article on vajazzling that struck the nation’s campuses over the last year especially?
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12:55 am
So because there are more women than men in college, it’s the women’s fault? Explain how that makes sense? And somehow an occasional thing that some girls do with their cooch is enough for you guys to hit the panic button?
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2:31 am
Because boys are being forced into work at a young age. Look at the Palins for a case in point example.
Bristol Palin is off collecting child support checks while Levi is working hard and dealing with the guilt of being called a ‘dead beat’ father.
Bristol is in the meantime buying $250,000 homes in Arizona at the expense of Levi and is soon going to college on the taxpayer’s dollar.
Levi is left behind and forgotten, much like a vet from Vietnam. This is the cruel reality of the modern world. Heroes and men downtrodden, lazy bums and women getting all the government money and attention.
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2:45 am
“Because boys are being forced into work at a young age. Look at the Palins for a case in point example.
Bristol Palin is off collecting child support checks while Levi is working hard and dealing with the guilt of being called a ‘dead beat’ father.
Bristol is in the meantime buying $250,000 homes in Arizona at the expense of Levi and is soon going to college on the taxpayer’s dollar.
Levi is left behind and forgotten, much like a vet from Vietnam. This is the cruel reality of the modern world. Heroes and men downtrodden, lazy bums and women getting all the government money and attention.”
It’s also his fault for not wearing a condom or keeping it in his pants. You’re blaming her when it’s both of their faults that the shit’s going down the way it is.
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11:12 am
Uhhhhh…the fertilized egg attaches to the wall of the uterus and then develops. The sperm has no way of reaching the ovaries, and even if it did it couldn’t get inside of them to “incubate.” The egg has to forcibly burst out of the ovary when ovulation occurs.
Also, precisely where in the Bible does it state that Eve used a scepter to masturbate?
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12:12 am
MB, it seems you may be confused by the entire fertilization process. First, let’s break this down with a chart:
In the area where you see the implanted homonculus child having growth, the incubating area you see it within is the ‘ovarian sac’. This is what cramps women when they are having their period cycle and it is where the child grows, until it is ready for external emergence 9 months later. This is a child at about 3 weeks in my diagram. Does that help you a bit?
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12:26 am
What the hell is that supposed to be? I think you need to take a human anatomy class you might actually learn something
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12:52 am
That’s not a diagram or a chart, that’s a fucking picture. It only faintly resembles what a child looks like while growing inside of a uterus. Honestly it looks more like some kind of space ship or something, what with the right side of it looking like a wing of one.
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2:29 am
It looks perfectly fine to me. If you cannot tell what’s going on there, it is your problem. Kudos, Dan! Great work and you can tell these people are uncomfortable with their shoddy knowledge of how the woman works.
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2:46 am
You’re a doctor, how often have you seen this flap that Dan goes on about? Obviously you wouldn’t have been able to get your degree if you followed the knowledge that’s long-since ancient, so you must’ve seen it at some point, right?
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3:08 pm
LN, stop trying to change the subject. All I can say it is the responsibility of the public to be educated and Dan is doing a fine job of instructing people on a way to think. It is good for fathers to teach this to their sons so that they will know female sexual anatomy is mysterious and scary, something they should not jump into until they truly understand its inner-workings or are married and already have a very successful career. If I am blessed with sons, I will be definitely scaring them up a bit and not have them blindly and wildly diving into the seductive female before they are successful in line.
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5:17 pm
I pity any patient of yours who is female. Wait, scratch that, I pity any patient of yours regardless of gender, religion, race, or sexual orientation.
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11:34 am
I certainly do hope that you are NOT a gynecologist, Mr. Nelson. If you are, then some poor, unfortunate women are getting some REALLY screwed up ideas of how their bodies work.
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2:40 pm
“All I can say it is the responsibility of the public to be educated and Dan is doing a fine job of instructing people on a way to think.”
No he’s not, he’s doing a terrible job. Hell, your own education should prove that what Dan says is just a bunch of bullshit, especially considering how you’ve said that you’ve helped deliver children before, you know how the process works, yet you will still insist that an outdated book is more knowledgeable than modern science.
“It is good for fathers to teach this to their sons so that they will know female sexual anatomy is mysterious and scary, something they should not jump into until they truly understand its inner-workings or are married and already have a very successful career.”
Half right, it’s good for kids in general to know what the hell is up with their bodies as they grow older. Otherwise, they might do something stupid or freak out beyond what’s necessary. However, this video, or at least what’s been added to it and what Dan talks about, are wrong.
“If I am blessed with sons, I will be definitely scaring them up a bit and not have them blindly and wildly diving into the seductive female before they are successful in line.”
Then they’re going to be dumb and go ‘oh, it can’t happen to me’ and then you’ll be a grandpa before you know it because they learned from you to just fuck blindly and bank on your success, without realizing the repercussions such acts have.
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4:45 pm
In the confines of work, I am always straight with my patients. Seminars and clinics outside of work and with no medical affiliation, I do not see the problem in…embellishing a bit so that kids don’t run off and fornicate, get pregnant or catch disease. In this case, the ends justify the means and we are keeping them safe with a bit a psychological fibbing. No big deal.
