The Soured Vagina – The Dangers of Poor Hygiene Every Woman Should Know
Unless a husband is French, Christian husbands do not like women with indelicate smelling lady parts. Even so many women, neglectful of intimate hygiene, are surprised when the marriage bed cools. A faithful husband may be forced to seek more dainty smelling company such as other women or even a perfumed gay man. Through tears and sobs of self condemnation, she knows this is her own fault. As temperatures rise in the summer months, this issue becomes an alarming social hazard that spurs careless whispers, talk around the country club as well as a chilly marital relationship.
Women are dirt and filth magnets due to the sin in the Garden of Eden. Every woman knows after a summer’s day engaged in yard work or afternoon scrubbing windows, undergarments will smell like a stagnant Louisiana swamp. The vagina, commonly called the cooter in warm southern climes, harbors a great deal of bacteria, including fecal bacteria from the neighboring anus. When proper and dedicated cleansing is absent the bacteria blossoms into a fragrant stale soup. The vagina absorbs, and clenches the bog water tightly like a pressure cooker. This odor is more fully released by walking around or during sexual activities.
No loving Christian man should endure such filth or dip the delicate penis tissues to a simmering bacterial crock pot. He might hold his breath and perform his duties as husband, but in doing so he puts himself at risk for a variety of infectious and malevolent diseases. He may also become a victim of permanent smells. This is especially true after a woman’s monthly curse is lifted.
Due to the diabiological pheromones leeched from the woman, she must shed the waste of the womb’s baby bed monthly. This waste has a foul coppery odor that attracts bugs because as one doctor noted, it smells like marigolds. This very specific odor is from the gypsy like bacteria that travel from the anus to the baby hole and feeds on the bloody womb waste. While no study has been made, it is believed that a boggy vagina may lead to hair loss, malaise, and nail fungus.
The number one reason many women do not find a man to marry them is they lack the common sense hygiene to attract and hold a man’s attention. ‘Swamp cooter’ is also the third most popular reason many men become homosexual or impotent. The foul smell becomes a strong signal of sexual release. This olfactory input is like a dinner bell for home sexuality. Those husbands that reject this stimulus as sexually significant become impotent. 3 out of 5 of those that embrace it become gay. The woman is clearly the loser in this scent game, no matter the reaction she is left to baste in her own frustrating juices.
For married couples that choose to practice oral home sexual positions, the addition of a stale odor can lead to unwanted results.
Oral sex in the Christian marriage is not advisable since the taste of fecal matter in the lady parts is appealing to some less righteous men. They will yearn for more exotic faire when women don’t keep the vagina clean enough. Husbands may find comfort away from his hyper fragrant bride. Choosing time with male counterparts at the gym or in all male square dancing are two such options.
The woman with the unsavory vagina is susceptible to lesbians who will prey on the woman’s desperation for affection and affirmation. The lesbian outreach message is one that appeals to a woman’s lazy nature by telling her it is ‘natural’ or okay not to undertake hygiene rituals. The goal here is to make the woman unattractive to men and thusly more susceptible to lady part partners.
DON’T BE A NEGLECTFUL NELLIE!
Addressing the soured vagina is a task each and every woman must undertake. There are a variety of products that use industrial strength solvents to kill the bacteria and algae that accumulate in the female furnace. Lysol, according to many advertisements was recommended by doctors to help abate the domestic issue and ensure happy marriages. It is estimated that 8 out of 10 divorces citing Facebook as a contributing factor for divorce are actually due to poor woman hygiene. No matter that the house is spotless, the children above average and dinner is served hot and delicious – the number one reason for broken homes is right there under the skirt.
In addition, but not in lieu of cleansing, wives can consider options that maintain freshness and a breezy fragrance. Keeping underthings in the freezer or ice box during the summer is exciting and helps maintain a lower temperature in hot weather. Husbands delighted with the fresher smelling wife can slip a chunk of melting ice down her panties while she is occupied, elbow deep in dishes, for a fun thank you. She will see the love in his actions.
The bamboo like stalks of pubic hair should be trimmed to keep oils and scents from accumulating. Much like the stick aromatics that are so popular in home décor, these hairs are porous and will spore the odors out to the general public and in the home. What man wants to arrive from a hard days labor to a fish monger kiosk?
Pantiless is an option in summer months paired with a breezy sundress, but some form of protection is recommended to shield from gnats and mosquitoes that might want to find safe harbor.
