As most of you already know, the campaign to put Alex K Keating in the White House in 2012 has been in full swing lately, and I have been pounding the pavement, shaking hands, kissing babies (In a totally non-homogay way) and riding trains all over our great nation. Everywhere I go, I get the same question: “Alex, how are you going to respond to the bad things your opponents have been saying about you in the press?”
Let me first say this: I am not a mudslinger. I refuse to engage in dirty politics. This is an election for the people to decide, not some smokey back-room dwelling liberal beauracrats. I like to believe I represent the America that we all love, and that America does not engage in underhanded warfare. Our forefathers would not have agreed with it, and if they didn’t agree with something, you can bet Alex Keating doesn’t either.
Michelle Bachmann, as a fact of point, recently was rumored to have accused me of being soft on homogays. I would like to assure you, my constituants and supporters, that I am hard on homogays. So hard that they drop like faeries in the lou when they hear Keating is coming to town. I believe this is all smoke and mirrors to take away from the fact that Mrs. Bachmann is not at all what she seems.
A look at her background shows that her and her husband worked on Jimmy Carter’s presidential campaign. Yes, the liberal Jimmy Carter. She also opposed the great President Bush’s proposal to send more troops to Iraq. Then she introduced legislation to force otherwise decent light bulb manufactorers into following so-called ‘enviromental regulations’ that do nothing but further the liberal agenda of bigger government on our good and decent American Corporations.
I wasn’t fooled by Carter. I backed every move President Bush made. And for the record, I think enviromental regulations sounds a lot like something mr. Al Gore might introduce. Make your own conclusions of course, but as I see it she is a dirty liberal spy and has been as early as the 1970’s.
Mitt Romney was recently heard questioning my Christianity. This is rich coming from a Mormon, who as we all know, aren’t real Christians. I think his underwear may be cutting off the circulation to his brain. If you ask me, we shouldn’t even allow Mormons to run for office.
Taking a look at Mr. Romneys background we find all sorts of shortcomings. What he doesn’t want you to know is that he served as a Mormon missionary in France, our sworn enemies, where he learned vieled communism. As a businessman he worked for a hotel management consultant firm in Boston that owns many brothels. Brothels he used to sleep with young boys. Did I mention he was Mormon?
Personally, I have never been to France, and don’t plan on going. I can get all the French Toast I need right down the street at the good old American Ihop. I minister to the youths minds and hearts, not their anuses. Did I mention I was not Mormon?
Now we come to Sarah Palin. Ah yes, team Palin. Many of my fellow award winning journalists here at Christwire have still not been convinced that Palin is not the best choice. And recently, she accused me of going easy on the Mexicans.
First of all, Mrs. Palin is not a Christian as she would like you to believe. She was smote by the Lord for sin with a retarded baby. Her daughter is a fornicator. She often wears lowcut Jezebel dresses in hopes of enticing young Republicans to m themselves. All this on top of the fact that she actually brags about being able to see commie russians from her backyard.
I am a Christian. My unborn children are all Cornell material. I have never once shown cleavage in public, and if I could see commies from my backyard they would be dealt with accordingly. As far as her baseless accusations that I am weak on border patrol I only have two words for her; Electric fence.
Since it’s inception, this campaign has taken off and garnered support from many different demographics. Even some liberals have been browbeaten into conceding I am right and agreeing to vote for me. Glenn Beck was all set to endorse me when the Palin camp had blacked it out by having his show cancelled. Palin and Bachmann both work for the Tea Party, who despise and loathe me for exposing them as a liberal front organization.
We can’t do this alone, however. We need you, the reader and supporter of real America, to spread the word. Use your Facepage and Glitter accounts to help be browbeat my oppenents into giving up before it is too late. Offer to donate money to the Republican party on the sole condition that Keating gets the nomination. Most of all, pledge your vote to me and I will make America great again after I take over Canada and Europe and destroy those dirty North Koreans for good.
Keating 2012: The Only Sensible Choice