• Is Boost Mobile The New Fried Chicken of Cell Phones?

    July 26, 2011 4:47 pm 13 comments
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  • There used to be a point in time when cell phones were the tools of the working.  We would use these mobile devices to inform our boss if there was a traffic delaying us from getting to work on time.  We could give the wife a quick call to see if she needed any more ingredients from the store for supper.   If little Johnny and Susy were taking too long to get back from that high school basketball game, one simple call could assure us parents that they were fine  and safe, that the game had just gone into overtime.

    But somewhere along the line, cell phone companies started demographic marketing.  Teenager-style phones have become little mystery devices of numerous touch-pad buttons, where our teen’s teeny hands blur over the keys at wizard-like speeds.  They Facebook with each other and send nudie pictures behind our backs.  And while these phones are greatly disturbing to me as a parent, with passcodes to lock me out of prying into my child’s personal life, there is one cell phone that bugs me even more.  Boost mobile.

    Now in life, I’m guessing you’ve run across a black person who has got access to one of these phones.  Maybe it is a Stankiki in line with her dozen pickaninny running around, buying steak and shrimp on her government welfare food stamps credit card.  Stanshawn the thug will probably be somewhere with her, buying some cigarettes on the ‘cash side’ and someway, somehow, you will hear both of them loudly talking and laughing.   Not to each other, but a cell phone that looks advanced enough to be Borg technology.

    Look tough and proud, Stanshawn.  Why do black people need these blue tooth accessories?  It is not like they can take a minute from buying their welfare groceries and drinking melt liquors and sweet pies to work out their next drug deal or meet-up for a 3pm basketball game.  While the rest of us are trying to make it through the last push of the day with a 5 Hour Energy Drink, we have these people roaming the streets with all this fancy technology.

    Now there must be some sort of Obama secret, because Boost Mobile phones are in the pocket of every black person but yet their price for exceeds the GDP of the annual black household.  Boost Mobile has somehow become the fried chicken of cell phones.  But how?

    Obama claims he has an iPhone, but it is possible with the right case and intro screen to disguise a Boost Mobile phone to look like that of a white American’s ATT, Sprint, Verizon plan phone.  What is the draw of Boost Mobile and why do all blacks do anything they can to get one:  is it marketing, word of mouth advertising.  A government conspiracy?

    Investigation into this issue reveals it is actually all of the above.

    Why Do So Many Blacks Own Boost Mobile Cell Phones and Plans

    Boost Mobile offers its customers unlimited nationwide calling, texting and web use for $50.00.   There are no hidden fees and no contract to make you stuck in a two-year cycle of exploitation and misery.  Now such a plan would seem wise at first glance, with no opportunity for the company to bandit your wallet, but who would really expect black people to make such an informed decision.

    Let’s remember, it is a black man who is responsible for — as of August 2nd — making the United States Federal Government have no credit and broke.  Obama would give the US government an Obamacare free steaks and meals on the citizens card, but he’s already done that option and ran up a bill of $4 trillion dollars in 3 years. 

    1.  Walkie Talkie Feature

    Here on Boost Mobile’s add, we see a key feature that was crucial to their grassroots schema.  “Unlimited Walkie-talkie”  Now during childhood, everyone plays walkie-talkie and this is true even for blacks.  The Dollar General stores cell these products so black kids will get a walkie talkie set for every birthday and Christmas.

    As these black kids grow up and their parents cannot afford to buy them cell phones, these kids use their walkie-talkies to coordinate.  First it is innocent stuff for a black kid, like whose house they can go to find some proper grandmother made food and then a few years later, maybe where to meet-up for a game of basketball or hide from the cops, a game they see their fathers play all the time.

    Well it is only a matter of time before 63% of black males end up in gang violence, drugs or street pimping, so then their walkie-talkies become graduated to cell phone devices, to give them wider communication abilities.  But imagine how their hearts must skip a beat when they see a cell phone that allows them to communicate, and also relive the innocence of their childhood.  Boom.  With one worthless feature, Boost Mobile wins the heart of the most hardened thugs, who spread accolades of this ‘new great phone’ to all their family, even the innocent ones.

    2.  Busty White Women

    If there is a fried chicken of women for black people, it is those with white breasts.  Black men cannot resist the touch, taste or feel of a fair-skinned women.  You can even see Obama lapping his lips at Hillary’s backside or any white intern if you watch his speeches enough.  It just never fails.

    Obama makes it no secret that he’s got a Boost Mobile growing in his pocket.  If you look at where his suit parts at the pantline, a bulge appears and it’s making a one-way collect call dial to Sin City.  Notice the ability of a black man to make the ‘white guy’, Sarkozy in this case, feel the need to be hip.  What is that, Sarkozy?  Par-le vouz bootay? Hmmm? Sarkozy is taking note of Obama’s rump roast desires.

