Shocking new technology produced in a three-way joint project between the US military, US Immigration and Customs Enforcement, and the Border Patrol Agency has Mexican officials up in arms. Above, we see the fruits of ‘Project Jonah’, a wonder of useful genetic engineering aimed to create a sea creature keened on preying upon one animal: Mexicans.
Costing a mere $18 million in development, local sources in Mexico claim these creatures were being airdropped early Friday via huge nets into the Gulf of California and the Gulf of Mexico. With heavier deployment of more traditional Mexican deterrents, namely skilled Texans with shotguns who yell “La Migra! La Migra!”, which uniformly terrifies a gaggle of flocking Mexicans, around the Rio Grande river, of late a steady airstream of burrito-scented illegals were caught improperly migrating to the US via the Gulf of Mexico and the Gulf of California, which both belong to America.
The map above shows data obtained by US spectral analysis. Note that in the new ‘traditional’ path used by sneaking Mexicans, a direct launching point near Matamoros has Mexicans swimming and taking covered boat wagons into the Gulf of Mexico, where these whalesharks shall be awaiting. Only the luckiest and fastest of Mexicans will land on the outskirts of Houston, near Galveston, dripping wet and met with a nasty surprise of snarling dogs and border guards.
Another more prolonged path called the “Hasting’s cutoff” has already come to some popularity. With the tenacity of a field lemur and speed of a minxed coondog, we see Mexicans are defiantly meeting at the stolen city of Los Alamos. As Americans correctly believed in Manifest Destiny during the 1800s, there is a counter Mexifest Destiny teaching that spreads through Mexico like a poison plague for the mind.
Their elders are teaching lies and deceit to Mexican families, telling them that America is a land of plenty who will welcome Mexicans with open arms. They are telling these Mexicans that America belongs to them in the first place, when this is not true. America belongs to Americans, hence the name Saint Amerigo Vespucci gave to us when our nation was Christened in 1492.
The Hastings Cutoff, thought to be the brainchild of a Mexican tainted descendent of Lansford Hastings, has proven trechorous but this time in a splendid way. Using the mindless hyping and deceit skills of his ancestor for good, El Bueno Senor Hastings allegedly tricked Mexicans into taking a ‘safer’ and more patriotic shortcut from Los Alamos and across two ‘scenic’ gulf bodies. Fighting gulf’s full of angry genetically engineered whalesharks crafted to hunt down Mexican scents in the water, crossing two impoverished deserts, drug gang infested towns and finally trying to crawl into the ‘chocolate city’ of New Orleans has proven less than fruitful for many Mexicans. It has proven deadly. Along the path, there are horrible accounts of some traveling Mexican carivans already resorting to cannibalism.
In the image above, surveillance film captures a whale shark preparing to eat 3 sneaking Mexicans. Looks like yelping burritos were on the menu tonight.
While US officials have yet to comment on this new technology, scientists do confirm that the US government has invested in research first discovered by student researchers at Cal State Fullerton. The research detailed allegedly gives a way to ‘train’ a shark on scent by engineering its olfactory bulbs to produce faint scents for its targets, making the shark more prone and hungry for higher quantities of items that produce that scent. Much like a bloodhound given a scent, these new breeds of whalesharks are being born with a hankering for swimming Mexicans.
Already since time of report, illegal immigration numbers have decreased by 8% and reports of missing Mexicans has reached a nearly uniform 7.8%.