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4:27 pm
1. There is no such thing as a “homonculus”
2. There is no such thing as an “ovarian sac” – they are called the ovaries, and they are where the eggs (ova) are produced
3. Cramps are caused by the uterus contracting to expel the uterine tissue that built up in preparation for receiving a fertilized egg – the reason it’s being expelled is because the egg WASN’T fertilized and the thickened uterine lining is thus not needed
4. The child grows in the uterus (womb). Here’s what happens during the creation of a child:
a. An egg is released by one of the ovaries and into the fallopian tube – this is called ovulation
b. If unprotected intercourse occurs and the man ejaculates inside the female, the sperm swim through the vagina, through the cervix, into the womb, where one meets up with and fertilizes the waiting egg in the fallopian tube
c. the fertilized egg continues down into the uterus where it implants in the thickened lining (in case fertilization does NOT take place, this lining is expelled from the vagina as a menstrual period)
Seriously dude, I’m WAY more qualified to talk about this than you are, Mr. Film Student. For one, I’m a female who’s had a working knowledge of my reproductive system since I was 13, due to the diagnoses of several disorders. For two, I’m a Certified Nursing Assistant and thus have a good understanding of all of the bodily systems and their functions. I’m also a vet tech student who has taken numerous classes on mammalian anatomy and biology. Have you ever clamped a dog’s ovary while the vet spays her? No? Didn’t think so.
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11:32 am
Claire, I think Brother Dan’s video proves that you have no idea what you are talking about. Do you have video proof? No? Then just let the men talk here. Thanks sweetie, Love you.
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11:40 am
Okay Bruce, you want “men” to talk here? Then Brother Dan shouldn’t have taken on a subject that is about WOMEN. I could make a “documentary” also. The difference is I would make it on a subject that I was knowledgeable in, unlike Brother Dan.
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2:30 pm
Bruce, shut the fuck up. You don’t know what the hell you’re talking about.
Oh, and I now need “video proof” of things that are basic knowledge?
You’re lucky we’re not married, because if we were your penis would be severed and tossed into the woods by the highway before you could say “Lorena Bobbitt”.
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5:42 am
thats not even a real uterus dummy
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6:45 pm
this website is seriously funny. is there a bet at the office for how many people “Actually” take you seriously?
i’d be happy to build you a bar graph that shows “outrage”. obviously the higher, the funnier the article no?
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6:50 pm
the description of fornication docking is quite possibly the funniest shit i’ve read.
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7:38 pm
you lost me on the by a Christian part
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9:09 pm
Yes, sure, because every young woman wants to lay with any male she finds, to have babies that they can’t afford to feed and educate and to look like a real slut. I think that the prejudices of today’s society are more than enough to keep girls from getting pregnant at a young age.
Also, I don’t think you are the one to talk about female puberty, since you’re not a woman nor a gynecologist. Puberty is a stage in which many changes occur both physically and psychologically. It’s the time when young men and women bloom and realize that they’re now physically adults, though their minds are still innocent. I think the best way of instructing the young ones about this subject isn’t to traumatize them by showing them a definition of ‘puberty’ that’s tainted with so many prejudices but to teach them what is happenning/will happen with their bodies. Tell them the truth and don’t use euphemisms. Let your words be as clear and refreshing as water, and let them flow like it. Make sure they have no doubts and aren’t afraid about the subject, and, if they have any doubts, show them you’re reliable enough for them to tell you what troubles them.
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12:18 am
How many single mothers are there (especially in the Afro Saxons grouping as I have proven in this video)? The Mexicans are also in high number and it proves that women cannot resist pulling men into bed.
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12:50 am
“Those poor men! They have no self control, it’s all the women’s fault! They’re the ones flaunting their bodies around, they’re the ones asking for sex, they know that men can’t contain themselves! And then they go and leave the men, those men who probably even started to love those women to marry! It’s not like men can’t restrain themselves or it’s sometimes a man’s fault that a woman is stuck with a child, no! It’s ALWAYS the women’s fault!”
Boo-fucking-hoo Dan, you know damn well that men are horny bastards and contribute a lot to the number of single mothers out there. More often than not, a guy will just go out and have some fun, and then the woman is left with a baby. Yeah, there are stupid women out there too, but there’s as many stupid men out there as well.
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3:33 pm
The term ‘single mother’ is used to describe a woman with children that lives on her own, and it is not neccessarily her fault – sometimes, men just do not want to take care of their spouses/girlfriends and leave them alone to raise and feed their child.
And, dear brother Dan, the human being is a sexual being, which means that the reproductive act is as neccessary as eating or sleeping – nobody can deny the need of being in company of the one they love, or the craving of pleasure. According to Freud, the human being’s actions are powered by the search of pleasure, which is strongly bound to the human’s sexual nature.
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4:48 pm
Freud is a terrible person to quote. Why would you want to teach your children that fornicating is good, Nogalina? That is just nasty.
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8:33 am
I am getting SERIOUSLY aroused here…hehehehhee…this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in years…KUDOS
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2:55 pm
Could Claire be a bigger idiot?
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3:03 pm
probably not
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10:38 am
This site is way better than the onion. I’m getting all of my satirical news from here from now on.
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