Drowing Woman Rescued by Awful Hipster
CHATHAM, MA – A potential beach tragedy was averted yesterday when Joel Fensky, insufferable hipster and lifeguard on duty, extracted a drowning Julie Weathers from the water, performed CPR, and instructed those around him to call emergency services. His efforts proved crucial: “A few moments more, and she might have been gone! That lifeguard saved her life,” commented a paramedic. “Had a very strange haircut, though.”
Local residents expressed surprise with Joel, whose disastrous fashion statements and mysterious musical tastes have earned him an unsavory reputation. “This is not something we would have expected from Joel,” said Brian Jenkins, who was identified as his English teacher. “He’s uncommonly self-absorbed. When I asked him to remove his headphones in the middle of a lecture, he accused me of supporting the ‘corporatocracy.’ Whatever the f*ck that means.”
Chatham resident Joel Fensky, a truly heinous hipster, has been branded a social outcast due to his unfortunate musical preferences and radical political stances, among other things. Joel embraces his ostracization, which he describes as “a necessary side effect of [his] singular self-expression.”
Joel’s peers were similarly bewildered. “He wears clothes that clearly don’t match, and when we call him out on it, he just says he’s being ‘ironic.’ It’s really infuriating,” said friend Steven Cook. “But I guess it’s kinda cool that he saved somebody’s life. Just totally out of character.”
Joel seemed nonchalant when questioned about his heroics. “It was the right thing to do. I would have expected anybody to do the same,” he said, oozing with arrogance and insincerity. Even so, Joel was eager to share his lifestyle with me: “While you’re with me, you gotta check out this band. They’ve got a totally unique sound, it’s riveting.” I think the band was called “Porno Pumpkins” or something.
No, Joel. I’m not interested in that Godless filth you call music, or your weird hipster culture. I’m just glad that you rescued a full-grown woman, and not an innocent, impressionable young child. We don’t need more of your kind despoiling our God-fearing country. In the future, stay away from our drowning women, and stay away from our children.
- Sinful
- Suspicious
- Scared
- Sad
- Amused
- Laughing Out Loud
Author: Businessman Hank
Once I did pornography to feel better about my body and my sex life, but God filled all those holes better than my porn career ever could have!
12:54 pm
Soo you’re saying if it was a child drowning.. that he should have let him die? Cuzz that’s what I got from the last part.. and it quites fucked up Sir, and it says there^ My use to be in porno? What the fuck man. Haha keep writing bible thumper, it gets funnier every time.
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1:06 pm
He should never have been a lifeguard to begin with. Someone with so much responsibility ought to be a man of impeccable character, which he clearly was not.
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3:53 pm
How about just being happy that he saved someone’s life? How about saying, “Thank you,” instead of criticizing the way he dresses? Obviously, none of the “nicely dressed” people took action. I suppose they were afraid of catching a disease from the “awful hipster,” huh? The LIFE-SAVING awful hipster.
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4:59 pm
YOU DID PORN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU!
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5:15 pm
Emosexual bitch…….. Will u “marry”me?
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5:19 pm
I wouldn’t go for it, EB. Alison tends to throw herself at all dissenters on Christwire. Plus she’s currently into polyamory, which is usually the mark of an unstable personality.
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5:20 pm
I would love to “marry” you Alison(:
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5:23 pm
Oh yay! Ima marry everyone who hates these ppl! So now we are married! Ima give u everything u could evr want Hun!
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5:23 pm
And Porno Hank, I’ve actually been in a polygamous relationship before, so I know what it’s like
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5:26 pm
YAY<3
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5:31 pm
I’m “married” to 12 ppl now so yea and if he was in porn that must have been really shitty porn
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5:51 pm
Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah!
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5:56 pm
Alison, despite your illiteracy you seem a very intelligent person.
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5:36 pm
God always forgives. That is the entire point. You only need to repent and ask Him. And then follow the teachings of the Bible forever more, until you reach
the pearly gates of Heaven.
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5:41 pm
Psh, I don’t believe in religion, it’s all a bunch of crap to me.
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5:58 pm
Well, when you’re feeding on the crap like the Human Centipede for all eternity you may feel a bit different. Please repent, turn to Jesus, and open that Bible!
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6:01 pm
And I apologize for my previous posting not identifying me via an avatar. I had not logged in. Even God fearing Christians make mistakes, especially while volunteering at church.
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6:02 pm
I will never read the bible, I prefer to burn it!
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6:13 pm
Human Centipede, my child, Human Centipede. Have you never seen Bosch’s painting Garden of Earthly Delights? It is very famous, and also it’s depictions likely await you. Please turn back to the flock! If you’re a Brit, the challenge will be much more difficult. We will minister to you and support you.
Praise be!
