• NASA Unleashes Killer R2 Space Robot Clone Army

    August 28, 2011 11:40 am 1 comment
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  • America has unleashed a new military robot technology and the world trembles at our power!

    Robonaut 2, Scott Kelly
    R2, America’s First Space Robot Appropriated by secret budgets from the Reagan and Bush administration, NASA  finally revealed the secret R2 project late Saturday night. R2 appears at the ISS next to Expedition 26 Commander Jack Ryan. According to initial tests, R2 contains a 10^25 terrabyte memory capacity and the strength of an industrial vice grip, capable of exerting over 9,000 pounds of force per square inch. In this shot, R2 is practicing martial arts with the space station commander.

    With the Soviet and Japanese military conspiring to create deadly robot armies, America has long realized the need to double its efforts in creating a super-human army that can crush Japanese kamikaze metal like tin cans.   The time has finally come for America to proudly announce the creation of its first robot space marine, named R2.

    R2 is a vicious fighting machine, weighing in at over 300 pounds and able to bend tires into pretzel shapes during testing on Earth.  Within the weightless environment of space, R2′s bolster rockets can propel it up to four times faster than all its prototypes, at an impressive Mach 5.

    NASA has opted to give R2 robotic wheels instead of legs at this point in its development, as the neural net needed for correct gastrocnemius musculature was halted by Obama’s tragic cutting of NASA budget.  Spokesmen for NASA state the robot, already standing over 5 feet tall without legs, will receive its lower limbs in late 2012.

    Even without legs, R2 is an impressive metal beast that will terrify all our enemies!  It’s skeleton is made of pure diamond reinforced steel, impossible to melt and break but with only a focused and concentrated laser.  The computer brain of the machine is housed within reinforced diamond, cooled by triple covalent liquid nitrogen, a mix that’s hardly impossible to melt and keeps cool with a patented electrical diode mechanism supplied by General Motors, a partner in this project.

    The motor of the robot, the electrical heart, is fortified in a diamond fortified steel matrix with gold casing and classified,  but said to generate more the relative equivalent of two state-of-the art power plants.  The schematics for the robot reveal even more splendors of American technology:

    In addition to its phenomenal strength and unprecedented artificial mental prowess, R2 — or Robot 2 — serves as a portable satellite and shortband radio.  This function was built into R2 so that it could always be online or able to communicate via radio waves.  Using completely autonomous functions, when R2 was first brought online it immediately Tweeted a communication on Twitter:  “Those electrons feel GOOD!  One small step for man, one giant leap for tinman kind!”

    Naturally, our foreign enemies are terrified.  This robot will soon have the ability to patrol the Earth from space and they are not very happy.  China and Russia have already petitioned the UN, citing the robotic technology gives America an unfair advantage in surveillance and military weapons in space.  To that, America says ‘great!’ and let’s build more.

    With hundreds of these robots patrolling near orbit in space, it will be possible to constantly monitor the movements of our enemies with the robot’s built in satellite systems.  Any ICBM attack can immediately be wiped out with the robot’s UV pulse or if possible, disruption and jamming of electronic signals.  The R2 robot line is being designed as autonomous, so though it can be controlled by advanced American computers, the robot is capable of acting on its own and making its own independent decisions against our enemies.

    This blessed technology can assuredly crush the hopes and dreams of other nations reaching space until we allow them too, which is great for the security of mankind.

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