• Growling, Hissing Lead Singer of Asking Alexandria Arrested for Vampirism?

    August 16, 2011 3:00 am 72 comments

    Only days after CW Global reports of Asking Alexandria masterminding the “Twilight Uprising’ riots in London, the league singer has revealed his full self and we see the spirit of Vlad Tepes masquerades as an emo named Sam L Bensley, the dread lead singer of this vile band.

    According to shocking reports, Bensley purportedly broke into a woman’s home in the 7800 block of Seawall Boulevard. According to terrified police in Galveston, Texas, the man was able to ‘wisp’ through their barricades and lines of fire. It was not until a priest came in to do an ancient chant and brandish garlic about did Asking Alexandria’s lead singer relent, hissing and growling the same noises infamously typifying this band’s horrendous ‘music’.

    Unfortunately, this happened only after Bensley was found in the woman’s home, wearing boxers and trying to bite the woman’s neck. While this bloody neckbiting theme is common in the LSD-infused bodies that attend of EDM concerts, for a normal person, these people and these actions are purely terrifying.

    After Bensley was arrested, he reportedly told police he was a vampire. This much seems to be true. Bond for Bensley has been set at $40,000.

    Fans of Asking Alexandria tend to be pale and effiminate, due to believing they are the ‘lost children of Alexander’s bane’, a name given to a cult of blood-letting Persian rebels who stood fast against Christianity’s Alexander the Great. Lack of sunlight makes Asking Alexandria fans subject to depression and angry outburts, their Circadian rhythm’s errant cycling causing them hallucinations and poor taste in music.

    No other attacks are documented at time of report.

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    About The Author
    Brad Haegelmann Bradford Haegelmann is a current student of marketing and a lover of life. When he's not relishing in the beauty of California's coast, he is sharing his passion for life and knowledge through his writing. Brad is also a spiritual life advisor at his local university.

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