Weight is also a factor in the production of odor. Overweight women typically have a belt of belly fat below the bellybutton that shadows the groin and creates a fold where germs have safe haven. Fat also typically sweats more, fueling heat for the pressure cooker of swampish odors. A nutritional profile and exercise program are the only known cures for this problem. Fat stink cannot be cleansed away.
Sprays and emollients can mask odors, but should only be used after proper cleansing. No man wants to associate baby making with a baby powder bayou. Social engagements become awkward when everyone is looking for a nonexistent seafood buffet and introduction to the new baby left at home.
Cornstarch is sometimes used as an intimate powder, but keep in mind without proper prior cleansing this can make some very unappealing gravy. Frequent showers and bidet in between are the best maintenance programs to follow for a happy marriage and thriving social life.
Proper hygiene is not jackboot control of the woman’s personal life, it is a necessary privilege as part of God’s plan for happy marriage. Women are no longer expected to spend a week under the blood tent for monthly flows. The least that can be done in gratitude is to keep the surrounding air quality free of odor.
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Author: Blanche Beecham
"Blanche Beecham lends a soft, learned hand to the fourth estate with incite-full investigations on diverse topics such as Politics, Love, and Lifestyle. Her many years experience as a wife, mother, ladies book club president and financial auditor make her well suited to ferreting out the truth and giving it a sound shake." - Rev. Jackson Lee Whitebelley, Publisher and Editor of "The Incubator" - Follow me on Twitter! @BLANCHEBEECHAM
5:06 pm
Good advice! But Lysol is meant for counter-top cleaning. I recommend gunpowder and baby oil.
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10:25 pm
Well, since we can’t buy CCl4 anymore.
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5:55 pm
CAN YOU CUT MUSTARD TO CLEAR THE CUSTARD?? If so clean yo stinky pussy! cause stinky pussy stinks
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7:32 pm
Satan shot perversion straight into the thrusting pelvis of Eve when she decided to fornicate with him in the Garden of Eden. That is why evil exists in humanity: Satan implanted it right into the genome of humanity and naturally, slutty women are to blame. Not much changes over 6,000 years, does it?
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8:26 pm
I pray that for my sake, Claire finds time to read this article. Great Work, Sister Blanche. Very informative.
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8:29 pm
Shall I call my eight well-hung black friends to teach you another lesson, Bruce?
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8:31 pm
So you are saying you ‘know’ these guys? Are you a prostitute or some-such?
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8:35 pm
If by putting quotes around “know” you’re implying that I know them in the biblical sense, then you’re wrong. Either you missed the word “friends” or you have intimate relations with all of your friends.
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8:42 pm
You flip-flop and draft dodge more than John Kerry, child. How would you know that your black friends are ‘well-hung’? Are you making this comment because you are racist and think the Rise of the Planet of the Apes is actually minced film language depicting an African uprising?
Do you know who Charles Manson is? Do you know Charles Manson used the same course of logic that you are advocating right now?
Are you a Beatles fan, Claire?
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9:06 pm
How would I know that my black friends have big penises? Perhaps because I saw them plowing Bruce his balloon knot.
Are you honestly asking me if I know who Charles Manson is? Anybody with half of a brain knows how Charles Manson is, dipshit.
And yes, I like the Beatles, though I’m nowhere near as big a fan of them as I was when I was 10.
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11:23 pm
You and Manson should become pen pals, you seem to have a lot in common with your various psychoses and delusional grandstanding. Let’s not leave out the cat infatuation.
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11:39 pm
Claire you’re just mad that Black men would rather bang Bruce’s butt hole than you. Remember that time we gang banged your nasty twat. Ever wonder why we haven’t been back? It was like fucking a week old moose.
You should wipe your chin, shut your mouth and learn from Blanche.
It is pretty sad when a guys bung hole smells better than your stank ass cooch.
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12:15 am
Oh, and what are these “various psychoses” of mine, Mr. Psychologist?
As for cats, yeah, I like them. I have two of them. Big fucking deal.
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12:18 am
You’ve fucked a week-old moose before? That’s disturbing.
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12:29 am
Yes I fucked a dead moose, and I fucked you too. What is disturbing is the fact that I would fuck the moose again before I would fuck you that should tell you how nasty you are.
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9:05 pm
I’m thinking of the answer…
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11:09 pm
The state of female cleanliness may be finger tested by a Christian man prior to his own turgidity by rubbing his index and middle fingers on the woman’s camel toe until her shakes and moans signal the release of her slick sample scent. Nasal tests can then be conducted on the finger film allowing the man to determine the “danger zone” perimeter and avoid the possible nausea that would otherwise occur upon approach.
