• 5 Finger Death Punch: Hard Core Rock or Anal Sodomy Dub Steppers

    September 6, 2011 7:31 pm 60 comments
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  • 5 Finger Death Punch: Hard Core Rock or Anal Sodomy Dub Steppers
    -Chuck D. Finley

    Five finger death punch. As a man of the 70′s and 80′s this makes me think of kung fu movies from my youth. A special death punch that a wily yellow squinty eyed Asian delivered to to the chest of his opponent. The loser of the battle steps back and realizes that the death blow has been delivered. He begins to quiver, then convulse, and then dies, just like the soul of a post coitus’ed anal dabbling homogay.

    But the 5 finger death punch under discussion today is neither the death punch of a oriental or the butt punch of a gay. Today we are discussing a heavy metal band. 5FDP as they like to be known as, was formed in 2005 in the hot bed of sin known as Los Angeles, Ca. They have had two albums, “The Way of the Fist” released in 2007, and “War Is the Answer” released in 2009. Their next album “American Capitalist” will be released in October.

    The Ring Leader:

    One may not think to badly with such christian sounding album titles as “The Way of the Fist” “War Is the Answer” and “American Capitalist“. But don’t be deceived my fellow christian. The leader/founder of the band is bassist Zoltan Bathory. Which is a completely made up fake name. You’ can’t trust anyone with a made up name! He takes his first name from a character in the 80′s G.I. Joe Cartoon. Zoltan was the cross dressing transgendered leader of the Dreadnaughts, who are a subgroup of the evil terrorist organization COBRA.


    I guess Zoltar is better than Osama.

    His last name is taken from historical footnote, Elizabeth Báthory. She was a cereal killer and real Vampire. Bathory was a countess from the renowned Báthory family of Hungarian nobility. As she aged she decided that bathing in the blood of virgins would keep her looking young. Unfortunately for the young women she murdered in “cold blood” they had not yet developed Oil of Olay. She was imprisoned for the murder of 88 young women although an accomplice placed the number at 650 victims.

    Why would someone use these names as an alias? In his personal time Zoltán is a Judo and Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu Martial Artist. According to the band’s Facebook Page Zoltán won the silver medal at the Abu-Dhabi Pro Jiu-Jitsu World Trials in his division. He is also a co-owner of Alphadog Combat Gear, a high end fighting equipment manufacturer, and “works” closely with UFC fighters and MMA Fight Leagues.


    That’s not gay at all.

    Which one of us has not watched a UFC or MMA fight and not been over come with the disgusting taste of gayness in our mouth? Just the sight of two sweaty men engaged in a seemingly never ending entanglement, one bent over the other, hands grasping, legs intertwined, slaps and tickles. It is just to much for one man to take. What a disgusting sport. One man stands while the other lies on the floor weeping with disappointment at the act that he has put on, lying in his own sweaty filth weeping at his embarrassmenth wile the other triumphs over him. This is the most disgusting act of sport I can think of.


    It’s all fun and games, until you’ve been sodomized.

    Dub Rock?

    So your asking, these are rock hard metal masters, where does the Dub Step come in? Well let me tell you brothers and sisters. For their upcoming album they have released a single called “Under and Over It” (video link here). But to reach new audiences they decided to have an evil dub step master put it’s stink of sin upon it. One of these satanic hipster masters is known as Kraddy. When Kraddy got done with it a new satanic rockstepping dub demon was born. You can hear it here.

    Fans of rock Music may note that they are not the first to fuse satanic rock and roll with the anus ravaging fecal sounds of dub step. Earlier Satanic mid-westerners Korn released a song called Get Up (link here) that assaulted youth with repeated use of the F-word and dub step sounds.

    So is this what we can expect? Unholy mash ups of satanic rock fused with the meth snorting evil that is Dub Step? God in Heaven help us all.

    The author would like to thank Sister Susan B. Xenu, and Brother Bruce Danus for their assistance in creating this article and bringing it to light.

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    About The Author
    Chuck D. Finley Brother Chuck is the Minister of The First Tyranical Church of Jesus in Roswell Ga. He is also a proud husband and father.

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