July 22, 2011 Fort Pierce, Florida – Jack Link’s Sasquatch Meat Media managers are in a tasty tizzy following the double serving of meaty mayhem served by child actor, Dougie Houser. Houser, who is listed as a Tennessee man on the court documents, is accused of taking a two fisted meat jerking discount at a local Fort Pierce grocer. Meat handling managers at Jack Link’s who have considered Houser as a spokesman for the popular Furious Sasquatch Meat Stick released a statement following the reports.
“This is a family business that has pursued the dream of providing tasty cured jerk meat to the world. We are saddened to hear of this extreme couponing trend. We invite everyone that loves jerking to visit our web site and play some Furious Sasquatch Meat Stick games. – Neil Enspread
Houser has made no public comment, but earlier tweeted, “I made some love stains – you’ll see.” Away from the limelight of Hollyweird, Dougie settled in the Great Smokey Mountains, where his unbending jerk appetite for furiously hot meat sticks and Yeti yank products was born.
Many people visiting Tennessee become addicted to jerking meat for themselves and others. The land of broad shouldered big men with big appetites, Tennessee natives are always welcoming to the wayward scruffy child actor with an appetite for delicious sausage and the company of mountain men of valor. A predominately faithful community, there are always volunteers ready to help provide home sexual recipes for thick meat sticks to the needy in Tennessee, whether it is in a secluded cabin or roadside stop.
This gracious side of Tennessee has given rise to those who protest the high cost of getting a mass produced meat jerk in other states. The Florida price for the thick meat was $8.54, a price that was deemed the wages of sin for Dougie as he was hauled off to the pokey. Protesters contend this price is too high for all Americans needing a good spicy jerk. Many from other states are joining the chorus for free, or at least reasonably priced, jerking for all!
The actor’s publicist, a burly German with a flair for the dramatic, tweeted the following statement: “A strong and secure man digests his experiences (deeds and misdeeds alike) just as he digests his meat, even when he has some bits to swallow.” This reporter could not find this in the Bible and must conclude it is some acting method nonsense.
A lot of people like the actor, who also appeared in other shows few watch or care about. He appeared in the timeless “The Wedding Dress”, a made for television documentary on the Ovary network, as a fabric elf that grants wishes for alien bridezons. He was also in that one scary movie where he played Dr. I. M. Hore because of some rights violation with using Houser as a name. That man is an all around entertainment center.