• Jersey Shore: Two thumbs up from Jesus!

    August 13, 2011 8:14 pm 24 comments
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  • In a rare twist of faith, Jesus recently gave two thumbs up to the well-known satanic verses of Jersey Shore. He sent his message to a group of Christians on a late Sunday afternoon after giving their devotionals and heading home from Church.

    “Jesus just whispered in my ear” said a Mrs. Susan Leftenbergerheinz who was obviously brought to tears by the message from Christ. She went on to say, “He just said that Jersey Shore is awesome. I wasn’t the only one to hear it either.” The group of ten people walking down the street all heard the same message, but none of them understand why.
    It wasn’t until later that day when they called their Reverend to consult on the matter that it all began to make sense. Jesus is everywhere at all times and he isn’t known for his commentary on today’s satanic pop culture. When he weighs in, there is an important message for every Christian. Taking a good hard look at the cast and their behavior provides all the answers we need.

    The general theme of Jersey Shore simply follows the degrading and sickening lives of eight physically and spiritually disgusting souls. Through the rampant use of Steroids, drug abuse and random sexual acts they receive funding from MTV to live a modern day life of Sodom and Gomorrah. The strangle hold that Satan has upon today’s pop culture has never been more evident than in this single disgusting show. Jesus loves this show because satan’s attempt to dissuade young people from the Lord through Jersey Shore is a pathetic failure. (just like “the situation’s” rap single)

    A short description of the half the cast will outline why Jesus finds the show so funny. The four mentioned below warrant a definitive moral outlining. The four that aren’t talked about below (Jwoww, Vinny, Sammi and Deena) lack even the most basic communication skills. It is impossible to discern any actual message from their behavior. Realizing this, is also realizing why Jesus adores them on the show. To love satan and yourself more than Jesus is the act of abomination. In that act, you sacrifice free will to that of a more basal life. Their actions on the show unequivocally demonstrate how a total immersion in self-satisfaction and whoremongering will result in becoming a rock eating gas back with a 1 pound brain.

    >>I realize that many of you that have not found the light of God are reading this thinking a 1 pound brain is impressive. I am sure that it is to you, but I assure you it is nothing to brag about.<<<

    Mike “The Situation” – Is a self centered ego maniac who worships the devil in the form of steroid abuse and grand acts of small penile compensation. The Lord grants his male followers a well endowed man part to help them stay on the righteous path. This divine rod of faith keeps them from needing to act in a compensatory manner. The gigantic misshapen nose that Mike pretends is normal is no normal act of God. Being born with a normal nose, it wasn’t until his later years that the nose began to deform. A common side effect of massive masturbation is physical deformation. It has been reported that the whole reason he’s called “the situation” was because he created one every time anything with girl parts entered the room. His unquenchable need for masturbation created the most difficult situations for anyone to handle. At the age of 14 he was caught with two goats (one male, one female), a gallon of melted swiss cheese, an old broom and both hands in his anus. Mike’s bulbous nose, low IQ and physical molestation of fame seeking whorelots makes him a perfect player in this world of weakness. His extremely low level of intelligence is highly outlined by his pathetic attempts at creating devil music. Even the fans of this degrading rhetoric deny “The Situation” from any real acknowledgement of talent by ignoring his efforts. For him to believe that he’s capable of anything creative and entertaining is the obvious incest of ego-mania and idiocy. Jesus enjoys watching satan’s child fumble his way through life because it helps his Christians in their path. Mike speaks to a Christians’ heart with these simple words: “Ignore Jesus and you will be ugly and stupid like me!”

    Pauly “D”—Is a powerful message of what sin does to you. Like all the other members of Jersey Shore, he believes himself to be talented and physically attractive. Being born short and uncoordinated, he attempts to make himself taller by using several pounds of radioactive hair products. It seems that not even his fellow cast members will tell him that these actions don’t actually make him taller. He purchased his own tanning bed so he could also make himself look more like a black. Through all his efforts, he only made himself look like a wind blown Chinese devil cat that has just been blasted in the face by satan’s seed. His nick name “D” was given to him by a group of travelling gypsy homogays about six years ago. Pauly was but a young teenager and had not yet walked the path of the unforgiven. He gladly accepted every single “D” from all of them into his “A”. After several hours of relentless pounding, he took the name in honor of them. Pauly’s message to God’s people is very simple: “Ignore Jesus and you will be ugly and stupid like me!”

    Ronnie – Shows the world how satan’s goal is only to make you an evil mongoloid of destruction. Known for his violent antics and penchant for punching himself in the man part, he embodies one of satans less useful warriors. Ronnie has quick become cannon fodder for satan in his battle for the Heavens. These soldiers of the devil are made to believe that they are indestructible and have the hearts of lions (which is a large cat and therefore evil). Through the use of steroids and power of satan, Ronnie has achieved a daunting physical stature. The size and strength he posess cost him dearly. It is rumored that a Ken doll has more up front than he does. Several photographs of him crying while holding a fake penis have surfaced in the past few months. Satan believes that taking away their man parts makes them more angry and easier to control, this seems to hold true with Ronnie. Though Ronnies physical stature may be daunting, he is weak minded, quits easily, and can be distracted with a picture of a taco if you tell him it’s a vagina. Most of his fights have broken out simply because there was a misunderstanding about what his name actually was. Ronnie’s actual name is Dexter Anusface Jones. This name was given to him by his parents because Ronnie was born with a common disorder of no one actually caring about him. As a small child, Ronnie would trade sexual favors to Chinese for drugs. He then used those drugs in an attempt to buy affection from his parents. It never worked. Originally, Jesus felt bad for Ronnie but later realized that he’s a better tool for God in the hands of satan. Ronnie’s message to God’s people is: “Ignore Jesus and you will be ugly and stupid like me!”

    Snooki—Perhaps the most well known cow faced satan baby in America today. Her desire to be a whore is outweighed only by her desire for carbohydrates (the mo’ simple, the mo’ better). Her shining example of what will become of any woman that does not put her faith in God has now become a weapon of God’s arsenal. The name Snooki is synonymous with infected bovine vagina. The two things are entirely interchangeable because they are one and the same. It is reputed that the greatest contribution Snooki has made to her country is her piggy like ability to sniff out a penis and a sandwich under any condition. With the simple bribery of two twinkies and a can of frosting, she was able to locate Ronnie’s penis that had long been thought to not actually exist. On numerous occasions Snooki’s vagina has actually devoured small animals. Three different times she had a small cat as a pet. Three different times that kitten was cannibalistically devoured by her leaking fly trap.

    It is easy to see now why Jesus would love this show so much. Though it be disgusting to watch, it is a tool of satan that backfired horribly in his scrunchy devil face. Praise Jesus!!!!

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    About The Author
    Reverend Joseph Filigree As a pastor to whores and harlots, I use my rod of forgiveness to release their sin holes of the demons that constrain them.

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