It is because of this type of problem that good Christian women are encouraged to increase their mouth skills. This can be done not by going to dangerous seedy adult books stores and glory holes to buy latex or rubber simulation toys but with a variety of item found in the Christian house such as carrots, cucumbers, loofahs and pringles cans.
The Christian woman should be learned in the use of pop rocks and her own saliva as well as jaw breaker and throat massage techniques to enhance her oral pleasure giving skills during those times when her cave is condemned for uncleanliness.
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11:13 pm
You are an encyclopedia of woman knowledge!
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8:40 am
I can’t even figure out what neoconstipated is talking about!
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11:16 pm
You are a sick twisted individual.
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11:32 pm
You shouldn’t say such mean things about Blanche.
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11:36 pm
I was talking about you.
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11:45 pm
How is my advice warning women to stay out of seedy adult books stores “sick and twisted?”
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11:48 pm
insulting people again?
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11:49 pm
No that was not an insult Susan.
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11:59 pm
“You are a sick twisted individual.”
that is an insult, shannon.
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12:03 am
That was a statement based on facts that I gathered abut this individual. Upon competed research that is the conclusion I came up with. Isnt this the same logic you use? Turn about fair play.
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12:56 am
haha, i agree shannon that it isnt in insult because it was slightly true. though i have to say that there was a point in there somewhere no matter how cruel discusting and overly offencive it may have been
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12:52 am
Notice how this Shannon character advocates that young women go to filthy adult sex shops yet she refers to me as “sick and twisted.”
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12:59 am
That’s why you don’t go into the filthy ones you only go into the clean, respectable ones.
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1:37 am
they are all dirty and filthy, with a fould smell in the air and semen stains on the floor, disgusting!
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2:59 am
Exactly … and I’m supposedly “sick and twisted” for suggesting that Christian women stay away from them.
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6:08 pm
Susan’s been to all of them.
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10:14 pm
Sharron is possessed by the devil. All that witchcraft, and all she has to show for it is the smell of semen.
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10:22 pm
Laurlene get a life. All your doing is trying to piss people off. Well I would say that mean you are possessed by the devil. And how would you know how I smell? Quit making assumptions on things you have no idea what your talking about.
)0(
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11:54 pm
How is cleaning the refrigerator crisper twisted?
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10:55 am
I friggen love this website. That is all.
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4:19 pm
I found this rather raw and human, but maybe it’s just the wake up call America’s young women need. They’re certainly not getting taught hygiene by their liberal welfare mothers.
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4:48 pm
Stephenson,
I think that young women need the kind of graphic talk to shake them away from their Hello Kitty childhood. This is about saving and protecting marriages. They must learn that personal hygiene isn’t just for their own benefit, it is a community issue as well. Lord knows they won’t figure this out on their own. Most husbands won’t tell a young woman, because they want to protect her feelings.
While at the DMV this morning, I handed a young woman a copy of this article. She thanked me.
BB
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5:02 pm
Bless you sister! At the DMV? That is brilliant, and shows caring for the community!
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10:15 pm
Blanche, what were you doing at the DMV, let alone out of the house? Had the daily pie been baked? Laundry done and shirts ironed? Were all of the pots and pans washed, dried, and put away? Were the rooms vacuumed and immaculate? Were the shelves and television screen dusted to your husband’s satisfaction? Was lunch served and dinner on low heat in the oven? Bedsheets changed?
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10:36 pm
And the dog and cat both bathed, grocery shopping done (saved $17.21 in coupons), changed the slipcovers in the living room, cleaned the toilets (I do this daily), changed the air filters for the air conditioner, AND made a two layer yellow cake with chocolate icing, not a pie.
I keep a bottle of vodka in the freezer to use as a pastry rolling pin and it has disappeared. I’ll need to get another before I can make a pie crust.
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7:37 pm
There’s only one possible reason for why you have to clean the toilet every day: you have a foul vagina.
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10:02 pm
No Claire, it is because I love and care for my family. A clean bathroom is important.
I know you are well educated in biological and viral issues associated with animal urine, but human urine and waste also require clean facilities. As a vet tech do you practice proper hygiene for the animals? Why wouldn’t you do the same for your own home?
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10:10 pm
“No Claire, it is because I love and care for my family.”
That’s what they all say.
“human urine and waste also require clean facilities.”
