• God Hates Kittens. So Should You.

    August 11, 2011 11:39 pm 317 comments
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  • To gaze into the eyes of a Devil Kitten, is to sacrifice your soul to Lucifer. Kittens are the creation of Satan designed to embody his cunning spirit of disguise. Does a kitten seem playful to you? Is that furry little devil spawn cute and cuddly with a splash of wonder in its evil little step? Be wary my God fearing friend, for the hands of the devil are upon your soul if this rings true in your heart. The good Lord Jesus had nary a cat around him when he walked the earth. This is because their evil hearts could not stand his glorious purity.

    Kittens today are prevalent in every corner of the world and are poised to take over the planet within the next twenty years. The prescience of Bob Barkers beautiful Christian heart tried to warn us about the creeping dawn of kitty Armageddon. Over and over again he asked the common heathen to spade and neuter their pets. Sadly, the word of God was yet again too cryptic and pure for the masses to hear. But what makes them evil? Where does the putrid heart of satan poke through this façade of cuteness? There are but a few ways to tell.
    A dog will try to eat a cat. More importantly, a dog will gladly devour a kitten. Dog spelled backwards is clearly God. Dogs are therefore the left hand of God as is evidenced by the reverse spelling. The bowels of a dog are the same as a God fearing man and can purify anything that passes through it. The remaining excrement is pure evil and will be properly disposed of. The sounding bell of God’s Word is completely clear. If a Dog hates it, then so must we. Consequently, this is also why dogs don’t like Chinese or Russians either.
    Kittens use litter boxes. No other creature would do such a thing. A good Christian would do his business in a toilet which is roughly round in shape. To use a litter box is akin to putting a round peg in a square hole. Except now it is a round piece of excrement in a square box. This is entirely incongruous in nature and goes against the basic logic of any creature on this earth. Only by the hand of Satan would a creature be willing to perform such an act. Furthermore, kitty litter is the sacrament of a devil worshipper. They eat it to honor their devotion to satan.

    ”The Kitty”, “My Pussy”, “Pet my little Kitty” are all references to the sin hole and rampant abuse of that sin hole on a woman. This is not mere coincidence. The good Lord above allowed me to wed and bed 14 different women in the past two years and through these trials I learned a very important lesson from Him. If you want to pet it, play with it and get all close and comfy with it, then it is probably evil and will do you harm. Satan uses any possible means to invade and attack the good heart of a Christian. The Kitty is the most devious and overlooked of his minions.

    Have you ever met a woman with lots of Cats that also had children and a husband? There is a simple answer for this. She is a bride of satan. Having married satan, it is now her duty to raise and care for his kitten spawn until they are ready to attack the earth when the anti-christ (most likely Stephen Colbert) rises against humanity.
    Kittens have slanted eyes. So do the Chinese and other nefarious characters commonly depicted in the minds of God’s children. Their almond shaped eyes have the ability to transmit satans message of hate.

    The bible does not mention kittens, or cats. Simply put, they were never in the presence of Jesus or any of God’s disciples to make mention of in the holy book. Satan was well aware of Jesus’s lineage and ensured all his kin kept a wide berth.

    Kittens become cats that are very independent. Being independent and unwillingly to rely on others is a common trademark among the unholy. Satans creatures must be this way for the constant force of God and his people lay heavily upon their unsightly spirits. Many pagans keeps cats as a pet because of this independence. It serves two purposes. First, it keeps their god close to their corrupted hearts. Second, pagans are too lazy and useless to care for a creature that requires attention, so a cat is perfect for them.

    Remember friends of Christ, the only good kitten is a dead kitten!

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    About The Author
    Reverend Joseph Filigree As a pastor to whores and harlots, I use my rod of forgiveness to release their sin holes of the demons that constrain them.

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