During the 90s, we all complained because corporate America was making everyone want to be skinny. We ballyhooed zero size models with airbrushed hips and all give Roman Coliseum styled thumbs up to People, Elle Magazine and others chastizing us dirty, mean men for not appreciating the female form in its true glory. Which I’m guessing is fat?
Fast-forward twenty years and the blood content level of most women is 20% alcohol and 60% Mcdonald’s lard. The other 20% is a wild guess, though feel free to go Twilight on Paris Hilton’s or Kirstie Allie’s blood stream to find out exactly what. I can tell you from experience, it’ll be like a fatty Tijuana fish taco with a slight hint of coke sprinklings.
The problem we’re having today is that everyone forgot you’re supposed to look like a model. And models are supposed to be hot. When I’m at the grocery store, little old ladies are supposed to give me dirty looks as I get eye-jollies from all the fit, taut soccer moms prancing about in their short-shorts, aspiring to look like a jiggling, heaving Megan Fox trying to escape the Exxon Valdez disaster. Oil spills can be good.
But how can us good, American men get our super market inspiration when this is becoming the standard and daily headline?:
The woman in the old-people’s store traveling device represents the new 22 – 35 year-old American female cohort. This woman’s name is Susan Eman and she is trying to became the world’s fattest woman.
There was a point in time where such goals would land you on Oprah, crying to a bunch of women and eating ice cream, then getting a free vacation to Everyone-Else-Is-Too-Poor-For-Here island, where she would receive counseling and therapy and come back all tight bodied and upper chest looking like Kelly’s oh so delicious Kapowskis, if you get my drift.
But in today’s world, such things are not the standard. This new ‘feedie’ behavior is not unheard of and this woman is being encouraged to become the world’s fatest. Husbands and boyfriends, your girlfriends will see this story hit the tabloids next week and maybe not tomorrow, or even next week, but eventually they are just going to say, “Screw it, I’m happy in my big sexy body”.
According to MyFitnessPal.com, a normal sized woman does not need close to what this new breed of woman is packing in. Here is Eman’s diet:
Diary of A Fat, American Women
6 Scrambled Eggs Cooked In Butter=468 cal.
And just because having 1/3 of your necessary caloric intake from those yummy eggs just quite isn’t enough, the woman throws in some bacon. While this is fine behavior for a man, because really you just cannot eat enough bacon, women need to hold themselves to a higher standard.
Half Pound Of Bacon=1,168 cal
With just the bacon and eggs, she’s already over her daily limit. Now comes the part that makes all the sultry fat.
4 Hash Browned Potatoes=672 cals.
6 Pieces Of Buttered Toast=600 cals.
Ice Cream Shake=1,160 cals.
Bag Of Animal Crackers=1,950 cals.
2-Liter Of Soda=800 cals.
Bag Of Barbeque Chips=1,650 cals.
3 Ham And Cheese Sandwiches=1,576 cals.
Now keep in mind that the editor did not make a mistake and forget to write ‘Lunch’ at some point, this is literally breakfast. At this point I’m getting a gastric lavage and am running short on toilet humor, so with no further delay let’s move on to lunch.
3 Beef, Bean And Green Chili Burritos With Sour Cream=1,453 cals.
Well, obviously, Mexicans had to make an appearance or show influence at some point in time. Whenever there is a fat belly emerging, there is usually a Mexican taqueria cart or restaurant a few blocks away.
Many of you readers are college students. Men who are escaping the nest of home. You want the most sultry, exotic looking girls and you will definitely meet some Latinas on your campus. Now I’m not racist, but I do understand genetics.
Here is some life wisdom that will never fail you. If you’re not a family man who likes a wide-hipped, ovary egg roosting woman, don’t have a Mexican girlfriend aged over 23. Once Mexican females hit a certain age, it never fails, their hips get impossible wide and any nice abdominal area they had will just disappear. They turn into a head, chest, hips and leg-foot creatures. Sort of like Fry Guy but seasoned with Uncle Jose’s papita seasonings.
In other words, Mexican women will get fat on you quickly and these diets surely do not help their genetic inclination. But I digress for the object lesson, which is education on the American woman whose new goal is to be the ‘World’s Fattest’ and all the feminist media supporting all oru women doing the same thing.
Salad With Bacon, Cheese And Chicken=1,479 cals.
Since when is salad supposed to be unhealthy? I remember a point in time where girls would yell, “Like, Becky, gag me with a spoon’ and they would have gag-a-thons, seeing who could upchuck the most leaves as quickly as possible. Those days were golden and women were just more morally fit back then. What trough serves up bacon and chicken to a woman in her salad?
12 Tacos=4,906 cals.
2-Liter Of Soda=800 cals.
8 Scoops Of Ice Cream=2,080 cals.
Pan Of Brownies=1,200 cals.
A GRAND TOTAL OF 21,962 CALORIE