Visa Begins Sending Pre-Declined Credit Card Offers in the Mail

Lynchburg, Virginia – As the US economy continues to tank, credit card giant Visa has taken a proactive tough-love approach in assuring US citizens their waning likelihood of buying extravagant items that far exceed their needs or salary.

As many families along the Eastern seaboard discovered early Saturday, Visa is now issuing Pre-declined credit card offers.  It seems the company is targetting families whose upper six figure homes and mortgages are at odds with their salaries and coming needs of children who are going to college.  Sallie Mae is also responding in kind with pre-taxed interest loans, where students must pay off the tax value of the loan before getting it deposited into their university accounts.

Many families nationwide will be deprived of new model flatscreen televisions and lavish vacations as Visa tightens its credit-doling via pre-declined credit cards.

Proud father Roy Higgens, a super-market retail clerk from Maine and his happy wife, Mel, a homemaker recently settled on a a $1.85 million dollar in Maine’s exclusive Port-a-Tradeau harbor in Lexington.

Roy admits that despite the big move from their two bedroom apartment in Jersey and the new mortgage straining his $48,000 grocery store salary, he and his wife were very tempted to use the power of credit to furnish their new home with lavish decor.

“Mel and I knew we could not go without Corinthian leathers, the subtle tannish hue of our external Greek stone really called for it.  And I still want my mancave!  What mancave is complete without a 50-inch plasma!”

The day before the Higgens’ family decided to apply for a Visa platinum, they were shocked to find Visa had already sent them a letter in the mail.

“Mel came in and said, “‘Roy!  They must have already approved us!  Let’s go shopping!”

But the couple was shocked when they opened the letter.  Inside, the statement from Visa stated something that gave Higgens and likely many other families a reality check:

Dear Mr. Higgens,

We regret to inform you that there is no chance you can afford all your bills.  You have a growing girl who is going to cause your insurance premiums to sharply increase and those prime, lusty thighs and hips of your wife can only mean you two will create more kids in the short run.  How is your family car holding up?

Your mult-million dollar home mortgage may slightly strain your grocery store worker salary and we are tired of being screwed by overzealous consumers like you.   Son, the day has come that you must now be your own man.  Tune out the Dave Grohl and listen to Dave Ramsey.  Buy little, save big. We love you and when you finish that degree and can actually afford things you don’t really need, we will be here, waiting, with open arms and a little line for you to sign.

We will always be there, watching, Mr. Higgens.

Sincerely,

Visa

“Mel did not take it well. She ran off, crying,” Roy Higgens, 35, confessed. “She really had her heart set on redoing the master bath with a Swirling Swiss Tingling Fingers of Pleasurable Jetstreams Whirlpool. And those nice, infrared heating lights.”

“For me,” Roy continued, “it was like getting the ‘cut-off’ talk from Dad after I moved out from college”.

Like many other Americans, Roy Higgens has been forced to work outside his area of training and expertise due to the tough economy. While Visa’s new parental stance against loaning out money for unnecessary items is a teenaged reminder for many adults, the tough-love approach seems to be slowly working for the credit card giant.  While the company is not reporting huge gains, investors seem more confident that their monetary resources will not go toward undue activity and unpaid ‘necessities’.

There is still currently no word if Mastercard or American Express will follow this trend at time of report.