    Again, the lust of a black man to have a white woman is second to none.  Obama knows the camera is on him, but he cannot resist his genetic urge to taste of Grade A meat.  Note how even the communist Russian president is being moral and looking away:  he likely has an iPhone.

    Here is the infamous Hillary/Obama affair photo from early 2011.  The White House immediately intimidated US news organizations from holding this one, but European affiliates still host this and widely circulate it.  News of the World initially obtained this image from Michelle Obama’s bodyguard’s cell phone (who was doubling as a private investigator), and when they tried to publish the image this past month Obama unleashed rage and shut them down, with their top two ‘whistleblowers’ mysteriously coming up dead, so that Rupert Murdoch would look like he performed the classic Lifetime Movie CEO murders the whistleblowing underlings move.  But contraire, it was Obama trying to cover up this scandal.

    And we’ve seen it in the works.

    And of course the two most shocking of all which you can see here and here if you are brave enough.  But I digress and the point is made.  Even the greatest of black men desire nothing more than to nibble on Hillary Clinton’s earlobe and saturate her luscious lips with African kisses.  Even their greatest singers admit they cannot resist a twiddle rompus.  So who would Boost Mobile choose to feature in their commercials?

    A.  Rappers, the customer

    B.  White women fondling over even the nastiest guys, so the rappers above think they must have a quadruple chance of gang-banging Danica Patrick’s indy cup.

    So, the marketing is a success.  Just like with Godaddy, Boost Mobile uses women who can expose their bodies and drive a car very fast, and this turns black guys on and makes them buy the product due to the Mass Erect marketing schemes.

    3.  The Phone and Money

    This only leaves one thing:  how can black people afford to consistently pay $50 a month.  If it were for sweet pies or Swisher Sweets, we know that the payments would be made ahead of time in a double-stamped envelope full of crinkled up cash or money orders. 

    But how are we expecting blacks, the people who cannot even balance a budget of $14 trillion dollars GDP, to pay $50 a month on time for something like a cell phone.  Even if they did turn enough tricks or steal enough car radios, would they really spend that money on a bill or just blow it on dice and greasy foods in one night.  My guess is the latter, or you would see more black home owners and black churches in nice neighborhoods of proper tithers.

    It’s not racist but a simple social observation.  Did you know that the government is using your tax money to give black people free cell phones?

    Now that I smacked you off your liberal high horse with talks of your wallet, just look at this.  Apparently, Obama has sat up a pet-company named “Consumer Cellular” that allows ‘demographic minorities’ to get a free cell phone from the government.

    So while you are upset about feeding, housing and giving healthcare to the blacks, now you must live with the fact you are paying the loud-talking, gum smacking receptionist on her cell phone to talk to her baby daddy instead of simply letting you take care of your customer service issue.  What a viscious cycle.

    There must be a tie between Consumer Cellular and Boost Mobile, because now over 83% of blacks in America are estimated to have cell phones.  Over 89% of Consumer Cellular’s customers are black and when you factor in that 16% of black people are actually successful and work as lawyers, doctors and such, the number crunch shows virtual identical statistics between Consumer Cellular’s customer base and number of poor blacks who somehow have cell phones.

    And if you were to scratch off the brand and just look at the mechanics of every Consumer Cellular phone, you would realize it is a Boost Mobile in hiding.  Obama has somehow funded a scheme to get us to give every black person a Boost Mobile phone with nationwide secret, coded “Walkie Talkie” features.

    Now there was once a man named Manson who believed in Helter Skelter theory.  The theory held one day all the blacks would arise and beat everyone up, then make us look like Africa.  How could a Black Uprising like this be done.  During the antebellum war years, black uprisings were frequent but lacked organization, naturally.  But if these slaves had walkie-talkies, proper cell phones and unlimited cell phone plans, what could we expect to happen?

    It is terrifying and we are seeing it play out today.  I’ve interrogated black interns in the ChristWire network and had them order some of these phones.  It is featured with “Mochaspace”, like a Myspace or Facebook for proven blacks only (they make you do a genetic test kit before giving you an account) and other shortcuts on the phone, such as GPS for nearest malt liquor and built in ‘fuzz buster’ that automatically detects police walkie-talkies, cb radio frequencies and laser speed traps.

    The phones also come with Al Sharpton and Jessie Jackson’s offices automatically set for predial, with the blacks only having to yell a pre-given vocal command to automatically send audio and video feeds to Sharpton and Jackson’s offices, YouTube, Mochaspace and Ebonyspace, a black version of Youtube only available through Boost Mobile.

    So now we see why Boost Mobile is the new fried chicken of blacks.  Let’s just hope the sinister side of things is undercooked and not consumed by the community at large.

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    About The Author
    Charles Atchison Subscribing to a policy of tough resolve and strong work, Charles Atchison is an premier journalist of humble Mississippi beginnings. When not writing, Charles enjoys flyfishing and is a locally reknown Ventude method chiaroscurist.

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