Fun Comebacks For the College Male: The Pregnancy Trick
College women are not to be trusted. This little sage piece of advice is perhaps even more crucial than anything your professors list as necessary reading on your little syllabus. Women are naturally harlots, there are near 7 billion pieces of evidence that give credence to the fact.
Think about it. If it meant carrying a nearly 20 pound dead-weight in your stuff, that kicked and fed straight from your body for nine months, and then pushing said growth head-first — like a gamma irradiated kidney stone from hell, ripping and stretching as it forced its way through your tiny little hole — would you really want to go unprotected with anyone else?
The logical answer is no, yet, we see women have some perverted drive to tempt us to impregnate them. They are willing to endure the risks and tortures of carrying our seed, some of them sadistic to do it more than once. And there is one key you need to know, good readers. Beyond all pain they could endure, women have a driving force that a man can never understand. Self-righteous, shameless greed.
Women are greedy.
Any married man can tell you a wife is manipulative, will lie straight to your face all while depriving you of freedom and draining you dry. She will cheat on you and smile about it. She will force you to work and guilt trip you for not making more than Ronny, her imaginary love in Windsor Castle. She will then divorce you and have you paying child support, if you’re lucky. If you’re like every other man, she will perform a castration so vile you may as well be an Ethiopian eunuch.
But don’t let the tables turn. Even peak at another woman and a harpy’s screech could not compare to the 20 years of scorn she will flood your ear with. Forget to tightly snap the cap on the milk? “That’s why you were looking at Jessica’s butt 22-years and four months ago!” Nevermind that she banged Jess’ husband that weekend she was supposedly ‘skiing with the girls and that’s why she didn’t want you to go’.
What’s the point of this extolment of wisdom, my good college men. It’s this. We’ve had the vajazzling talk. I’ve warned you about how Jezebel sorority girls ruin their knickers with just the thought of plying you with alcohol, luring you from your hard studies and coercing you into a night of sweaty, pelvic pounding flesh sessions. They really enjoy it.
But don’t think it’s all your body. It’s your mind. It’s your earning potential. It’s their greed that drives them to ruin you. So, let’s make this simple for you. If you’re dating that special girl and she tricks you into a relationship without rubbers, which is very common, don’t let her beguile you. Stand your ground and let her know it’s her responsibility to drop anti-baby pills or use the proper protection, not yours. You’re not the one laden with child should something go wrong.
Women will not take well to such forthright honesty and you may see them even flapping and hissing at me in the comments. I don’t care because I’m sick and tired of seeing college rates at some 64% to 36%. I’m guest lecturing this semester at a local university and the women consistently hit on even me, their educator. One slip-up is all they want. Just one so they can be set for life, but there is an easy trick to avoid their vixen’s snare trap.
The time comes for every man when a woman will hold you close and say, “I’m pregnant.” This is usually to trap you in a marriage, hoping you will cover her tracks after a one night stand and some jobless guy actually got her knocked up but she wants to live with a man who has his stuff together until she has the courage to beg mommy and daddy for help, or to make you think you have to get married. Guess what?
All the prior scenarios are not required. Here is what you do. Our good friend Adam helps us give Amy a lesson:
When a woman whispers her nonsense, whisper right back “I’m sterile” and have the most teared up, angry look in your eyes. 9/10, or more accurately, 93% of the time she will cry and run away, thinking some other guy she spread her slut legs before knocked her up.
For the other 6.9% of the time, she may be legit but as statistic warn us, marriages are failing the majority of the time, women are to blame and yet they will get everything in the divorce. So the smart answer is when that time comes up, say that one phrase and split.
You will eventually hit it lucky and date a woman who cannot bear children or is vigilant about birth control! Congratulations! You have a keeper, but don’t bother getting married unless God himself reaches down from heaven and gives you the thumbs up to walk down that aisle. I’m all for traditions, but with the whore nature of women on the rise, you have to look out for yourself. Enjoy them, but don’t let the ‘stress pits’ deceive you. That’s your advice for today, my friends. Be well.
- Derek Van Buren -
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Author: Derek Van Buren
9:11 pm
So, I have never meat a newborn who was 20 pounds. In fact, that would probably be the worlds fattest, heaviest baby. Where are your sources anyway? Really. Please cite your sources before you talk.
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9:15 pm
You have never “meat” a newborn? Freudian slip, much? You liberals are sick, twisted people.
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9:19 pm
I am sorry, I meant met. Thank you for pointing it out for me.
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9:50 pm
Not as bad as ‘qaterback’ after ignoring someone’s point because of a typo, hypocrite.
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9:56 pm
What are you blabbing about now?
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10:00 pm
You bitched about someone making a typo and how because of that, their point was invalid, and then you go and misspell ‘quarterback’ at the same time you post your bullshit.
