Superman: Man of Steel and Receding Hairline, Movie Review
Rocking a phantom mullet, an allergy plagued squirrel’s snarl of snot-nosed fury and the biggest receding hairline known in Hollywood, Nicholas Cage is terrifying your heart if you are a Superman fan at this moment. Lucky for you, that image I chose to scare you with is a test-shot from an earlier Superman Lives! Movie that would have featured badass polar bears, homosexual robots and at the end, a giant, evil spider to battle Superman. And more badass polar bears.
Jerry, stop making stuff up! I’m not. Kevin Smith will give you the details.
But Nicholas Cage, in that costume, luckily scared everyone and the movie was cancelled. That’s not to say Superman Returns turned out good, because it was boring, but at least it didn’t feature a flying hairline averting crises set up with a heavy hand. And on the subject, is Superman becoming plot-device man these days? It is like everyone suddenly develops the IQ of cappuchin monkey with slight autism when Superman is around.
A crane worker, 25 years Union in New York will suddenly be rendered incompetent, like an old man having a heart attack while reaching for his viagra. Useless, the crane springs out of control and only Superman can resque the crowd who suddenly forget the wisdom ‘get the hell from under the 4 ton object, even if it means leaving behind the baby stroller’ all before the airline pilot develops terrible mouth diarrhea from all the Dave Grohl made coffee.
Whoever is old enough to remember Learn to Fly will also remember the world was saved for disaster when Nick Cage’s Superman was shot down. So, yes, that photo above is not the terror that will be Superman. Following is the terror that is Superman.
They say Nick Cavill is a great actor and of that I have no doubt. But unless he’s channeling Nick Cage as Superman, he needs to get some Rogaine treatment before the movie is released. The Klingon brow will make me think of Picard and then Xmen, hurting the DC Franchise by this movie’s very release. Don’t help Marvel market their movies, DC Comics. Fix Cavill’s hairline before 2013. My $20 is on the line.
- Sinful
- Suspicious
- Scared
- Sad
- Amused
- Laughing Out Loud
Author: Jerry Cohen
JP Cohen
5:29 pm
This “Superman” phenom seems somewhat blasphemous. The only “super man” I know is Jesus. Couldn’t they be making a “Super Jesusman” movie/comic instead? And without the homogay costume? Flowing white robes are much more heavenly.
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6:06 pm
SuperJesus would be awesome. I wonder who the villains would be?
I could see Biden as General Zod and maybe Larry David as a campy Lex Luthor.
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6:51 pm
First photo is photoshopped. Nick Cage was never cast to play Superman, at least I never found that in my research, and I researched Nick Cage for a research paper. Hell, Nicholas Cage isn’t even his real name. Do some freaking research!
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7:02 pm
Umm, was that research for a paper, or for a personal M session? Naughty, naughty!
Praise be!
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7:09 pm
School paper. I had to write a research paper on my favorite actor.
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7:28 pm
Really? Mine was Robert Duval. But i always studied Christian literature so it should be Charleton Heston.
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7:34 pm
Charleton Heston was cool. The Ten Commandments was an awesome movie. I like Nicholas Cage, Taylor Lautner, Hugh Laurie and Jenson Ackles.
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7:55 pm
Jenson Ackles tries too hard and he was killed off that terrible show Smallville for a reason.
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10:54 am
He is on Supernatural, on of my favorite shows. He is sooooooo cute.
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7:57 pm
Kevin Smith is a Hollywood writer. You may have seen his work in movies such as Clerks. Kevin Smith was also hired to write the script for Superman Reborn.
FROM KEVIN SMITH’S OWN MOUTH and in the link Jerry provided, you very clearly hear him say Tim Burton chose Nicholas Cage to play Sueperman in that film. They had a written script and were filming. Fortunately for us all, Warner Brothers decided to nix that film production.
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7:46 pm
Yes, he was awesome in showing the ungodly future we face in Soylent Green.
Praise be@!
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9:18 pm
Just last night I watched “Season of the Witch.” I thought it was a good movie, showing us that within every witch is a satanic demon.
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9:23 pm
HELLZ FUCKIN NO YOU JUST WORSHIPED SATAN BY WATCHING THAT MOVIE YOU BETTER GET SOME FUCKING HOLY WATER FUCKIN FAST
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9:27 pm
That’s stereotyping. Don’t you know that’s wrong?
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10:56 am
Susan, I thought we had stopped that? We have nothing to do with the Christian devil. Nothing. When will you listen?
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10:09 pm
Isn’t Mr. Cage jewish?
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