• Proper Toilet Seat Position Etiquette for the Christian Home

    July 8, 2011 5:16 pm 41 comments

    The Christian home is orderly and vibrates with life like a steam powered locomotive. The lady of the house is akin to the engineer, dependable and courteous, she tends to the engine by keeping the pantry stocked, cupboards organized, clothes cleaned, meals nourishing, and the home as crisp and clean as line dried sheets. She is an example and treasured jewel. Every room of the home is within her purview and care.

    One the most oftentimes complained about areas of the marriage home is the bathroom. Perhaps due to the communal nature or simply gender differences, expressions of marital strife seem to stem from this room.

    In the Christian bathroom, biological respites are a time for reflection, rest and release. The bathroom is not a place for tomfoolery or shampoo shenanigans. It is kept clean and as germ free as possible for a healthy family environment. In order to maintain these goals in the home, proper biologicals etiquette and strict enforcement are required.


    The toilet seat, comprised of the oval support seat and lid cover, shall remain in the closed or locked position when not in use. For those members of the household utilizing a standing position for biological release, BOTH the top lid and seat WILL be in the open and upright position during use and in the fully closed position for the flushing phase of activity. These rules shall be adopted, applied and fully enforced for both residents and visitors. – “Beecham Christian Home Formulary”. Vol II, Article 32, § 8. rev Nov 2, 1998.

    As husband and wife, couples need to discuss and plan their adoption of etiquette rules and mores by weighing the costs and benefits. Some, like the Beecham household, compile formularies of common processes based on firmly held faith based principles not specifically delineated in the scriptures yet deemed important. Prayerful meditation on these points allows them to grow in the relationship with each other, their friends and as spiritually healthy adults that reject sin.

    As Moral Leaders, Why Should Christian Husbands Put the Seat Up?

    In order to attain the high standards of a Christian home, certain rules and orderly processes need to be adopted by the husband. He must use his leadership role wisely to maintain peace and tranquility as well as insure he isn’t mysteriously asphyxiated in his sleep by pillowy angels that whisk him way to be with the Lord.

    One woman in Indiana inexplicably found her sleeping husband’s hand super glued to his congenitals after the bone chilling discovery of a toilet seat left in the upright rather than the lowered, closed position in a dark bathroom! For women that love their husbands, they must be agents of change to promote abandoning these unhealthy habits and avoid any adhesive preternatural events. In over 97% of healthy, married adult males experiencing unexplained suffocation or night time injury, the occurrence of harm was predicated by the Arctic water discovery of a toilet seat hazard. Shocking supernatural statistics!

    For Christian men that always return the seat to the closed position, they are blessed with infallible proof should the wife stray with a lesser man. A lid, found left carelessly up could signal a woman fixin’ to whore.

    When the Husband as Moral Leader Withholds Assent – What’s a girl to do?

    We have all heard that the first 10 seconds of introduction are the most crucial in an interview. The same can be said regarding introduction of a new idea. Before pitching your idea, plan a delicious meal, wear something or nothing he likes, and pretend like you want jewelry. The low cost and high payoff of seat etiquette adoption may be all it takes to have this implemented in your home. But some husbands are stubborn.

    Some men may complain by using terms like ‘strictness’ or ‘oppression’. Uncomplimentary names may also accompany protest. Tinkle Nazi and Potty Czar are two examples. Ladies must remain calm and expect skeptics will have their little grousing sessions and be vigilant to stirrings of underground demonstrations. Diabiological warfare like voiding in the unfettered expanse of the bathtub should be expected. Much of this opposition stems from errors in potty training.

    While all Christian women adore and relish the wisdom of the mother in law, some well intentioned husband mothers taught their special little snowflake to pee with the seat down because of some clumsy mishap during potty training. As a result some men have a lifelong fear of the seat swinging free and crimping or injuring the penis. Unless the husband is under 3 ½ feet tall or endowed like a state fair blue ribbon zucchini, the probability interval is slim to none that a grown man’s penis will be injured in the 90° arc of a falling toilet seat.

    Evidentiary Etiquette

    Some Christian women find it helpful to gather a kit for etiquette compliance investigations or as a test of cleanliness if the Mexican help is questionable. An ultra violet light is a must for these kits. In a dark room, the stains of dissent glow like sin and could offer proof of leadership malfeasance in the bathtub when combined with other types of evidence. DNA baseline profiles should be kept with important insurance and legal papers.

    While setting up video cameras for each room of the house is costly and cumbersome, one low cost effective solution is to enlist the help of others. In the Beecham household, I have trained our Bible versed terrier to sound the ‘Bark Hole Alarm’ when anyone attempts to relieve themselves in an unacceptable manner. Friendly, with an amicable personality and warm disposition, few are suspicious of his quiet observation. For violators, the sharp staccato yaps of the bark hole strike an appropriate tone to the shame of misconduct. If I had a nickel for each time I’ve heard “Shut your bark hole!” I would be a wealthy woman today.

    Grime and Punishment

    Enforcement cannot be effective without judgment and punishment. In the event of accusations of misconduct outside of the formulary boundaries, both parties should compile a complete unbiased accounting of the trespasses and affront to household harmony. Be sure to include scaled diagrams, dates and times. Ask friends and family for opinions or take the case to the court of the internet’s hive mind for deliberation. Couples should also consider the opinion of a valued counselor for vindication or conviction.

    Remember these rules are crucial and need to be judged for hypocrisy in application and weighed for social scope by others. If these rules weren’t important and require mediation, married life would be reduced to common journey paved with consideration for each other as fellow imperfect beings. One could simply forgive with the knowledge that each is an imperfect creature that longs for perfection, but never attains it in this life. It would require faith in a perfect unconditional love rather than situational costs and benefits. And that is just silly talk for a married couple living in the modern age of reason.

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    About The Author
    Blanche Beecham "Blanche Beecham lends a soft, learned hand to the fourth estate with incite-full investigations on diverse topics such as Politics, Love, and Lifestyle. Her many years experience as a wife, mother, ladies book club president and financial auditor make her well suited to ferreting out the truth and giving it a sound shake." - Rev. Jackson Lee Whitebelley, Publisher and Editor of "The Incubator" - Follow me on Twitter! @BLANCHEBEECHAM

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