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Stinky Town Rejects Stinky Phish Hippies Bathing in Public Fountains
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“Shacks, Blue collar trash, and crime. Add in traffic, oil refineries, and the smell of fresh petrol with a truck stop and there you have Commerce City. The name speaks for itself. If you like pollution, this is the place for you.”
The sleepy village of Commerce, Colorado, isn’t embracing the onslaught of long hair’d dope doers for the upcoming Phish concert in the the big Dick’s Sporting Goods Park. City officials will be shutting off municipal water services to the parks’ adjacent fountains.
As many studies show, the Hippius Homosaphish or ‘Hippie’ is a twilight trailer or tent dweller with genetic familial relationship to the European gypsy or Roma. Typically a non-conforming breed, these nomadic creatures are omnivores with sunken optical sockets and gaping word holes that limit phonometric syllable translation by the layman. The Hippie exhibits social bonding that rejects local customs and mores, preferring to form personal relationships around drug availability and something called the Bogart Standard.
The Bogart Standard is an ethos driven by method and means for chemical procurement and ingestion. The Hippie, in layman’s terms, surrounds itself with those that freely share body polluting medications and herbal remedies not approved by government regulating agencies. The clash between this standard of conduct and the Commerce City leaders is the heart of the controversy.
This Hippie adherence to the Bogart Standard is a concern for the citizens of Commerce City. Fear of having fountains laced with LSD or other psychedelic drugs prompted the initial water shut off. Once it was discovered LSD is sensitive to oxygen, ultraviolet light, and chlorine officials became concerned with odor control and the leaching of toxic Hippie smells lingering in the town long after the sideshow leaves.
Commerce City citizens and leaders have fought a losing battle with the smells of petroleum production for nearly 50 years. Known as Colorado’s stinkiest city, a new generation of leaders seeks to finaly put to rest questions of ‘What is that smell’? Today, the town has some of the strictest doggy poo scooping statutes in the nation. Stacks of flaming petroleum waste overlook dog parks where violators of the town’s pooper scooper laws are fined for polluting the public lands.
At least the Commerce City stench is the smell of success and not the foul odor of unwashed hippie funk.
3:41 pm
LCD is so ungodly, disgusting and sinful. Serves those phishy sinners right. I haven’t done Acid in months.
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3:47 pm
I have on occasion used glycolic acid for a refreshed complexion, but I don’t adhere to this ‘Bogart Standard’.
How will we ever increase consumer demand if everyone shares stuff?
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3:57 pm
Hey assholes how are you doing today? Oh my Satan is doing great, he’s actually sitting next to me in the shape of my dog, I renamed it Tuesday(:
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3:45 pm
It’ll leave those druggies like “a phish out of water.” Ha ha ha ho ho.
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4:00 pm
I guess the Phish people are too high on LCD to play on their computers, unlike the emosexuals, who like to watch suicide videos all day long. This means no comments from Phish people.
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4:04 pm
What can they really comment on? Everything is factual and true.
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4:12 pm
retard.
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5:19 pm
This is a load of horse crap!
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6:31 pm
Alison and EmoSB,
I appreciate you both posting your thoughts and impressions on this important subject. While I am unable to comprehend the point, I’m sure they were made in the spirit of inquiry and continued learning.
I think you will find that the subject of fountain shut off was covered by the Denver Post as well as garnered national attention.
http://www.denverpost.com/news/ci_18704487
Kind regards,
BB
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6:36 pm
Yackady yackady yackady yackady yak! Blah blah blah! XP
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1:56 pm
Alison, general concern for a town’s well being when faced with the Onslaught of a Cult of Devil worshipers is not something to joke about.
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1:16 am
im going to say something that is against all my Christian upbringing and say…
FUCK YOU, AL MANSON!
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1:55 am
Well well well! EllO.o to u too monkey face long time no see and it’s ok I love that kind of language! Still mad and hating? Well guess what!
The freaks, the faggots, the geeks, the savages
The rogues, the rebels, the dissident devils
The artists, the martyrs and all the fire starters
Break free from this hell, stand up and rebel
Be proud of being different, speak loud and admit it
Look hot and dangerous, be strong or you’ll get dissed
Don’t ever forget; haters make us famous
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10:40 am
Factual? I go to Phish, don’t smell, have a job where I’m sure I am more prosperous than you and have a family. Also sure that all my friends who go to concerts as well are better people and better off than you as well. Too bad you entire website is based on fiction and something that isn’t real.
