Proper Toilet Seat Position Etiquette for the Christian Home
The Christian home is orderly and vibrates with life like a steam powered locomotive. The lady of the house is akin to the engineer, dependable and courteous, she tends to the engine by keeping the pantry stocked, cupboards organized, clothes cleaned, meals nourishing, and the home as crisp and clean as line dried sheets. She is an example and treasured jewel. Every room of the home is within her purview and care.
One the most oftentimes complained about areas of the marriage home is the bathroom. Perhaps due to the communal nature or simply gender differences, expressions of marital strife seem to stem from this room.
In the Christian bathroom, biological respites are a time for reflection, rest and release. The bathroom is not a place for tomfoolery or shampoo shenanigans. It is kept clean and as germ free as possible for a healthy family environment. In order to maintain these goals in the home, proper biologicals etiquette and strict enforcement are required.
The toilet seat, comprised of the oval support seat and lid cover, shall remain in the closed or locked position when not in use. For those members of the household utilizing a standing position for biological release, BOTH the top lid and seat WILL be in the open and upright position during use and in the fully closed position for the flushing phase of activity. These rules shall be adopted, applied and fully enforced for both residents and visitors. – “Beecham Christian Home Formulary”. Vol II, Article 32, § 8. rev Nov 2, 1998.
As husband and wife, couples need to discuss and plan their adoption of etiquette rules and mores by weighing the costs and benefits. Some, like the Beecham household, compile formularies of common processes based on firmly held faith based principles not specifically delineated in the scriptures yet deemed important. Prayerful meditation on these points allows them to grow in the relationship with each other, their friends and as spiritually healthy adults that reject sin.
As Moral Leaders, Why Should Christian Husbands Put the Seat Up?
In order to attain the high standards of a Christian home, certain rules and orderly processes need to be adopted by the husband. He must use his leadership role wisely to maintain peace and tranquility as well as insure he isn’t mysteriously asphyxiated in his sleep by pillowy angels that whisk him way to be with the Lord.
One woman in Indiana inexplicably found her sleeping husband’s hand super glued to his congenitals after the bone chilling discovery of a toilet seat left in the upright rather than the lowered, closed position in a dark bathroom! For women that love their husbands, they must be agents of change to promote abandoning these unhealthy habits and avoid any adhesive preternatural events. In over 97% of healthy, married adult males experiencing unexplained suffocation or night time injury, the occurrence of harm was predicated by the Arctic water discovery of a toilet seat hazard. Shocking supernatural statistics!
For Christian men that always return the seat to the closed position, they are blessed with infallible proof should the wife stray with a lesser man. A lid, found left carelessly up could signal a woman fixin’ to whore.
When the Husband as Moral Leader Withholds Assent – What’s a girl to do?
We have all heard that the first 10 seconds of introduction are the most crucial in an interview. The same can be said regarding introduction of a new idea. Before pitching your idea, plan a delicious meal, wear something or nothing he likes, and pretend like you want jewelry. The low cost and high payoff of seat etiquette adoption may be all it takes to have this implemented in your home. But some husbands are stubborn.
Some men may complain by using terms like ‘strictness’ or ‘oppression’. Uncomplimentary names may also accompany protest. Tinkle Nazi and Potty Czar are two examples. Ladies must remain calm and expect skeptics will have their little grousing sessions and be vigilant to stirrings of underground demonstrations. Diabiological warfare like voiding in the unfettered expanse of the bathtub should be expected. Much of this opposition stems from errors in potty training.
While all Christian women adore and relish the wisdom of the mother in law, some well intentioned husband mothers taught their special little snowflake to pee with the seat down because of some clumsy mishap during potty training. As a result some men have a lifelong fear of the seat swinging free and crimping or injuring the penis. Unless the husband is under 3 ½ feet tall or endowed like a state fair blue ribbon zucchini, the probability interval is slim to none that a grown man’s penis will be injured in the 90° arc of a falling toilet seat.
Evidentiary Etiquette
Some Christian women find it helpful to gather a kit for etiquette compliance investigations or as a test of cleanliness if the Mexican help is questionable. An ultra violet light is a must for these kits. In a dark room, the stains of dissent glow like sin and could offer proof of leadership malfeasance in the bathtub when combined with other types of evidence. DNA baseline profiles should be kept with important insurance and legal papers.
While setting up video cameras for each room of the house is costly and cumbersome, one low cost effective solution is to enlist the help of others. In the Beecham household, I have trained our Bible versed terrier to sound the ‘Bark Hole Alarm’ when anyone attempts to relieve themselves in an unacceptable manner. Friendly, with an amicable personality and warm disposition, few are suspicious of his quiet observation. For violators, the sharp staccato yaps of the bark hole strike an appropriate tone to the shame of misconduct. If I had a nickel for each time I’ve heard “Shut your bark hole!” I would be a wealthy woman today.
