• Tom Hanks, Julia Roberts Dumbfounded that Mediocre Larry Crowne Makes Mediocre Profit

    July 2, 2011 3:22 am 9 comments

    Shock and awe fill the Hollywood elite today, with Tom Hanks and Julia Roberts absolutely flabbergasted that their new ‘romantic comedy’ hit Larry Crowne is flopping at the box office.

    Larry Crowne had all the right elements:  a boring, mundane plot where an adult is forced to an ackward situation where he happens to meet a unordinarily attractive woman who is surprisingly single.

    As if that suspension in belief were not enough, Hanks is forced to go to a Junior College named Mount Ida, where he meets Julia Roberts who is a professor.

    The plot heightens when Hanks, being a nearly 60-something-year-old semi-geriatric, impresses the student body with his carefree brashness, which old people tend to do.

    If I wanted to see old people being brash, I’d abduct my grandparents and invite them to a fraternity party.  As grandmother fretted and shooed people in the messy kitchen, surely my double old man would be like  ”Sonny, stop skating through the grass before I shake my old man cane!”

    Yes, Jerry is a bastard shlupa for dragging his grandfather to a fraternity party and having him use euphemism for a guy skating his Poloski through a girl’s bush, but hey, Tom Hanks really thought we were going to flock to his crappy, trite, mediocre, half-assed love story.

    Tom Hanks is a good guy.  Don’t get me wrong.  It’s rare to find a stand-up actor in Hollywood.  But it’s also rare to find a Hollywood movie with any real inspiration.

    When they were running ads for Larry Crowne, somehow one of the critic quotes was “The Most Heartfelt Performance”…my happy New York ass.

    Not that my ass isn’t already in enough danger here in New York, where all the same-sex married couples will be gaming on kosher keisters, a double-dagger of paired doom indeed, but you have to consider Hanks was calling in the quotes for the ad campaign.  He produced the movie.

    Now it is hard to say what is the bigger tragedy.  I’m listening to these critics and they are saying the film ‘only’ cost $30 million dollars to make.   I’m not sure about you, but the last time I checked $30 million is a noticable figure.

    There are children in Estonia with cleft lips who will die, unless we send them $250 for a surgery that will change their lives.  Snooki the cooder badger may go hungry as she’s being fired from Jersey Shore.  We’re in a crisis, people.

    Maybe since everyone is getting fired from their jobs, the US is losing its credit rating, we question the fairness of a $20 eyefest of Hollywood bullcrap.  The US, the nation that invented the credit card and the repossession truck, is being defaulted on!  We are going from a AAA credit rating, a rating we invented all for ourselves, down to a D.  Financial armageddon is falling down all around us and the Chinese are building laser eyed nuke Nazi debt collection robots and yet, we have $20 to waste on some Tom Hanks bullfuckshit!  Oh no, Jerry cussed again!

    That’s alright, I’m Jewish and it happens.

    But I won’t go over the limit, I promise.  What I will do is continue to be shocked with how these scheister actors and producers from Hollywood think that when Burger King and Sonic are now so desperate that they are selling alcohol with their kiddie meals, that last week I was at Costco and they had strippers outside, promising the milk aisle would have live finger ogling milk sessions for an extra $5 and a pack of smokes, that Tom Hanks thinks that wearing a leisure suit and taking a bicycle ride with Julia Roberts through the backyard of Harvard is going to somehow inspire us all to part with our damned hard earned money!

    Here is a plot!

    A hard-working father is ripped from his family because the Nazis are coming!  But as he’s trying to land his boat for D-day, a German face wreck bomb blows the boat 5000 miles to the middle of nowhere, where we see the only survivor of the tank boat is…Tom Hanks.  Because, he’s Tom Hanks, that’s why!  He makes friends with a coconut on the beach and the coconut is female, and they have a mutant child!

    That child floats all the way back to Ellis Island and finds that even without Hanks saving Private Ryan, that the damned US is still alright and Hitler is maggot food.  Great!  But the plot doesn’t end there, because Hollywood knows parents want touchey-feely.

    Coconut Kid is being played by a young, K-mart special version of DiCrapprio and finds itself in the throes of child services, living hand to mouth and then from family to family.  It is a story of the triumph of the human spirit.  Coconut Boy grows up to have some damned half mutant kids and grandchildren of his own, they all are New York banker’s trust fund childen and live the priviledged life, until Mommy and Daddy drop themselves from a tree after the President Bush Spendhappy banking crash of 08!

    Spilt coconut human mutant guts everywhere!  It’s gory!  Tarantino was called in to have the suicide coconut scene shot in 3d and Michael Bay gave his metal grinding expertise.  At the funeral they serve pina colada and the audience is offended yet intrigued, you sick Roman calbre populace.

    All comes full circle in this film when Grandpa Coconut has to adopt the grandchildren brats.  One day he tells them how they are all a family of Jewish coconut mutants becauase Tom Hanks banged a female coconut years ago.  The kids get depressed and cry, Grandpa Coconut gets angry and they all go to Sonic.  He plies them all with alcohol, because Sonic is so desperate it has to serve damned alcohol now alongside its Ocean Water and happy hour fruit slushes!

    Our nation is now so desperate, this is okay.  The grandpa plies his grandchildren with alcohol, then flies to Haiti where the headhunters bust them open and find a nice pina colada alcohol surprise!  More Tarantino gore!  It is a tragic ending, yet a victory for the 3rd world!  Symbolic.

    That is my summer blockbuster and how you make a movie that people in A RECESSION may just go see, Tom Hanks!  Don’t call me a drunk raving mad Jew because that is anti-semite, and we don’t want to be Mel Gibson now do we?

    Larry Crowne.  Do not waste your money on this Hollywood Crap!

    Tom Hanks has made enough money and Julia Roberts is still hot and rich.  There is no need for this film to exist and it is just a trap for the money you better be saving for those milk sligging strippers that are appearing outside Costco.  Don’t worry, just tell your wife you are helping to milk the American econony for a better future for the children.  Larry Crowne.  Don’t see it.

     

     

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    Jerry Cohen JP Cohen

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