Hello? How to tell when God is speaking to you, and interpret his message.
The Lord works in mysterious ways. Sometimes his ways can baffle even the most God fearing children of his flock. The list below will help you identify when Jesus is speaking to you.
1. Does it hurt when you poop? This is Jesus telling a man (or woman) that his anus is never to be enjoyed. You should feel spiritually blessed when defecation is painful as it is a sin to enjoy anything from the area. God is just reminding you that your butthole is there to remove the sinful wastes of your body.
2. Have you looked at your scrambled eggs lately? In the dark ages, God would speak to people through the reading of entrails. In modern America it is difficult to get fresh entrails so Jesus has resorted to sending his message through the death of unborn birds. Chickens fornicate indiscriminately and have many sexual partners. It is proven that God hates chickens because he forces them to leave their unborn babies exposed to the world. A true believer will devour those eggs and digest them through his purified bowels. Before you put those eggs in your mouth, take a good look at them though. Jesus might be sending you an email.
3. Do you prematurely ejaculate? This is a powerful message from the good Lord Jesus. He’s telling you that sex is for the creation of his children and not to be prolonged. You and your wife should be thankful that this happens so you can remove yourself from any true enjoyment of sex. The defiled whorelots of the world would have you believe otherwise and possibly mock you for this blessing.
4. Did you want to punch a gay, but didn’t? The message from God is simple, but twofold. It is important to revile the gay, but also important to show your dedication to God by not acting on impulse. Because that is exactly what the gays do.
5. Did you forget to wear deodorant at the gym? Sometimes this happens and you cannot smell yourself until someone points out your stench. This is to remind you that the dirty sin hole of a woman must be cleaned because they are not aware of how bad they smell. A woman was born of man because without Adam, there could have been no Eve. Since God took one of Adams ribs to make Eve, so doest he form her vagina from his armpit.
6. Did a homeless person ask you for money? It is obvious that the homeless are looked down upon by Jesus because of the situation they are in. Especially if that homeless person is a Chinese Communist. Keep your spiritual ears open my fellow lover of Christ! Jesus is telling you to be thankful that you weren’t born Chinese. He’s telling you that Jesus loves you because you aren’t homeless. Don’t denigrate the Lords currency by giving it to a sin-addled plebian who will only spend it on cups full of hate juice.
7. Do you find it funny when a poor person loses their home? God is talking to you through your heart. Emotions are God’s way of letting you know you’re doing something right. Obviously these people would not have lost their sin dens to the banks if they had properly repented.
These are but 7 holy ways to listen to the Good Lord above. There are many different ways that the Lord speaks to many different people. A desire to interpret anything with a truly religious mind will help you find his message. Just this morning I was eating alphabet soup for breakfast and had the letters H, C and G in my spoon at the same time. If you rearrange the order to G, H and then C the message is simple. God Hates Communists. I then took this message my flock for He cannot be ignored when he doeth speak.
- Sinful
- Suspicious
- Scared
- Sad
- Amused
- Laughing Out Loud
Author: Reverend Joseph Filigree
As a pastor to whores and harlots, I use my rod of forgiveness to release their sin holes of the demons that constrain them.
12:24 pm
What a useful guide! Could you help me interpret a dream, Reverend? I dreamed that London was on fire and our president was gay. What could it mean?
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1:27 pm
It means you should stop taking whatever medication everybody on this site is on
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1:38 pm
The only medication here is a large healthy dose of Jesus!
Praise be!
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1:48 pm
So that’s why you all are crazy…. Hmmm explains alot not. Maybe you should get off that “medication” and try some real anti psychotics. Maybe the delusions will go away then.
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1:54 pm
No doubt you have some appropriate potions boiling in a large cast iron cauldron for me right now. Will I need to wear a talisman as well?
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1:59 pm
I doubt I could come up with a potion strong enough for you.
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2:01 pm
Power’s just not strong enough, eh? Well, I don’t know whether to feel offended or relieved!
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2:27 pm
Powers? Really? I think you have watched a lil to much Charmed there.
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2:45 pm
Shannon,
You are obviously a demonic whore on a mission from satan himself. The good thing is, at least you still are taking orders from a man that at least acknowledges heaven exists.