Grime and Punishment
Enforcement cannot be effective without judgment and punishment. In the event of accusations of misconduct outside of the formulary boundaries, both parties should compile a complete unbiased accounting of the trespasses and affront to household harmony. Be sure to include scaled diagrams, dates and times. Ask friends and family for opinions or take the case to the court of the internet’s hive mind for deliberation. Couples should also consider the opinion of a valued counselor for vindication or conviction.
Remember these rules are crucial and need to be judged for hypocrisy in application and weighed for social scope by others. If these rules weren’t important and require mediation, married life would be reduced to common journey paved with consideration for each other as fellow imperfect beings. One could simply forgive with the knowledge that each is an imperfect creature that longs for perfection, but never attains it in this life. It would require faith in a perfect unconditional love rather than situational costs and benefits. And that is just silly talk for a married couple living in the modern age of reason.
http://www.askmen.com/money/how_to_300/385_how_to.html
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Author: Blanche Beecham
"Blanche Beecham lends a soft, learned hand to the fourth estate with incite-full investigations on diverse topics such as Politics, Love, and Lifestyle. Her many years experience as a wife, mother, ladies book club president and financial auditor make her well suited to ferreting out the truth and giving it a sound shake." - Rev. Jackson Lee Whitebelley, Publisher and Editor of "The Incubator" - Follow me on Twitter! @BLANCHEBEECHAM
5:31 pm
Women require the seat down 100% of the time.
Men require the seat down 50% of the time.
The seat is required to be down more often than it is required to be up.
Thus, the seat should be placed in the down position when the man is finished urinating.
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5:33 pm
Claire, we actually agree on something.
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5:43 pm
I have to say that in the Cristian home the man is the one that makes decisions. My wonderful dear departed was special enough to allow it to be placed down. What a man he was.
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5:46 pm
obviously I was the bottom in that relationship!
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6:04 pm
Claire, real math does not work that way. You leave out the likelihood of the next user being a female and that men actually require the seat down closer to 20% of the time.
Also, ask mothers with all boys, they often wish the seat was left up because little Johnny holds it too long that going becomes a n emergency and he skips lifting the seat and makes a mess. Many mothers would much rather have the inconvenience of having to put the seat down than have a mess.
I do usually put the seat down and the cover, because I think it is the sanitary and aesthetic thing to do.
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6:08 pm
“Claire, real math does not work that way. You leave out the likelihood of the next user being a female and that men actually require the seat down closer to 20% of the time.”
True, people don’t spend as much time defecating as they do urinating, but even at just about 20% that is still enough to say that the seat needs to be down the majority of the time.
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6:18 pm
Maybe for chivalrous reasons yes, but mathematically not at all.
If 2 people share a bathroom M/F then yes the seat should be put down as a courtesy because it will most likely need to be used sitting next (appx 58.3%)
If its 3 people M/F/m then No, it’s more likely to be used standing up next time (apprx 46.7%)
However you could argue that changing the position of the seat after you use the bathroom is a complete waste of time. If you put a seat down every time, just to have to needlessly raise it you are creating undue wear to the seat and the bowl. Undue wear creates more replacements, more replacements means more waste, more waste = destruction of the precious environment liberals pretend to love so much.
I still put the seat and lid down every time.
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6:31 pm
“However you could argue that changing the position of the seat after you use the bathroom is a complete waste of time. If you put a seat down every time, just to have to needlessly raise it you are creating undue wear to the seat and the bowl.”
So what you’re saying is that women should leave the seat up and have to sit down on the filthy rim or men should leave the seat down and risk pissing all over it?
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6:40 pm
No, what I said is: To be most “efficient” the next user would move the seat as needed only. This would prevent undue wear.
I also said I always put it down.
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6:46 pm
I didn’t catch that on Claire’s first statement. But I have to side with August on this one. The bark hole alarm goes off more frequently and never on number 2.
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6:13 pm
I do not go #2 50% of the time I use the toilet, and if you know someone who does, they likely have medical issues. Perhaps this is what is wrong with the Popanator.
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6:33 pm
Excellent point. 3/4 of the time, the seat must be down! I think I’ll just take the seats off of my toilets.
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7:05 pm
It requires less energy to lower a seat than it does to raise it, as gravity does most of the work. If a motion dampening device is fitted, as is a common feature of most modern toilets, the seat needs only a simple knock to be lowered quietly, compared with the full grip and lifting motion required to lift it.
If the seat is always lowered, then the burden of lifting and lowering is placed entirely on the shoulders of standing toilet users. There is no logical reason why this should be the case. It is not possible to engineer a policy that always pleases everyone, therefore it is pointless to have any policy at all. If toilet users simply leave the seat as it was when they finished using the toilet, then the burden is shared more equally between users who have different legitimate needs and statistically no group is more likely to be significantly inconvenienced more than any other.
Better yet, install a urinal. Toilets are too low for effective standing urination anyway, and if the seat is down many men often just urinate in the hand basin for convenience: it’s at the perfect height and allows for the rinsing of their masculinity afterwards.
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5:55 pm
I’ve never understood this “seat down” philosophy but Mother gives me a terrible time about it.
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6:01 pm
Well you don’t need to put the seat down since you don’t live with a woman, or anybody else.