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9:31 pm
“Think about it. If it meant carrying a nearly 20 pound dead-weight in your stuff, that kicked and fed straight from your body for nine months, and then pushing said growth head-first — like a gamma irradiated kidney stone from hell, ripping and stretching as it forced its way through your tiny little hole — would you really want to go unprotected with anyone else?”
First of all, I was 9lbs 5.5oz, and I was considered a big baby.
Second, if women are supposedly sluts because we’re willing to endure pain in order to further the human race, then why is Adam constantly berating me about my desire to not have sexual intercourse and not have children?
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9:47 pm
Claire, I do not want you to have my children. Why would you accuse me of such things? If you want me, though, maybe, just maybe. You’d have to really play your cards right after jilting me earlier.
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9:48 pm
Did I say YOUR children? No, I just said children, you sexist pig.
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9:55 pm
It’s none of my business what you do with other guys. I’m just saying whenever we have our date and if you want to do some other, things, later on that I’d prefer us to not have children. We’re adults but still not really old enough and established enough for that. I’d like to be married and sewn my oats before anything like that was considered.
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10:00 pm
Adam, shouldn’t you be off having sex with a nurse against her will? Or have you graduated to raping your patients now?
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10:00 pm
You do realize that to “sew your oats” means to have promiscuous sex, and having children with many different women. Just saying.
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10:12 pm
Claire, that was uncalled for and I’m still on vacation. That’s why I want that coffee with you, dear. Before I have to go back to the grind with the nurses I’d like some with you?
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10:15 pm
“Before I have to go back to the grind with the nurses I’d like some with you?”
Is there a reason for the question mark, dipshit?
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12:31 am
I was asking if you would like to go to the grind with me?
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12:46 am
You are a sick, twisted LITTLE man Adam. You already know that her answer is an emphatic “EWWWWWWWW,” so why try?
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8:38 am
I’m thinking of changing my name to Nelson Mandela.
Haha just kidding! Fuck that, I hate black people! They smell bad!
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9:49 pm
You’ve been talking about how you want to fuck her for the whole day, numbnuts, and you view women as nothing but baby-holders who don’t even have the right to own the child!
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11:06 pm
Why would they own the child? Its not a cat.
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9:44 am
You don’t “own” a cat, either, Dracula.
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11:34 am
Dracula isn’t offensive Claire. We now use it to spice up our private time and get a little adventurous. Also, now every time you mention it we now donate an additional ten dollars to overturn Roe-v-Wade
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11:58 am
Suuuuuure, like I believe either of those, Dracula.
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12:10 pm
okay
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9:48 pm
For all of the hate Christwire gives women, it’s amazing they think they’re straight.
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9:50 pm
Yeah but gay men don’t hate women, they simply don’t want to have sexual relations with us (although some will if they want a kid bad enough). Gay men actually respect women.
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10:05 am
Oh yeah? All of them?
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10:42 am
Obviously not every single one of them, douchenozzle.
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10:46 am
I think you’re generalizing because you’re secretly homophobic but you feel the need to overcompensate in public.
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10:56 am
Me? Homophobic? Dude, I march in gay pride parades for fuck’s sake!
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11:17 am
Clearly you’re just overcompensating.
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11:29 am
And you base that on what?
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11:44 am
Claire hates gays.
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11:50 am
Dracula, shouldn’t you be off preparing for Halloween?
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12:13 pm
I am doing that today, yes.
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10:26 am
Well you’re always talking about how these guys must be repressed homosexuals due to their tendency to bag on the gays. Clearly you are the other end of the spectrum; a repressed homophobe. It is obvious.
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6:30 pm
All of the gay guys I know I really nice.
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9:49 pm
I gotta say, aside from all the bullshit in this article, that’s an awesome comeback.
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11:09 pm
This article is bullshit!
This site is fake!
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3:04 am
20 Pound a baby …
man the Biggest fattest was approx 12 pound and the mother and the baby ahd complication when he was born
so 20 Pound is kinda BIG maybe if its was an elephant but still
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11:32 am
Lol 20 pound is well over a stone, that is massive for a baby, it would f***ing hurt if not kill the mother too give birth.
And your forgetting an other reason to wear protection, STD’s… I’m sure nether sex wants those, and why would anyone want a kid while they are at collage, it seems so counter productive and anyone educated enough would avoid getting STD’s an unwanted pregnancies, clearly both parties would be stupid ether way…
Meh….
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7:07 pm
What about no premarital sex…?
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1:23 am
You people are completely BATSH*T F*CKING LOONEY. And you, dear sir author, have obviously been rejected by many a woman and are now bitter because you couldn’t get some. Do us all a favor and check yourself in to the nearest insane asylum at your convenience. Condemn me all you want, you group of fruit loops, I am completely confident in my system of beliefs. Good luck in the afterlife!
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