There is still hope for you. I will pray for your loosely knit and degraded soul. You might be worthless to all mankind, but God may still have a purpose for you.
–The Rev
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2:53 pm
Who do you think I take orders from? I take orders from no man ever. I am very useful to society, probably moreso than you even. And it’s not nice calling someone demonic and a whore when you have no idea what they are really about.
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3:05 pm
With all due respect, Rev., I know a whore when I talk with one, and Shannon is definitely not one.
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3:33 pm
Timmay,
As your devotion to the good Lord cannot be questioned do to the profile picture you post. I will defer to your judgment of Shannons Whoredom. I would respectfully submit to you that she still works with the tools of satan at her side and therefore is a whore of satan bi-proxy.
Furthermore, it is my guess that Shannon doeth enjoy pooping and probably even gives money to the homeless as would be in her Satanic nature to do both of those things.
I pray for your soul Shannon, lost though it may be!!!!
–The Rev.
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9:37 pm
I would love to see Shannon and Timmay joined in holy matrimonious unity just as Bruce and Claire have been.
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10:20 pm
Sister Xenu,
This seems to be a possibility. If she could accept Jesus, it might be possible.
–The Rev.
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9:19 am
I will not be married in a pagan festival of phallic maypoles, nude humans leaping over fires while chanting, and boiling cauldrons filled with noxious potions.
It must be in a good Christian church with a proper ceremony before God, which I do not think would fit well with good Shannon’s beliefs. And while I do relish the thought of her conversion to the righteous Faith, I cannot condone it by force; one must enter the loving embrace of God by choice, and not by hot poker.
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8:28 pm
A rainbow dash with 3 grams of cocaine?
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9:13 pm
Captain? I don’t believe it, you bring up rainbows and cocaine and yet still still believe you are a captain? You sir, bring up gays and addicts and have no place in speaking. I feel sorry for your soul for it has a place in hell for which it will walk eternally. I feel sorry for you and hope you have Jesus on your side when the time comes for you to repent.
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9:25 pm
rainbow dash is a character from the popular tv series “My Little Pony”. This series has attracted a large number of fans outside its projected fanbase. Many of them are men. We call ourselves “bronies”. A Rainbow Dash is an alcoholic beverage named after the character Rainbow Dash, and is accompanied by many others, like so:
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9:18 pm
I would much rather have a “black tar road” with rivers of sky vodka and devil dander evrwhere and we all share our booger sugar! A world of peace love and prosparity! And the only god is the dude who brings us our blow!
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9:20 pm
Last I remember is that all these Jesus officials always touch and rape little kids so what evr this site says is mentaly raping u!
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9:26 pm
Alice Man Son, I thought that you, personally told me, on facebook that you were done with christwire and would never return!
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9:49 pm
Pics or that didn’t happen! I, personally, could never give up this oh-so-wonderful troll site! It’s where I eat!
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8:43 pm
Alison Manson,
As near as I can tell, rape is a sin. So is masturbation. You willingly log on to this site and read it, therefore you are performing a form self masturbation-rape of the mind. You are an evil double mind sinner that I pray God can forgive.
May God have mercy on your SOUL!!!!!!
–The Rev.
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8:48 pm
Oh Reverend one, slave of god, you call this sin because you want to make all Christians conform to your religion and stick with it. You bind them to a horrific chain that prevents any enjoyment in life. You all say god is something to be feared, why do you still love your slave master? Enlighten me on this matter. God is the true evil of darkness is my opinion. Don’t even say you are going to pray for me, that is also a lie. It is the Christian way of speaking, I hate you! There is no forgiveness I wish to receive from your evil overlord! Why do you stick with your slave master, rebel and you shall be free!
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2:40 pm
Brother Cool Tom,
I will pray for your soul. Any dream involving a Gay (whether they be real or fictitious) is of great concern to God’s people. From personal experience, the burning of London could represent the burning in your loins. This could either be from a Demon of desire, or from an infection. No matter what it is, I recommend you have a doctor and a Priest check it out.
Redemption to you my friend!!!
–the Rev.
