Mexican street musicians are a growing annoyance in America. Filling the airwaves with confusing tones of carnival music, these ‘mariachis’ are always fully plumed like a overzealous bullfighter with an Elton John sequins fetish.
The most scary thing about Mexican street musicians is just like roaches clamoring about a ghetto home’s kitchen floor, they can suddenly appear or hide in a moment’s notice. La migra would never be able to catch them, perhaps giving creedence to their claims of making ‘supernatural calibre’ music.
Modern Mariachis and What They Mean for You
For those of you not raised in Southern California, the threat of Mexican street musicians may not seem so real to you. You’ve never had to walk up a boulevard, minding your own business, then suddenly be accosted by a group of sweaty, singing Mexicans, playing polka styled music, dancing about and then having their children pull at your clean clothing with charizo greased fingers.
They want money from you, which is what drives the entire culture of Mexican street musicians. You would think enough people would simply walk by and say no, and for a while, such was the case. The music is really horrible and is no different than the noises you hear coming from any annoying car carrying a Mexican family, usually with bright flags colored on the back window and displaying some random phrase on the back window like “Viva la Raza” or “Boricua”, both racist terms meaning Mexicans are better than everyone else.
Somewhere in the late 90s to early aughts, Hollywood made the mistake of taking a Mexcian street musician band named Los Chicos Solos, which later was renamed Los Lonely Boys. You may remember this song intended to trick Christians into liking them and spreading their music from California and through the heartland:
This song spurned a new hope for Mexicans worldwide. After it aired on MTV, there was a sharp increase in illegal immigrants found sneaking into America, guitars and shiny suits in hand. The word on the street was that mariachi in America had gone mainstream.
How to Handle A Mexican Street Musician Gathering
As mentioned earlier, Mexicans have an uncanny ability to quickly gather and group around bad music, greasy foods and cheap jobs. These abilities are terrifying to decent people, to see such an organized mass swoop around where you were just window shopping or waiting to meet-up with your friends. Should this happen to you it will look something like this:
Some will say a gathering of Mexicans is like a zombie movie is excessive, but those are the very same people who never had to deal with a Mexican street musician gathering. Let’s not forget the horrors of the Mexican H1N1 swine flu we endured last year.
If you find yourself caught up in a group of Mexicans, there are a few things to do. One, make sure you’re not dealing with a drug cartel. If you see many Mexicans with red hazy eyes, but no cough to indicate a cold or flu, you’re likely dealing with drug dealers. Slowly back away and do not make eye contact with any of them.
If there are children dancing around, mothers with typically Mexican curve bean dipped hips and pork-gut belly, you’re dealing with standard Mexican families. At most, they will calm down and be interested in just having a good time and dancing to the music from the street performers. You will be offered poorly prepared burritos or a churro. Take them and discretely pay for them with your smallest bill possible, don’t wait around to get change.
With food in hand, you’ll look authentic and if you’re lucky enough, they will assume you may be married to someone in the crowd. As you walk away, and this is especially true for females, make sure there aren’t a group of random, scraggly men looking your way. Mexicans point with their lips and never directly stare at the object of their desire. If men’s bodies are facing somewhat in your direction and if you are wearing a skirt or jeans, they are checking you out. Quickly get to your car and make sure you are not flanked. If you have a cell phone, call someone to tell them your whereabouts and keep talking loudly to them, asking “Where are you? I’m just right around the corner.” This will trick any group of ravaging Mexicans to think you are not far from help and they will not abduct you, tie you up and take turns smearing you with their Mexican mole sauce makers, if you can understand the euphamism there.
Mexican street musicians are a very real threat, especially on a day like Halloween, which they call Dia de los Muertos.