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6:24 pm
Ewwww I got a private screening for part 2 of that movie! Undead of 3 ppl it’s gonna be 12! Ewwwwwww
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6:10 pm
How much did you make in porn? I have been contemplating it, because my life is in the gutters, hard. It’s a very long hard, rough life. And, I want to erect a new me. Instead of wondering down this moist dark hole. I feel as though I am just marinated in sin. And, also an Ecstasy Induced Wizard. Satan speaks my genitalia. It is hard out here for a sex organizer, when I’m getting money for the mortgage.
Prey for me. ;P
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6:22 pm
Insert boner joke!
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6:59 pm
Enough to live off of, but not enough to justify a life steeped in sin.
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11:25 pm
So… does this mean you have a huge penis? If so, call me
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12:13 am
Well we know that no one on this site and there you have it boys and girl this site wants you to go out and watch people die!
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1:26 pm
CPR? Looks like he can barely handle PBR
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1:45 pm
Wow so he helps and now u want him to stay away? Wow total asshole! As for Joel, u go dude, saving a life! Total badass!
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3:02 pm
It is spelled “Drowning”. And let us all attack the guy who saved someones life, shall we? How “Christian” of you sir.
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4:52 pm
Ah, and as you can see, I was fully capable of spelling it within the article. Let’s call it a “typo,” not a “spelling error.” You lose, sir.
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6:39 pm
Don’t worry, Hank. If you’re ever drowning, I’ll be there…with a stick to push you back down every time you try to get up! XD
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7:53 pm
Alex R, you’re a monster. You are saying that this man Businessman Hank deserves death and you would murder him given the opportunity. There is a word for people like that: Sociopaths. I think you might be a serial killer. Go home and eat your own poop and jack off to the severed heads of your victims you sick fuck.
Repent!!!
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11:31 pm
… Does anyone else see any irony in this post? How can you completely tear someone down (more so, somehow managing to justify it via your religion), and then tell them you’re a good Christian and that they should repent? It was a joke, so if you would just calm down, that would be awesome. On a side note, it’s people and articles like this that make people scared to say that they are Christian. Because you people make us out to hate everything that you deem isn’t “Godly.”
I also find it funny that you people think that sites like this help Christianity grow. Seems a bit counter-intuitive, doesn’t it?
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9:32 pm
What a nightmare, first you are drowning and preparing to shake Jesus’s hand up in heaven, then you are kissing yesterday’s dinner off this filthy hipster’s beard while he slips his tounge in your mouth during ressusication. Throw me back in the water!
I true Christian would never have long hair and a beard. Hair that covers the ear is trying to hide the sin.
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9:52 pm
Jesus had long hair. Kinda blows your theory outa the water now huh?
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10:49 pm
That’s a caricature of Jesus, which also portrays him as a caucasian. That’s impossible, considering where he lived. Whether or not he had long hair isn’t really something we can prove.
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10:54 pm
I doubt they got or even knew what regular hair cuts were back in his time. Jesus was the original hippie, I know that dosent fit with your twisted view of the world.
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11:01 pm
All we know about Jesus is from what’s written in the texts. The rest is a consumerist projection of what he might have looked like. This “hippie” image of Jesus is just what you want him to look like. He may just as well have been a hygienic, clean-shaven young man.
Also, if he did have a beard, and it was due to the lack of the modern convention we call haircuts, then that would make him normal by his day’s standards. Since today, we do have haircuts and we know what shaving is, the lax hygienic standards of hipsters are far less acceptable.
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11:10 pm
As said in the book u ppl read, Jesus did not wash his hands before eating and he was a carpanter. Bactieria and germs could have entered the body, he hung out with 12 dudes and a whore so yea. He sounds like a hippie and that’s the way I like it
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11:15 pm
From a sociological standpoint, that would have made him no different from his peers, Alison. Hippies are only labeled hippies because their behaviors set them apart from the average person. Jesus wasn’t a hippie because his behaviors were standard. He was an intellectual revolutionary to be sure, but his hygiene and eating habits were no different than anybody else.
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11:27 pm
If this so called Jesus was among us then his actions would be diffrent for he was the son of god yet u sit ur fat ugly ass down and say he’s like u and me? Omgwtfbbq! Now this book has no foot notes or Pie charts or any refrences so basicly it’s another story book to put little junior son of a bitch to sleep. If there is no proof then it is not real.
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11:34 pm
Why does him being the Son of God mean he was a hippie, or was was unusually dirty? And Alison, if you take an introductory bible study class, you’ll know that there were multiple sources for the Gospel. Much of Jesus’ ministry is just fact; he was at certain places at certain times, and he probably said certain things.
As for your final statement, “if there is no proof then it is not real,” that pretty much rules out anything that is theoretical in nature. Morality, for instance. And I don’t think we want to live in a society like that.
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11:42 pm
Blah blah blah blah blah yackatty yackatty yackatty yackatty yackatty yack blah blah blah! U bored me now go away!