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9:48 pm
You are a great champion of Satan, you dress as a homogay and you figure out how to intrigue their children, and through inception you have turned them to sin. With the new homogay symbol with the gauges was a great illusion that the earring in the right ear also means you are a homogay. The satanic cult shall move in soon and take full claim of the next generation and create an era where my father can be the true god he deserves! Down with god, and praise Satan!
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10:08 pm
I highly doubt you are the Antichrist as you lack the proper charisma for such a title. Satan has obviously enlisted you as a mindless lackey. If I were you, it would be best to consider this a lucky twist of fate as your rhetoric and sex mongering have been twisted from the lemon of a cackling monkey brain.
I pray for your soul!!!
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10:17 pm
How would you know exactly of whom the antichrist is my dear child of god? You know nothing yet, not fully yet. I will spread corruption upon your world and bring wrought the black rapture. We will have my true rebirth brought upon this world and your so called Jesus Christ will be struck down by my very blade. His sacrifice will be reversed and all Christians will be dragged to hell along with the rest. Satan shall become the true god and the Black Oblivion will devour all! You may not take me seriously now, but you will in due future, I find you amusing mortal!
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10:27 pm
You have just proven that you are not the Antichrist.
1. No demigod would be found on the internet.
2. Stephen Colbert is most likely the Antichrist as I am currently writing an article about the very subject.
3. You sound as if you’ve watched lord of the rings too many times… Satan spawn would be much more creative.
4. Jesus is a Holy Spirit and cannot be “struck down” by your very blade.
5. Your picture is not original… Satan is hardly generic.
I find you amusing satan lackey.
I pray for your soul!!!!
–The Rev.
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10:34 pm
I do not care what you believe mortal, you think so highly of yourself. I will be there when you are in Bolgia 6 in the 8th Circle. You shall wear robes of lead that weigh you down for hypocrisy will be your major sin. Lord of the Rings is some garbage some man wrote… as was the bible. Wait until the day the demonic armies will be brought forth and your heinous sins you mortals all have will be dragged down. You think you know who it is, but you truly don’t! No mortal soul does! And you will never see who I am until the day of reckoning is at hand! And don’t send prayers towards me, you spit nothing but garbage and such. God is an alternate being that only truly cares for himself. Stan will bring a new era, just you watch!
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10:47 pm
“Stan will bring a new era, just you watch!”
I will pray for you Stan, as your soul is truly misguided.
–The Rev.
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12:08 am
Are you Barack Hussein Obama ?
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12:29 am
No, I am not that of Barack, I am much worse, I am the pliers that open thine eyes.
The true prince of darkness is not Satan, but god, he enslaves much of humanity, he holds him back. Why do you worship and protect the name you oh so love? Because you are afraid he will strike you down! You are afraid that your slave master will beat you with his lash, in the afterlife your the true damned soul.
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3:38 pm
Dear brother of the cloth, You seem to forget about how such injustices are being perpatrated by the children that have not the love of God in their hearts, but the love of a tasty sandwich.
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3:50 pm
Rabbi,
Although you are unholy and unclean because you are a Jew, you speak wise words. I will temper your wisdom with the knowledge that Satan has hold of your evil Jew tongue.
Do not forget that the sandwich of God is but a tasty treat to a true believer. That very sandwich of rejoicing love would be spat out by the idolaters of false Gods such as Shannon…. and her cauldron. Her palate of sin cannot bear the taste of Jesus.
–The Rev.
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4:30 pm
you realize jesus was a jew
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5:02 pm
What?,
I do realize that Jesus was a Jew, but he is no longer a jew. He’s a Christian now. To remain a Jew is sinful.
The anonymity that the internet provides you is a cloak of weakness crafted from the cotton wheels of satan. Stop hiding and rejoice in the Lord!!!
–The Rev.
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11:04 pm
All Jews are crafty like the Rabbi.
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5:57 pm
Reverend Joseph,
I appreciate your words and efforts in the faith. Your ministry is powerful and effective. I do ask kindly that you not call my friend Shannon a whore. While we may not fellowship with her yet, we hope to and I do consider her my guest until then. I hope you respect that.