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11:40 am
By better off, I can only assume you mean they have found faith in Jesus.
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2:28 pm
I believe in many things, but Phish and Allah are at the top of the list. Deal with it, and please stay closed minded. At least you probably vote the right way…praise be to Allah.
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7:07 pm
I can’t take writing for this lame website that clearly just rips off the whole concept of The Onion, so I’m taking my own life.
Goodbye cruel world!
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3:48 am
My uncle lives near the Alpine Valley Music Theater in East Troy, Wisconsin. He works at a slaughter house and drives past a paper plant on his way home and even he was offended by the smell of the Phish fans when they stormed into town for one of their fests. I didn’t believe him, thinking he was insane or going senile but when the wind currents wafted toward the homestead from the east, I almost vomited from the smell of the dirty hippies.
It can only imagine the stench that the people of commerce city must put up with especially when those sweaty the phish fans twirl and jump around in the hot festering summer sun. I almost heaved up my turkey pot pie at the thought.
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2:30 pm
Commerce City already stinks like ass…dumbass.
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9:16 am
Sadly, these “fountains of sin” are the closest the Phish people come to taking a bath.
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9:29 pm
“Phish people.” Now I want Ben & Jerry’s. Nuts.
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9:25 am
this article appears @ a website called Christwire.org? that’s sad.. I’ve never seen such anti-christian, condemning behavior. thats great. hippies need a bath. we get it. funny. neat joke. is that new? did u write that? is that christ-like? i just threw up a little in my mouth. i hope the douche who wrote this article gets hit by a car driven by an 80-yo nun.
proper.
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9:56 am
Wishing someone to get hit by a car is a very evil wish Corey, I hope you find your peace in our Lord Jesus.
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10:39 am
Jesus was a carpenter, he is no Lord, and there is no God, the sooner you get used to that the better it will be when you die and go no where but to rot in a hole in the ground.
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11:11 am
Prove it, Jeff.
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10:08 am
Thees phishermen mudderfuckers come round my towne not too long ago. sportin them long hairs with the beeswax dredlocks tawkin about dat LCD and some kinda other sensy milla or somethin , tryin to sell me some kinda blue stain fungus. they was smellin like that patchoolo ole too. One of em even had his eye on ma sister Peggy. His poopils was so die lated he didn even see me comin. Kracked him upside the head real good wit daddy’s 22. im telling y’all the only good phishermans a dead one. Ima be politikal correct seein as its 2006 an’ all, them mudderfuckers worse than you know who…(them folks that don’t need no sunblock if y’all catch my drift). Alrite y’all, see yas on sunday at church. make shure y’all wear your newest cleenest wife beeters and jorks, you know i wil
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11:33 am
aww shucks, i forget to tell yall the best part. when i beat that freek with daddie’s .22 i stand over him and said listen here freek i rekkin you dunno the rulez round here. if anybody gone fuk my sister, it’s gone be me gosh darnitt!!!! he got soo scaired he shat himself. my mouth may smell like peggy’s blood a couple days outta the month but boy that aint nothin compared to him. boy did that feak smell after that. putrid shit came outta him smelled like ganjer goo balls and fermentated bean boreetos. Can i get an Amen??
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6:35 pm
I blame it on Colorado’s librul pot laws. Probably bought them braincell destroyin’ marywanna grass n LSD wit dem welfare monies. Gettin librully stoned on mah dime! They should dare set em librul commie paws in mah neck of the woods I’ll blow em a new homo orifice wit ma shottie!
Good Ole Jesus Boy out…
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10:36 pm
Hippies are cool.
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12:59 pm
Wait. I thought they were called THE Phish. C’mon Christwire People! Get your non facts straight!!!!
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10:06 am
Floaty’s comment is best…
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9:27 pm
That city…. is that Midgar?
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8:51 pm
You can certainly see your skills within the paintings you write. The sector hopes for even more passionate writers like you who aren’t afraid to mention how they believe. Always follow your heart.
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