• Fun Comebacks For the College Male: The Pregnancy Trick

    October 24, 2011 8:58 pm 42 comments

    College women are not to be trusted. This little sage piece of advice is perhaps even more crucial than anything your professors list as necessary reading on your little syllabus. Women are naturally harlots, there are near 7 billion pieces of evidence that give credence to the fact.

    Think about it. If it meant carrying a nearly 20 pound dead-weight in your stuff, that kicked and fed straight from your body for nine months, and then pushing said growth head-first — like a gamma irradiated kidney stone from hell, ripping and stretching as it forced its way through your tiny little hole — would you really want to go unprotected with anyone else?

    The logical answer is no, yet, we see women have some perverted drive to tempt us to impregnate them. They are willing to endure the risks and tortures of carrying our seed, some of them sadistic to do it more than once. And there is one key you need to know, good readers. Beyond all pain they could endure, women have a driving force that a man can never understand. Self-righteous, shameless greed.

    Women are greedy.

    Any married man can tell you a wife is manipulative, will lie straight to your face all while depriving you of freedom and draining you dry. She will cheat on you and smile about it. She will force you to work and guilt trip you for not making more than Ronny, her imaginary love in Windsor Castle. She will then divorce you and have you paying child support, if you’re lucky. If you’re like every other man, she will perform a castration so vile you may as well be an Ethiopian eunuch.

    But don’t let the tables turn. Even peak at another woman and a harpy’s screech could not compare to the 20 years of scorn she will flood your ear with. Forget to tightly snap the cap on the milk? “That’s why you were looking at Jessica’s butt 22-years and four months ago!” Nevermind that she banged Jess’ husband that weekend she was supposedly ‘skiing with the girls and that’s why she didn’t want you to go’.

    What’s the point of this extolment of wisdom, my good college men. It’s this. We’ve had the vajazzling talk. I’ve warned you about how Jezebel sorority girls ruin their knickers with just the thought of plying you with alcohol, luring you from your hard studies and coercing you into a night of sweaty, pelvic pounding flesh sessions. They really enjoy it.

    But don’t think it’s all your body. It’s your mind. It’s your earning potential. It’s their greed that drives them to ruin you. So, let’s make this simple for you. If you’re dating that special girl and she tricks you into a relationship without rubbers, which is very common, don’t let her beguile you. Stand your ground and let her know it’s her responsibility to drop anti-baby pills or use the proper protection, not yours. You’re not the one laden with child should something go wrong.

    Women will not take well to such forthright honesty and you may see them even flapping and hissing at me in the comments. I don’t care because I’m sick and tired of seeing college rates at some 64% to 36%. I’m guest lecturing this semester at a local university and the women consistently hit on even me, their educator. One slip-up is all they want. Just one so they can be set for life, but there is an easy trick to avoid their vixen’s snare trap.

    The time comes for every man when a woman will hold you close and say, “I’m pregnant.” This is usually to trap you in a marriage, hoping you will cover her tracks after a one night stand and some jobless guy actually got her knocked up but she wants to live with a man who has his stuff together until she has the courage to beg mommy and daddy for help, or to make you think you have to get married. Guess what?

    All the prior scenarios are not required. Here is what you do. Our good friend Adam helps us give Amy a lesson:

    When a woman whispers her nonsense, whisper right back “I’m sterile” and have the most teared up, angry look in your eyes. 9/10, or more accurately, 93% of the time she will cry and run away, thinking some other guy she spread her slut legs before knocked her up.

    For the other 6.9% of the time, she may be legit but as statistic warn us, marriages are failing the majority of the time, women are to blame and yet they will get everything in the divorce. So the smart answer is when that time comes up, say that one phrase and split.

    You will eventually hit it lucky and date a woman who cannot bear children or is vigilant about birth control! Congratulations! You have a keeper, but don’t bother getting married unless God himself reaches down from heaven and gives you the thumbs up to walk down that aisle. I’m all for traditions, but with the whore nature of women on the rise, you have to look out for yourself. Enjoy them, but don’t let the ‘stress pits’ deceive you. That’s your advice for today, my friends. Be well.

    - Derek Van Buren -

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    Derek Van Buren

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