New Mexican Eating Whalesharks To Help Curb Illegal Population
Shocking new technology produced in a three-way joint project between the US military, US Immigration and Customs Enforcement, and the Border Patrol Agency has Mexican officials up in arms. Above, we see the fruits of ‘Project Jonah’, a wonder of useful genetic engineering aimed to create a sea creature keened on preying upon one animal: Mexicans.
Costing a mere $18 million in development, local sources in Mexico claim these creatures were being airdropped early Friday via huge nets into the Gulf of California and the Gulf of Mexico. With heavier deployment of more traditional Mexican deterrents, namely skilled Texans with shotguns who yell “La Migra! La Migra!”, which uniformly terrifies a gaggle of flocking Mexicans, around the Rio Grande river, of late a steady airstream of burrito-scented illegals were caught improperly migrating to the US via the Gulf of Mexico and the Gulf of California, which both belong to America.
The map above shows data obtained by US spectral analysis. Note that in the new ‘traditional’ path used by sneaking Mexicans, a direct launching point near Matamoros has Mexicans swimming and taking covered boat wagons into the Gulf of Mexico, where these whalesharks shall be awaiting. Only the luckiest and fastest of Mexicans will land on the outskirts of Houston, near Galveston, dripping wet and met with a nasty surprise of snarling dogs and border guards.Â
Another more prolonged path called the “Hasting’s cutoff” has already come to some popularity. With the tenacity of a field lemur and speed of a minxed coondog, we see Mexicans are defiantly meeting at the stolen city of Los Alamos. As Americans correctly believed in Manifest Destiny during the 1800s, there is a counter Mexifest Destiny teaching that spreads through Mexico like a poison plague for the mind.
Their elders are teaching lies and deceit to Mexican families, telling them that America is a land of plenty who will welcome Mexicans with open arms. They are telling these Mexicans that America belongs to them in the first place, when this is not true. America belongs to Americans, hence the name Saint Amerigo Vespucci gave to us when our nation was Christened in 1492.
The Hastings Cutoff, thought to be the brainchild of a Mexican tainted descendent of Lansford Hastings, has proven trechorous but this time in a splendid way. Using the mindless hyping and deceit skills of his ancestor for good, El Bueno Senor Hastings allegedly tricked Mexicans into taking a ‘safer’ and more patriotic shortcut from Los Alamos and across two ‘scenic’ gulf bodies. Fighting gulf’s full of angry genetically engineered whalesharks crafted to hunt down Mexican scents in the water, crossing two impoverished deserts, drug gang infested towns and finally trying to crawl into the ‘chocolate city’ of New Orleans has proven less than fruitful for many Mexicans. It has proven deadly. Along the path, there are horrible accounts of some traveling Mexican carivans already resorting to cannibalism.
In the image above, surveillance film captures a whale shark preparing to eat 3 sneaking Mexicans. Looks like yelping burritos were on the menu tonight.
While US officials have yet to comment on this new technology, scientists do confirm that the US government has invested in research first discovered by student researchers at Cal State Fullerton. The research detailed allegedly gives a way to ‘train’ a shark on scent by engineering its olfactory bulbs to produce faint scents for its targets, making the shark more prone and hungry for higher quantities of items that produce that scent. Much like a bloodhound given a scent, these new breeds of whalesharks are being born with a hankering for swimming Mexicans.
Already since time of report, illegal immigration numbers have decreased by 8% and reports of missing Mexicans has reached a nearly uniform 7.8%.
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Author: Abe
If you don't like what you just read here you can just get out of my country. Now how about that smart-alack.
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11:22 am
And once again the Lord’s bounty doth provide! Amen.
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11:24 am
What a really odd story. First, genetic engineering is finally being used for something moral and useful we can all agree on. And the Mexicans are finally helping the environment. What a win-win story and hopefully I can spot some of these beautiful creatures on my Mexican cruise coming up.
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11:28 am
So you hate Mexicans yet think you have the right to go for a cruise in their waters?
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11:38 am
It’s the Lord’s water, put there for the commonweal for us, his whitest of children.
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11:42 am
It technically is out water. Read up on the Monroe Doctrine.
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11:44 am
And it’s not like Mexicans use it for bathing anyway …
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11:48 am
Actually it’s the Mexicans’ water.
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11:52 am
Again, learn about the Monroe Doctrine. This hemisphere belongs to us.
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11:53 am
I’m sure they’d happily trade it for siesta blankets and some fire-water.
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11:53 am
This hemisphere belongs to us? I’m sure that all of the countries in Central and South America would beg to differ.
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11:55 am
We do not own a whole hemisphere.
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5:29 pm
“Actually it’s the Mexicans’ water.”
you cant drink salt water foolish girl.