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11:45 pm
There’s medication for that, Alison.
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12:02 am
LSD, Nodes, Lovlies, devil dander booger sugar, bear snot, rump catch, pot, speed, wide eye what?! What is it and don’t say god because last time I tried that I almost fucking killed myself! So if u have no answer or idea what any of this is then I’m take some thing I’ve been saving!
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12:16 am
So why does your religion show him with long hair? also god has a beard but i guess you dont like his dad he plays portal.
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10:14 pm
Allison : is not what Bush said in american dad ? I mean the LSD etc
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11:38 pm
@ Businessman Hank, Why do think Jesus was NORMAL? He radically changed our faith. He hung out with tax collectors, whores, and walked among lepers (All of which were complete outcasts in their time for their own reasons). And yet you have the AUDACITY to say that Jesus was normal? If anything, I would think that Jesus taught us to be ourselves, and to NOT conform to society. So what if this guys likes different music and wants a beard? Does that make him less of a person? I think you should brush up on your bible skills before trying to use it as a resource.
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8:43 am
To “A logical person”:
Jesus was indeed an intellectual revolutionary, who changed the face of religion, you’re quite right. What we were discussing is whether or not Jesus’ day-to-day behaviors and hygienic standards were any different than the average man. Since he was a Jewish man, and just as beholden to cleanliness and kosher laws as any other, I suggest that they were not.
“So what if this guys likes different music and wants a beard? Does that make him less of a person?”
No. It’s the fact that he does these things in an arrogant, self-absorbed, and shallow pursuit of self-expression. Such selfishness is the hipster of equivalent of putting oneself before God, which is indeed anti-Christian.
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1:37 am
and you have a pedo stache sooo STFU
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7:55 pm
Jesus had a beard and long hair….
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11:17 am
That’s a lie propagated by hippie liberals.
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11:41 pm
YOU’RE a lie propagated by hippie liberals. See? I can spout nonsense too!
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9:39 pm
I would be afraid this man would take liberties while a woman was unconscious. He appears to be a drug doer. Gives me the shivers.
BB
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1:35 am
are you kidding me?? “take liberties” he’s a life guard and saved a woman from DYING….oh and if you saw me, it doesnt look like i do drugs at all. STFU
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4:57 am
Listen, those eyes don’t say life saver. It is a proven fact people interpret a disproportionate amount of white showing in the eye with insanity and drugs. You liberals will make fun of that nice Michelle Bachmann for showing a lot of eye white and then pat this drug doer on the tattoo’d back.
What a bunch of hypocrites!
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11:45 pm
http://thinkprogress.org/politics/2011/06/16/246618/bachmann-craziest-quotes/
And you think this person is a good candidate from presidency? She thought John Quincy Adams was a founding father… He was 8 at the time. Also, don’t most churches, schools, households, (basically everything) Teach that you shouldn’t judge someone based on looks? Learn what you’re talking about, become less of a hypocrite, and then get back to reply.
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11:52 pm
Bitchman why must u insult one of my wives! She is of good heart and a very smart woman u are a total twat! Honey just stop talking to these idiots, I know it’s funny, so if u wanna stay it’s fine dolly
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10:06 am
Did he truly say polyamory is bad? Polygamy, perhaps, but in my experiences with it polyamory is a loving unity between multiple people, not some disgusting sex thing or with on as a master.
Anyways, this article is disgusting. Someone who looks odd saved a woman’s life, and you’re saying this about him?
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11:07 am
God clearly states that polyamory is an abomination. And honestly, in my experience, somebody ends up getting jealous. Our natural human urges to lay claim to one mate get in the way of an equal relationship between all parties involved.
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11:46 pm
He knows. He’s a porn star.
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5:01 am
No man has love enough for everybody, no matter what the penis tells them. Remember that the wild penis does not take orders from the brain as got intended. A man must keep the domesticated penis in check with prayer and pure thoughts like Businessman Hank.
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10:18 pm
Hod said a lot of thing he even wanted to drown Millions of people for his own pleasure and you DARE accept this behaviour ?
GOD IS A FUCKING SERIAL KILLER
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1:58 pm
As our creator, it is God’s right to give and to take life as he sees fit. You cannot hold him to the same kind of standards as you would a human; simply trust his judgment and live by Christ’s example, and you will know what it is to live a meaningful life.
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2:12 pm
So does that mean that allowing people to live when they were meant to die is a bad thing? If someone has a heart attack or drowns, it’s not part of our duty as caring human beings to save their life, and that instead we should just let them die?
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2:41 pm
My dear man, you’re missing the point. If God truly wanted somebody to die, that person would be dead! If you are able to save his life, then God’s will has been done, one way or another!
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4:51 am
Im truly in “love” with allison, until i cn figure out how to register correctly im stuck like this
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