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7:10 pm
I often care for my elderly mother and even find myself spending the night at her home. Also, I’m over there enough that yes I do use her bathroom and she uses mine. In any event, this is something we argue about a lot and I find it needless.
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7:16 pm
Unless you defecate standing up, the toilet seat is required to be down the majority of the time that one man and one woman live together.
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9:17 pm
I told you before about certain tract and colonial problems I have and I have appreciated your medical advice. I do find sitting sometimes better to get things moving, though at other times standing is more effective. It really depends on how much of a rush I’m in, if I have indigestion, etc. For instance, severe cramping means that if I sit down, nothing happens so even though it hurts, I have to stand (and of course the seat goes up).
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10:52 pm
You stand… when you crap? Disturbing… and gross.
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11:13 pm
I hover.
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11:35 pm
You must be a muslim. I am sorry. You may not build your mosque on Ground Zero. Burn in heck.
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6:56 pm
Why has no one addressed the political bias against using the bathtub for urination?! There seems to me an unjust assumption that bathtub urinary function is no longer applicable in the modern world. Yet, in terms of efficiency, convenience and Christian eco-friendly values, urinating into a bath drain poses the most obvious benefits.
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8:15 pm
Ewww just disgusting! Why would I want someone to pee where I take a shower?
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8:43 pm
I think that is some very dangerous talk. 70% of accidents in the home happen in the bathroom. Let’s not raise that number.
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8:38 pm
The real question is why don’t men sit to use the toilet 100% of the time? That solves the problem completely.
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8:42 pm
I suppose you like your sexual organ hanging in that dirty water?
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9:11 am
I sit during urination at home, and have done so for the 50 years during which I have shared the throne with one woman or another. It’s the christain thing to do, after all.
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10:51 pm
Husband as the moral leader? Really? I find the gender roles in this article disturbingly archaic, with men being suggested as morally superior and women as good little housewives.
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11:05 pm
Thank you. This internets webs site is now the number six most popular site in my country amongst people who cannot afford to own a computer with modem. While a senator and before the unpleasantness, I was on a committee to decide toilet etiquette in our proud nation.
Unfortunately the peoples rioted after 15,000,000 IDK$ were spent on this study and the results were that no changes should be enforced due to 71% of our population not having working plumbing.
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11:13 pm
You think you can hide with your Jewish allies? They will be crushed like 144,000 goats due toy your corruption and illegal taxations. We shall restore our proper kingdom with segregated bathrooms for men and women. Men getting toilets made of the finest bone in the lands.
Félix Doh
Mouvement populaire ivoirien du Grand Ouest MPIGO
Praise Allah.
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6:48 am
If I may be permitted to add, not only should the seat AND the lid be in the “down” position, one should follow the practice of the late Tsaritsa of all the Russias, Alexandra Federovna.
This lady of impeccable pedigree and etiquette also insisted upon her lavatory assemblage being shrouded in a suitable cover. Such an item can easily be manufactured and embroidered by the lady of the house (or daughters as a appropriate evening occupation).
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6:57 am
I meant, of course, when the facility was not in use!
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11:41 am
Sister Beecham, great article! In my house we solved this in a different manner, guaranteed never to result in arguments. We installed a urinal directly across from the toilet. It has the added benefit that I can urinate simultaneously when one of my two female housemates is using the toilet! The plumbing was easy, and they don’t mind at all the slight extra bathroom cleaning time!
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3:38 pm
Thought you said you were a virgin! Timmay, you naughty boy!
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7:13 am
my dear, you are making the assumption that Timmay’s relationships with these females are anything other than platonic.
My assumption would be that he gives them space as an act of charity as it is a fact that women need a male protector and guide in their lives.
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8:24 am
You are very close, sir. Let no one be deceived by Bottoming On The Dang Floor Lauren.
It happens that my two female housemates and myself are renters, and there is no sin in our household. Of course, I do pay the majority of the rent, and do drive them to church.
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3:42 pm
Timmay, if I may be so informal, it is good to know that there are still “parfait kights” around, to protect the moral integrity of women without another male mentor and protector in their lives.
Your charity to these is a beam of light in a fallen world.
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3:52 pm
Blood on the Dance Floor. Blood. Not Bottoming. And I am quite sorry, but in today’s day and age, it is not acceptable to show your penis to any person you are not having relations with.
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3:56 pm
Thank you sir Mihange, you are a gentleman and a scholar!
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3:50 pm
I am glad that God-fearing folk have acknowledged that this is an international issue, given that Canadians have fewer than one flushable American pattern toilet per 100,000 inhabitants.
The Europeans have a better ratio at 1:1000 but but most of these are two bricks and a pit.
Therefore their cleanliness and proximity to God are severely compromised. I suspect that scurrying off to the woods or olive groves to relieve themselves leads to unnecessary exposure of dangling private parts and ogling prurience. But we have to remember that paganism was invented in Europe and that the Christian religion originated in the USA.
The take-home message is that these people need to be urged to convert to porcelain modesty and forsake their woodsmen faecal adventures.
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3:45 pm
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