• The Phish Host EDM Identity Rave in Hollywood Bowl, Spastic Sodomy Prevalent

    August 9, 2011 10:06 pm 110 comments

    Phish.jpg
    A Night of Strong Scented Phish 
    Phishettes, the Raver Girls who famously attend EDM hispter scene EDM orgies en masse, lay prostate on the ground as they engage in open acts of ‘phish netting’, that is, letting men cast their rods deeply into their exposed lady parts. Incidence of pregnancies and disease are consistently elevated in regions that allow The Phish raves.

    The Phish is an electronica/hipster music experiment hybrid band that features acid-induced shows with painfully long musical numbers only comprehensible to those intoxicated with the most mind-numbing altering drugs:  marijuana droplets, Magic Quaaludes, uncle happy jack’s cocaine kisses.  You name it, these overaged hippes have it cached backstage and they try to make it cute by giving it out in Pez dispensers at their shows, all so someone will claim their music is actually good and created by talented musicians.

    Social scholar and prominent investigative journalist Stephenson Billings loudly warned everyone about the dangers of The Phish last year and sadly, we see there are many parents who have not heeded his warning.

    While most sensible musicians would argue a twice-drunk Jiminy Cricket could rub his serrated legs together and give a better musical performance than the LSD-inspired guitar flangerings of the wild Trey Anastasio, we see the scene kiddies who attend The Phish EDM raves are never cognizant enough to know the stage is simply amateur drinking buddies wildly banging and strumming for ours on end, waiting for drug needles to render their audience numb and horny, gyrating into massive orgies hidden behind all the marijuana smoke and crack cloud precipitation fleeing down their rosed-up faces in the highest moments of ecstasy.

    Yesterday The Phish threw their 23rd annual Identity Rave and it may be the most debaucherous concert of the year.  Hapless and naive college children are trying to have their last summer flings and are rolling to these events by the hippie busload.   The Phish are wise enough to calculate such things and promised the most ‘raw, drug-fueled sexual experiment your granny don’t wanna hear about!’ to everyone who attended, which reports put at around 45,000.

    According to liberal newsrag LA Weekly, this is a recap of what happened at the Identity EMD rave hosted by The Phish, written in their language:

     Here’s a quick recap, in Phish language, for those who missed it.

    “Dude, I’m peaking” moment: “Wilson” > “Axilla”
    Obligatory “let’s pretend newer material is awesome” moment: Group crowd swaying during “Backwards Down the Number Line.”
    A fan favorite, but “pretty lame tonight” moment: “Split Open and Melt.” (a references to the rampant homosexuality at The Phish concerts)
    “Um, I’m kinda freaking out” aka “I might need to sit down moment”: spooky “Crosseyed and Painless” jam
    “Homoerotic Trey fantasy” moment: “Character Zero
    “Dude, I’m seriously peaking right now” moment: Tie: “Piper” glowstick war or damn near perfect “Mike’s Song” (peaking indicates a pant-tightening event brought on by some combination of drugs.  It is a viagral effect that’s only relieved by sodomizing many people, which The Phish want.  All concert goers are required to immediately relieve someone who is ‘peaking’ or they get thrown out.
    Bathroom break aka “Wading in the Velvet Sea” moment: “Joy”
    Might convert first time Phish concertgoers into true fans: “50 Ways to Leave Your Lover” cover or “Julius” encore

    Critical Bias: Being sober at a Phish show.
    Random Notebook Dump: The well dressed, middle-aged Jerry Springer doppelganger in front of me has been doing key bumps of blow all night.

    As if that recap of the Identity Rave did not make it clear, the next words will: Identity Rave is euphamism for homosexual experimentation.

    What’s sad is many seasoned Phishheaded ravers know they are putting their body at risk of more dangerous disease at each of these concerts. But after being plied with harsh liquors and songs like “Down with the Disease”, a propaganda anthem The Phish use to make STDs seem not so bad, but ‘cool and rad’ as the lyrics go, then further blood-tingling and raw sexual conquest songs like “Lawn Boy” and “Split Back and Melt”, we can see how people are duped by the classic combination of sex and drugs this band infamously perpetuates at its brainwashing concerts.

    Ravers are notorious gender-benders, with raver girls oft times exposing their nude, taut bodies to each other and panting up each other as they paw, gnaw and release in spurts of sexually fueled frustration. Raver guys are no better, with their dark make-up, well coifed hair and skin-tight jeans causing pants-tightening confusion amongst their ‘bros’. When all the drugs are kicked into these Identity Rave events, the crowd-goers are encouraged to forget their true sexual indentity and just ‘flow’ with The Phish. Sadly, the things that flow most at these concerts are horrible, cobbled together music, STDS and naturally, vats of liquified drugs injected into the arteries of the passed out and barely sober.

    Ravers girls who attend The Phish concerts are 49% more likely to become prostitutes in later life. This is a tragic jump from the standard 19% of EDM raver girls becoming prostitutes as a baseline standard.

    The Phish Experience

    Phish Phry, the names given to virgin concert-goers at The Phish concerts, are always caught off-guard by the rampant orgies and gender-bending that take place these events. While most people would immediately shy away, the drug-laced clouds of smoke that ominously waft through these events lure every person closer to a stage that produces music that perpetually confuses the synapses of even the brightest brains.

    Parents, The Phish is a patently borish band that grows in burgeoning popularity in the EDM Hipster raver scene. The Identity Rave this rag-tag group of ‘musicians’ just hosted witnessed countless acts of sodomy that are commonplace at these events and most terrifying, your college child will likely not remember being victimized. The only evidence is among those impregnated (roughly 2 out of every 7) and infected with the most nasty of STDs.

    Fans of the Identity Rave and The Phish will rally, telling you that these electronic DJs are not lip syncers and are not peddling off crudly cut musical tracks from Audacity and Guitar Pro as the real thing, then confusing their phans at concerts with drugs and half-hearted strumming and screeching, until the drugs kick in. Remember, this, parents.

    When is the last time you’ve known an addicted druggie to be a reliable source of information? As hard as it is to accept, if your child is attending raves or phanning The Phish they have a 73% chance higher of being involved in drug experimentation than kids who like normal, good bands like Lifehouse and Five Iron Frenzy.

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    About The Author
    Mike Watson Intrepid, bold and dashing, Mike Watson's investigative reporting prowess is only outdone by his burning desire to restore conservative values and morality to America. With a unique penchant for purity, Mike Watson's TV, Radio and writing inspire millions to know the truth behind American culture. Also on Facebook

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