CHATHAM, MA – A potential beach tragedy was averted yesterday when Joel Fensky, insufferable hipster and lifeguard on duty, extracted a drowning Julie Weathers from the water, performed CPR, and instructed those around him to call emergency services. His efforts proved crucial: “A few moments more, and she might have been gone! That lifeguard saved her life,” commented a paramedic. “Had a very strange haircut, though.”
Local residents expressed surprise with Joel, whose disastrous fashion statements and mysterious musical tastes have earned him an unsavory reputation. “This is not something we would have expected from Joel,” said Brian Jenkins, who was identified as his English teacher. “He’s uncommonly self-absorbed. When I asked him to remove his headphones in the middle of a lecture, he accused me of supporting the ‘corporatocracy.’ Whatever the f*ck that means.”
Chatham resident Joel Fensky, a truly heinous hipster, has been branded a social outcast due to his unfortunate musical preferences and radical political stances, among other things. Joel embraces his ostracization, which he describes as “a necessary side effect of [his] singular self-expression.”
Joel’s peers were similarly bewildered. “He wears clothes that clearly don’t match, and when we call him out on it, he just says he’s being ‘ironic.’ It’s really infuriating,” said friend Steven Cook. “But I guess it’s kinda cool that he saved somebody’s life. Just totally out of character.”
Joel seemed nonchalant when questioned about his heroics. “It was the right thing to do. I would have expected anybody to do the same,” he said, oozing with arrogance and insincerity. Even so, Joel was eager to share his lifestyle with me: “While you’re with me, you gotta check out this band. They’ve got a totally unique sound, it’s riveting.” I think the band was called “Porno Pumpkins” or something.
No, Joel. I’m not interested in that Godless filth you call music, or your weird hipster culture. I’m just glad that you rescued a full-grown woman, and not an innocent, impressionable young child. We don’t need more of your kind despoiling our God-fearing country. In the future, stay away from our drowning women, and stay away from our children.