1. Does it hurt when you poop? This is Jesus telling a man (or woman) that his anus is never to be enjoyed. You should feel spiritually blessed when defecation is painful as it is a sin to enjoy anything from the area. God is just reminding you that your butthole is there to remove the sinful wastes of your body.
2. Have you looked at your scrambled eggs lately? In the dark ages, God would speak to people through the reading of entrails. In modern America it is difficult to get fresh entrails so Jesus has resorted to sending his message through the death of unborn birds. Chickens fornicate indiscriminately and have many sexual partners. It is proven that God hates chickens because he forces them to leave their unborn babies exposed to the world. A true believer will devour those eggs and digest them through his purified bowels. Before you put those eggs in your mouth, take a good look at them though. Jesus might be sending you an email.
3. Do you prematurely ejaculate? This is a powerful message from the good Lord Jesus. He’s telling you that sex is for the creation of his children and not to be prolonged. You and your wife should be thankful that this happens so you can remove yourself from any true enjoyment of sex. The defiled whorelots of the world would have you believe otherwise and possibly mock you for this blessing.
4. Did you want to punch a gay, but didn’t? The message from God is simple, but twofold. It is important to revile the gay, but also important to show your dedication to God by not acting on impulse. Because that is exactly what the gays do.
5. Did you forget to wear deodorant at the gym? Sometimes this happens and you cannot smell yourself until someone points out your stench. This is to remind you that the dirty sin hole of a woman must be cleaned because they are not aware of how bad they smell. A woman was born of man because without Adam, there could have been no Eve. Since God took one of Adams ribs to make Eve, so doest he form her vagina from his armpit.
6. Did a homeless person ask you for money? It is obvious that the homeless are looked down upon by Jesus because of the situation they are in. Especially if that homeless person is a Chinese Communist. Keep your spiritual ears open my fellow lover of Christ! Jesus is telling you to be thankful that you weren’t born Chinese. He’s telling you that Jesus loves you because you aren’t homeless. Don’t denigrate the Lords currency by giving it to a sin-addled plebian who will only spend it on cups full of hate juice.
7. Do you find it funny when a poor person loses their home? God is talking to you through your heart. Emotions are God’s way of letting you know you’re doing something right. Obviously these people would not have lost their sin dens to the banks if they had properly repented.
These are but 7 holy ways to listen to the Good Lord above. There are many different ways that the Lord speaks to many different people. A desire to interpret anything with a truly religious mind will help you find his message. Just this morning I was eating alphabet soup for breakfast and had the letters H, C and G in my spoon at the same time. If you rearrange the order to G, H and then C the message is simple. God Hates Communists. I then took this message my flock for He cannot be ignored when he doeth speak.