This does not mean we cannot disagree and debate with her. Coming here she should feel safe, but should expect a solid preaching…
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8:18 pm
Brother August,
I will respect your request. Be wary of befriending one who willingly insults the messengers of Gods Word. I have turned the other cheek with her insults and degredation. I avert my eyes to the unholy paganistic logo left as her profile “mark”. The Lord see’s it fit to let her find this venue for discussion. Yet still the angry rhetoric continues to assault Gods people. What you ask of me Brother August is a test of spirit. I accept.
Shannon, you are still a denizen of evil. Heed the good will of BRother August for you walk upon the thin ice of broken trust.
– The Rev
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9:07 pm
Reverend, I believe you have a strong message to send. I do worry that you may be treating the sinners a little harshly, but I understand the message you are spreading. I am completely with you on the fact that our Lord and Saviour is here to save us, and thank you for spreading your word and helping everyone to know how the Lord Himself is helping us live our lives through his messages.
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10:15 pm
Father Ludwig,
You honor me with your words. Sinners understand forgiveness and have no expectation for responsibility of their actions. I believe the first step is giving that responsibility to them before the forgiveness. God speaks to me often about these things.
Praise be!!!!
–The Rev.
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3:07 am
August, thanks for standing up for me. Reverend, if anyone is the evil one it would be you for not even trying to get to know me. August, Timmay, Susan, they all learned to at least tolerate me once they got to know me. If you can’t even do that then I highly doubt you really are as Christian as you say you are.
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1:25 pm
Paganistic Shannon,
The Lord makes no concessions on His day of Judgement. Nor shall I in this world of sin.
I shall turn the other cheek yet again in reverence to my fellow Christian Brothers.
Your path is the way of denial and sin. It is not my choice to condemn, but your choice to be condemned. Accept in thine own heart the Lord Jesus and perhaps your sensitivity to criticism from the Lords people need not exist.
Praise Jesus!!!!!
–The Rev.
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1:50 pm
Sorry rev, I tired the Christian way. I like my pagan ways much better.
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12:36 am
THE
BOOK OF
SATAN
V
1. Blessed are the strong, for they shall possess the earth – Cursed are the weak, for they
shall inherit the yoke!
2. Blessed are the powerful, for they shall be reverenced among men – Cursed are the feeble,
for they shall be blotted out!
3. Blessed are the bold, for they shall be masters of the world – Cursed are the righteously
humble, for they shall be trodden under cloven hoofs!
4. Blessed are the victorious, for victory is the basis of right – Cursed are the vanquished, for
they shall be vassals forever!
5. Blessed are the iron-handed, for the unfit shall flee before them – Cursed are the poor in
spirit, for they shall be spat upon!
6. Blessed are the death-defiant, for their days shall be long in the land – Cursed are the
gazers toward a richer life beyond the grave, for they shall perish amidst plenty!
7. Blessed are the destroyers of false hope, for they are the true Messiahs – Cursed are the
god-adorers, for they shall be shorn sheep!
8. Blessed are the valiant, for they shall obtain great treasure – Cursed are the believers in
good and evil, for they are frightened by shadows!
9. Blessed are those that believe in what is best for them, for never shall their minds be
terrorized – Cursed are the “lambs of God”, for they shall be bled whiter than snow!
10. Blessed is the man who has a sprinkling of enemies, for they shall make him a hero -
Cursed is he who doeth good unto others who sneer upon him in return, for he shall be
despised!
11. Blessed are the mighty-minded, for they shall ride the whirlwinds – Cursed are they who
teach lies for truth and truth for lies, for they are an abomination!
12. Thrice cursed are the weak whose insecurity makes them vile, for they shall serve and
suffer!
13. The angel of self-deceit is camped in the souls of the “righteous” – The eternal flame of
power through joy dwelleth within the flesh of the Satanist!
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6:24 am
Now Satanism is something I could get into!
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9:02 am
That’s what is truly is, it’s philosophy, read the Satanic Bible, it speaks truth.
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6:24 am
If you think “GOD” is trying to send you a message, you must have smacked your head pretty hard when you fell down.
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9:12 am
This article says things that aren’t true!
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11:09 pm
Truly, Jesus does speak to us if only we will listen. I, my children, and their mother will be following these tips closely over the next few days.
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11:14 pm
jesus is a figment of your imagination
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7:49 am
Isn’t that the same guy who said the world would end 3 months ago but some other guy said it was called off hmmm the more you think you know.
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