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5:33 pm
“you cant drink salt water foolish girl.”
And what does that have to do with anything?
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11:37 am
I swear Abe is the craziest, redneck around here. You really should get a life and find something more productive to do.
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12:33 am
lets not call names
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11:49 am
I worry about the cholesterol in Mexicans.
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12:35 am
They are just whales, we can make more, don’t worry about their cholesterol from eating mexican.
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12:16 pm
Who really cares what the Central Americans have to say about anything? Really, when is the last time any of you watched a tv show or news program from a Central American country, to see their views?
This is an American hemisphere. It belongs to us.
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12:23 pm
Well, those of us who acknowledge the fact that Central Americans are HUMAN BEINGS care about what they have to say.
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12:28 pm
Adam what constitutes a person who should have rights to you? Cus it seem to me that you think there is like this exclusive club or something.
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12:28 pm
Americans have rights to our land and water in this instance.
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12:36 pm
Yea but what you have been saying is you think half the world belongs to us, and that’s just simply not true
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12:39 pm
The United States of America is our land. Not Canada, not Mexico, not Salvador, not Peru, not Ecuador. Need I continue?
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12:49 pm
We can dominate any of those lands with our military. One nuking would be enough to throw any of them to ruin, though Canada is so close firebombing or neutron bombs would be a better alternative.
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12:53 pm
Yes, the neutron bomb would be far more humane. We would need not rebuild any infrastructure or buildings that way.
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1:19 pm
Just because we CAN do something doesn’t mean that we SHOULD, moron. You are a very dangerous person, considering how you’re an ER doctor. I fear for the safety of each and every one of your patients (well, except for the white male Christian ones).
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1:30 pm
Adam, just because I can go out and kill someone, doesn’t mean I should or that I have the authority to do so. What I just said is a metaphor for exactly what you’re wanting to do, you’re wanting to just go out and kill people, just because we have a military force.
You’re a sociopath and a want-to-be murderer Adam.
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1:38 pm
You guys just do not get it. This is nothing personal, but looking out for my country. You see what happened when the Euros let Hitler just build-up and do what he wanted. Why is it the Germans tried to get the Mexicans to attack us in the first place?
Why is it that every nation is trying to slowly drain us, so that we willl not have the ability to defend ourselves?
We have to strike out and wipe out threat nations while we have the chance. Anything we can do to keep us strong must be done. If that involved genetically engineering whalesharks to develop a taste for meat and a scent for Mexicans, so be it.
What’s neat here is that one of my friends who was on a UN science council to recommend a new foodsource for New Zealanders who were starving, he suggested a vegetarian river pirhanna populous in the Amazon. He argued that these creatures had a high reproductive value and would not be predators, they bought it.
Now, the tribals there fear going in the water because without a natural predator, this fish grows up to nearly 3-4 feet in length, has human-like teeth and a taste for human flesh. Pigs and humans are mostly attacked there now by these things and I wonder if they used that study as inspiration for this new whaleshark. All in all it is fascinating and hopefully we have just as much success. Recombinant pig DNA was likely also used in the olfactory process, granted the similitary of our DNA (especially in muscle, squamous epithelial cells and secretions that are responsible for perceived taste and scent of flesh).
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1:43 pm
“What’s neat here is that one of my friends who was on a UN science council to recommend a new foodsource for New Zealanders who were starving, he suggested a vegetarian river pirhanna populous in the Amazon. He argued that these creatures had a high reproductive value and would not be predators, they bought it.
Now, the tribals there fear going in the water because without a natural predator, this fish grows up to nearly 3-4 feet in length, has human-like teeth and a taste for human flesh. Pigs and humans are mostly attacked there now by these things and I wonder if they used that study as inspiration for this new whaleshark. All in all it is fascinating and hopefully we have just as much success.”
So you’re applauding your friend for lying to the starving native New Zealanders and giving them a fish that would actually start killing them? We didn’t really need any more confirmation that you were a sick bastard, Adam, but thanks for telling us that story in case anybody had any doubts about your sadism.
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12:28 pm
Babies are also human beings but I don’t see you going out to poll their thoughts on the finer points of US interventionalist policy in Middle Eastern affairs. It’s because their opinion IS UNINFORMED AND DOES NOT MATTER. Central Americans still have tribal savages who think that lighters, cameras, mirrors and white skin is of magic.
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12:35 pm
I am a Central American, and I am better than you.
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12:37 pm
If you are a Central American, then whey do you call yourself “Godless Mexican”. I know you Mexicant’s and Central Americans cannot learn much of anything, but knowing your own geography would be a great start. Or perhaps that is the problem. Do they teach you guys to respect borders on maps?