Did you figure that out all by yourself, you old crab?
“As a vet tech do you practice proper hygiene for the animals?”
What kind of moronic question is that? Of course I do.
“Why wouldn’t you do the same for your own home?”
Cleaning your toilet every freaking day is just a waste of time. You’re more likely to catch an illness from a door handle than from your toilet.
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5:09 pm
Billings, considering how the things you suggest and think yourself, you REALLY aren’t one to be telling liberals off.
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7:40 pm
Liberal parents certainly teach their children better hygiene than conservative ones do, considering how it’s the conservatives who think that the genitals shouldn’t be touched or spoken about.
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7:34 pm
I like the idea of “the neighboring anus,” like you go over there to borrow a cup of sugar. Or whatever it is one would borrow from a neighboring anus.
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8:59 pm
I’m snorting like a madman over that comment. You’re hilarious.
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10:05 pm
I am definitely passing this info on to my children’s mother and grandmother.
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10:10 pm
Your children’s mother? Why can’t you just say “wife”? Is it because you’re divorced? Isn’t divorce a sin? Is it because you were never married to her in the first place and committed the sin of premarital intercourse?
Sinner.
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11:09 pm
I think its important to remember that girls should deal with these issues in private. Mothers, teach your girls at a young age to not make your feminine issues public in the presence of the men of the house. Men should not accidently come across a feminine product wrapper when throwing away a used kleenex in the wast receptacle. Also keep in mind, when we are digging around for a ace bandage or a compress the last thing we want to find is any of the aforementioned products or a smelly pringles can.
And girls remember: “Fat stink cannot be cleansed away.”
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7:35 pm
“Men should not accidently come across a feminine product wrapper when throwing away a used kleenex in the wast receptacle.”
What is “accidently” and what is a “wast receptacle”?
“when we are digging around for a ace bandage or a compress the last thing we want to find is any of the aforementioned products”
Three words: deal with it.
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5:59 pm
You can’t be serious?!
This entire thing has to be a joke, right? First of all, if Blanche Beecham is a real person and actually wrote this, her writing is redundant, weakly written trash (a thesaurus and affinity for adjectives does not make one a good author). Secondly, I can’t believe the comments I’m reading. I feel like I accidentally walked into an idiot party. What tops this whole thing off for me are the blind assumptions being made… when you say “most husbands won’t tell a young woman, because they want to protect her feelings,” you’re obviously not referring to people with a communicative, healthy relationship. Or, my personal favorite display of complete and total willing ignorance “‘Swamp cooter’ is also the third most popular reason many men become homosexual or impotent. The foul smell becomes a strong signal of sexual release. This olfactory input is like a dinner bell for home sexuality. Those husbands that reject this stimulus as sexually significant become impotent. 3 out of 5 of those that embrace it become gay.” Back that up with a single, scientific study. Pretty please. I’m bored and it would be really entertaining to see you defend those statements.
Seriously? This can’t be serious. I’m baffled. And you want to save me? Oh please, let me burn in hell if you’re the alternative.
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6:49 pm
I think this explains it.
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7:09 pm
You cite that as fact?
Please tell me, in all seriousness, is this site real? A real, genuine place where people come to learn things and discuss religion?
Seriously, if this is a joke site like The Onion, the color me fooled and congratulations on a masterpiece of offensive crap. But if you’re serious, do you think posting that chart saying 15 people changed their name to Chris and 243 had their noses removed after “enduring” swamp cooter will help your case?
This is all a prank at my expense, isn’t it? Nobody is this stupid.
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7:18 pm
Chris,
I like a summer garden and love Onions, but this blog post has nothing to do with that.
If you require more information, please friend me on Facebook or send a self addressed stamped envelope to the ChristWire offices. We will promptly send you a detail of the study conducted by our survey team.
Thank you for commenting and reading articles on the site. We in the fellowship appreciate you and embrace your continued support.
Since you enjoy vegetables, may I also suggest the following?
http://christwire.org/2011/06/meeting-the-penis-facts-every-christian-woman-should-know/
Praise be,
BB
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7:21 pm
Chris, what do you have against our fellowship? We do not go to your work and call what you do a “joke”. Blanche is a terrific author and her research was funded by a $50,000 grant from the foundation for a better tomorrow. I personally have seen the paperwork as I reviewed her grant submittal before she applied.
And for wondering if we are real. I am happy to sit next to you any Sunday and we can chat over Cookies and punch in person and you can see we are real.
