• TMNT, Treacherous Mephistopheles’ Nonbelieving Terrors

    July 11, 2011 9:21 pm 6 comments

    The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles were created by Kevin Eastman, owner, publisher, and editor of Heavy Metal Magazine, and Peter Laird, founder of the Xeric Grant. I do not expect my Father’s faithful flock to know anything about the sin-saturated pages of Heavy Metal Magazine, so I shall explain its devilry. Heavy Metal Magazine, which has been adapted into two feature films, is a rag for pulp filth that is filled with breasts, battle, and Beelzebub. The Xeric Grant, meant to contribute to the homoerotic scantily clad caped cuckolds of comics, ad is awarded to taint young cherubic minds into sin suckling savages. “Xeric” is a word used to describe something that is arid, such as the desert where Christ was tempted by Lucifer. Also, Mirage Studios originally published TMNT. As we all know, a mirage is an illusion in the desert manifested by the malevolent Antichrist.

    Now that the creators’ demonic dispositions have been revealed, we may proceed.

    Obscene Originings

    Everything on earth was created by a loving, noble god- except the Ninja Turtles who were created by a freak accident involving seeping ooze. This fact, mingled with the fact that these ninjas are teenaged, is clearly a reference to teen pregnancy, devilry at its worst.

    Mutation is a key component of evolution, also known as, the devil. Typical turtles, though soulless, were created by Jehovah, whereas these Turtles were tainted and turned by the demonic wizardry of the dark lord Satan to perverse abominations of intelligent design.

    Furthermore, the turtles are reptilian and amphibious, a clear and tawdry reference to dinosaurs and the creatures that allegedly crawled from the primordial muck- according to EVILutionists.

    The Righteous Opposition

    The Ninja Turtles fight against the Foot Clan. Christ walked everywhere upon his holy heels, clearly the Turtles’ skateboards, battle van, and helicoptering nunchucks are an embodiment of Satan.

    The Foot Clan and Shredder adorn themselves in purple. Despite modern misgivings, purple is actually a regal color, not that of unholy homosexualists. Thus the foot soldier’s purple masks and the Shredder’s purple cape represent royalty. Shredder, being the leader of the Foot Clan is obviously meant to symbolize Yaweh, the king of kings.

    The Shredder was voiced by James Avery, more commonly known as “Uncle Phil” from the dark comedy, The Fresh Prince of Bel Air. Avery, though African American, put his sinful skin aside and adorned a lighter complexion as he voiced the Shredder, a beautiful allegory for righteous repentance.

    Islamic Idioms

    The Turtles describe themselves as, “Radical,” which we, as good God Fearing Americans, must be ever vigilant against. Radical Islam nearly destroyed our country, imagine what a radical turtle could accomplish.

    The Enlightened Extraterrestrial

    Krang, the gregarious general of Dimension X, is in search of a body, the body of Christ. Krang, being composed entirely of a brain is meant to symbolize Christians and our superior brain-power. I believe it is safe to assume that Dimension X, where Krang is from, is a clear metaphor for Heaven. Krang’s pursuit of Christ and Heaven are constantly ruined by the Turtles, proving with absolute certainty that they are the puppets of the pernicious one, Satan.

    Devilish Drugs

    The first episode of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles was titled, “Turtle Tracks,” a clear and appalling reference to pokey-needle drugs. As forward thinking Christians, we all know that pokey-needle drugs spread the AIDs virus almost as quickly as marijuana.

    April O’Neil works for Channel 6 news. Coincidence? NAY MY BRETHEREN! 6, or rather Satan’s Number, is meant to signify that the yelping yellow bimbo is spreading the word of the serpentine SATAN!

    Horridly Homosexual

    True ninjas wore dark blue robes to shroud themselves in the night. These flamboyant festering flagitious foul foes of the one true loving God almighty wear bright colors of the most wretchedly wicked symbol to ever slither into society, the rainbow.

    Crushing Conclusion

    Though the arguments against them are as limitless as the love of the one flawless bearded male God, I think my work as the messenger of the almighty is sufficient for now. Until next time, beware the throngs of Satan and the evils of pizza.

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