• Superman: Man of Steel and Receding Hairline, Movie Review

    August 7, 2011 8:53 am 16 comments
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  • Rocking a phantom mullet, an allergy plagued squirrel’s snarl of snot-nosed fury and the biggest receding hairline known in Hollywood, Nicholas Cage is terrifying your heart if you are a Superman fan at this moment.  Lucky for you, that image I chose to scare you with is a test-shot from an earlier Superman Lives! Movie that would have featured badass polar bears, homosexual robots and at the end, a giant, evil spider to battle Superman.  And more badass polar bears.

    Jerry, stop making stuff up!  I’m not.  Kevin Smith will give you the details.

    But Nicholas Cage, in that costume, luckily scared everyone and the movie was cancelled.  That’s not to say Superman Returns turned out good, because it was boring, but at least it didn’t feature a flying hairline averting crises set up with a heavy hand.  And on the subject, is Superman becoming plot-device man these days?  It is like everyone suddenly develops the IQ of cappuchin monkey with slight autism when Superman is around.

    A crane worker, 25 years Union in New York will suddenly be rendered incompetent, like an old man having a heart attack while reaching for his viagra.  Useless, the crane springs out of control and only Superman can resque the crowd who suddenly forget the wisdom ‘get the hell from under the 4 ton object, even if it means leaving behind the baby stroller’ all before the airline pilot develops terrible mouth diarrhea from all the Dave Grohl made coffee.

    Whoever is old enough to remember Learn to Fly will also remember the world was saved for disaster when Nick Cage’s Superman was shot down.  So, yes, that photo above is not the terror that will be Superman.  Following is the terror that is Superman.

    They say Nick Cavill is a great actor and of that I have no doubt.  But unless he’s channeling Nick Cage as Superman, he needs to get some Rogaine treatment before the movie is released.  The Klingon brow will make me think of Picard and then Xmen, hurting the DC Franchise by this movie’s very release.  Don’t help Marvel market their movies, DC Comics.  Fix Cavill’s hairline before 2013.  My $20 is on the line.

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    Jerry Cohen JP Cohen

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