Whilst exalting in the aftershocks of the earthquake, an angelic messenger of God came to me and bestowed upon me the following prophetic vision: Hurricane Irene will rain devastation on America’s sinful, blasphemous coastal dwellers while the pious Midwestern folk will continue to bask in the glory of the Almighty.
From sodomites in Miami to nonprofit workers in DC, all who have turned a deaf ear to His commands will be washed away like lawnmower clippings on a Slip ’n Slide ™. Fornicators, idolaters, environmentalists, and the poor – obliterated in the second coming of The Flood.
He has heard our cries for a balanced budget, a return to family values, and more corporate tax loopholes and he is faithful to his chosen ones.
Head for the hills homosexuals! The Prince of Peace is coming to smite you!
For God has decreed: there will be much crying and gnashing of teeth when the masses of effeminate East Coasters realize they don’t know how to construct an ark. They will hide in shame, and in their shame they will be washed from their homosexual havens. Low-income populations shall beg for death; yay, even longing for the days of Hurricane Katrina, while the minorities shall not know how to swim. The environmentalists shall shout, “global warming!” but the approaching waters shall drown out their blasphemous cries. The vile youth shall be washed to sea, and the elderly shall be swept away with the winds. Women, children and animals shall pass from this land, and the coast shall be purified by the tears of God.