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7:29 pm
I’d love to punch you in person.
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7:55 pm
Me?
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8:04 pm
I have to apologize for Claire Chris. She is special. The only reason she’s tolerated is BB keeps insisting she not be banned for some reason. BB really likes her.
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8:13 pm
No, of course not you, Chris. I want to punch August. Hard.
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8:15 pm
Oh, I’M special? Excuse me, Mr. I Have Seven Degrees But Have The Grammar Of A Fifth Grader.
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8:22 pm
Which punch recipe, Claire? 7up and orange sherbet or the pineapple juice and ginger ale?
I love ginger ale in the summer months.
Oh, I know you’re finishing up with your internship. When I ran to the vets for more prescription cat food for my kitty, I noticed they are looking for a vet assistant. She runs a pretty big rig with horse runs in the back. If you are interested, email me and let me know.
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10:14 pm
“Oh, I know you’re finishing up with your internship.”
Internship? Um…I don’t start my internships until next spring.
“When I ran to the vets for more prescription cat food for my kitty”
What are you doing owning a cat? Aren’t they satanic?
“If you are interested, email me and let me know.”
1. I have a job
2. I live in Massachusetts and don’t plan on going to some podunk white trash town
3. Why would I take a job recommendation from you?
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3:40 am
Claire,
I don’t own a cat. As a cat guardian yourself, you know you can’t own a cat. I have a beautiful kitty that plays with my Bible versed terrier. The cat requires prescription food and I’m very familiar with the ladies at the vet’s office.
I know you aren’t a people person, but I thought if you were interested, I would give you a line on a internship. Nothing else there, Claire. If you needed a cheep place to stay, our detached garage has a fully apportioned apartment. If you don’t mind having a few boxes for the Christmas tree and ornaments in there.
I know you care deeply about animal and since your area may be flooded with applicants, where I am is about 3 hours from the nearest vet school.
Just being nice, give a gal a break.
BB
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6:06 pm
“I have a beautiful kitty that plays with my Bible versed terrier.”
And this explains what you’re doing with a cat when Christwire has explicitly called them satanic because…?
Once again you’re being a hypocrite. You tell others to do or not do certain things when you yourself do the exact opposite.
“I know you aren’t a people person”
And you know this how? Sorry, but my behavior towards Christian whackjobs and sexist, racist, bigoted conservatives is not a reflection of who I am off the internet when dealing with rational people.
“but I thought if you were interested, I would give you a line on a internship.”
Right, because there aren’t hundreds of different internship options near my home or my school…
Once again, why do you think I would even consider traveling halfway across the country to intern at some podunk clinic recommended by YOU?
“where I am is about 3 hours from the nearest vet school.”
And I care because…?
“Just being nice, give a gal a break.”
Why should I give you a break? You’re a fucking arrogant bitch.
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8:02 pm
I have nothing more to say. If you’re a sincere religious organization, you represent exactly what I can’t stand about most organized religions. If this is a joke, it’s long since reached its punchline.
Either way, I’m reasonably certain you have nothing to offer me that will make my life better in any way. Enjoy yourselves.
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10:04 pm
Well he seemed like a nice young man.
If he comes back, perhaps we can invite him for some fellowship or prayer circle outings.
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10:16 pm
Blanche, shut the fuck up, okay?
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3:41 am
You are better than that, Claire.
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8:37 am
Some googling and my pride has led me back only to say, touché. Touché.
Doesn’t happen often, but you cornered me. Well played. Email me if you’re hiring writers…
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3:55 am
Yet another reason why bitchman isn’t attractive to her husband any more and why he spends his night at the tittie bar! Y isfor the yeast infection bitchman gets every oher day cuz she doesn’t know how to clean her pussy! I’m right’! How do I know becuause she had to have gone through it to rant about it and for all the dudes who are yammering about this please go away I think it should be pussies only here go and talk about why u have to stare at little girls just to get a boner! LOL’ btw congrats to dezzy Montez who won the IPad 2!
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9:04 pm
Both men AND women can have nasty genitals if they don’t wash properly.
Also, am I the only one who seems to find this insanely sexist, and also, for a website that’s all “oh no homogays are an abomination!!” you seem to be saying “men, women are all nasty whores, so you can just go fuck a man – even though you’re married – who smells better because he doesnt have a vag!!”
Wow. Sexist, hypocritical, and now preaching that infidelity is okay!!! Well praise jesus fucking christ for christwire then!
/sarcasm
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