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12:41 pm
“I’m not racist, I just think that Mexicans and Central Americans are stupid.” – Adam Nelson
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12:43 pm
You just don’t know the secrets about Mexican technology. We’re far more advanced than you simian Americans, you’re just too blind to see it.
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12:45 am
Yes, I admit your tortilla technology is decades ahead of ours but you still don’t have indoor plumbing. I’ll take a toilet over a burrito any day.
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12:38 pm
That’s because babies don’t have opinions or thoughts that extend past wanting milk and needing to poop. Central Americans, however, have intelligences beyond that of babies. And yes, there are still some primitive tribes remaining in Central America, but not all of Central America is like that, you moron.
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12:41 pm
Well, from the way I see it most of Central America lives hand to mouth, and having some milk and needing to poop are definitely things they hold in high regard. It still does not mean we need or want their opinion on anything. America is the owner of this hemisphere. Why don’t we just drop the issue and agree to disagree?
What is important here is we get illegals out of our country. They are draining our economy and were supposed to be all kicked out in 1986.
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12:46 pm
No, I’m not going to “agree to disagree” on a subject as large as this one. I’m not going to simply accept your opinion that Central Americans have the minds and priorities of infants, nor am I going to accept your belief that the United States owns this entire hemisphere.
How can you justify making such bogus claims and then wanting to drop the issue?
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12:49 pm
Bahahaha! Unbelievable. Our plan is working perfectly, you all think we’re so stupid. Well, when our army of cyborgs (those guys you call “illegal immigrants”) starts to attack from inside your borders, you’ll think differently.
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1:14 am
Yeah, until things come to a grinding halt around siesta time!
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1:13 am
I fail to see the distinction.
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1:19 pm
So it’s an abomination of god if science makes something you don’t like, but if science makes something you DO like, it’s considered a blessing from god? Hypocrisy, what’s that?
And Adam, just admit you’re a racist bastard.
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1:51 pm
Well he was more an aquintance than a true friend, but from what I know that fish is still terrorizing those New Zealanders and you have to wonder if it was an experiment to see if things like this could actually work.
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1:59 pm
I don’t give a shit if he was your friend or not. The fact that you practically orgasmed over what he did proves that you’re a sick bastard.
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5:56 pm
Claire, if you’re an American, you shouldn’t be defending the Mexicans. You should be buying your ass a gun, and preparing to take down some cyborg Mexicans. It’s gonna be like The Terminator, except more like El Exterminador.
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3:59 pm
I saw a sneaker in my neighborhood grocery today. It was shifty eyed and made me sort of nervous.
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12:50 am
Was it in the produce isle doing unspeakable acts with the zucchini?
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5:43 pm
“You guys just do not get it. This is nothing personal, but looking out for my country. You see what happened when the Euros let Hitler just build-up and do what he wanted. Why is it the Germans tried to get the Mexicans to attack us in the first place?”
Hitler wanted Mexico to attack because they were the closest to us. Rather than spend time and money to attack us from afar, he wanted someone else to do it. And are you really suggesting that we wipe out Mexico just so they don’t ally themselves with some mad dictator down the road?
“Why is it that every nation is trying to slowly drain us, so that we willl not have the ability to defend ourselves?”
Because the entire world is basically in a recession, they’re ALL being drained. America’s just got it worse right now considering we’re basically the cause.
“We have to strike out and wipe out threat nations while we have the chance. Anything we can do to keep us strong must be done. If that involved genetically engineering whalesharks to develop a taste for meat and a scent for Mexicans, so be it.”
You’re a mad, crazy, and racist bastard, yet you insist on being a good person. Tell me, do you honestly think God wants America to wipe out everything? If he does, why did he even bother making other races or countries? You’re just an idiot who wants blood spilled because you have a penchant for destruction. I’m willing to bet you killed cats as a child and you slowly poison your patients, just because you’re a murderer.
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5:54 pm
I assure you, no true Mexican would ever be eaten by a genetically modified whaleshark. We’re smarter than Americans. Half the time you see a Mexican holding a burrito, it’s actually a grenade. We’re armed and dangerous and ready to take over America, we’re just sneaky about it.
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7:55 pm
I hope that they soon get started on some mini sized once to put in the Rio Grande soon. What can we do for the desert states I wonder? Giant Gila monsters?
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11:35 pm
All of God’s creatures serve a purpose, even if it takes us a while to understand what it is.
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1:19 am
Mexicans were put on this earth to provide nourishment to our genetically enhanced super-Sharks!
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1:23 am
What you don’t realize is that it was actually the Mexicans who genetically altered the whalesharks! We throw life-like mannequins at them to make it look like they feed off of us, but they’re really programmed to eat Americans! Prepare to die!
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1:41 am
There is one thing you are missing my primitive, mustachioed friend – and that is that good, god-fearing Americans don’t attempt to swim to Mexico.
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