How To Stop Your Child From Becoming Atheist (A Step-By-Step Guide For Desperate Parents)
1) Do not educate them at all, or expose them to critical thinking, logic or science.
2) Lie to them constantly about how the world works. Feed them a steady diet of shite dressed up as knowledge, and pretend that it’s deep wisdom.
3) Make them loathe their own natural bodies and functions. Convince them that they are small and weak and worthless and need redemption. Tell them that everything enjoyable is grievously wrong to even be thought about, and that their only fun should be grovelling to an invisible friend.
4) Ensure that they resent anyone who is unlike them in any way – skin colour, nationality, political opinion, but especially creed. Make such people out to be evil and vile and give them the fictional ability to somehow oppress the vast majority that do think like you.
5) Teach them to laugh at and dismiss any hand of faith but their own. Make sure they are taught the difference between superstitious deadly error (that one raving lunatic in a desert told the truth of a vicious God that killed people) and divine eternal truth (that another raving lunatic in a desert told the truth of a vicious God that killed people.)
6) Instruct with all severity and import never to question for themselves. Never to think for themselves, never to live for themselves, but to seek answers from just one particular set of semi-literate Bronze Age folk tales.
7) Above all, and this cannot be over-emphasized, make sure that they cannot spell correctly, cannot use correct grammar, or understand basic English words.
Now, this is most definitely a serious article. All you silly, not-really-real Christians (who are really just normal, probably chavvy kids, using God’s name to big themselves up) can go teach your kids how to be as ignorant as their Mummy and Daddy. That is of course, if they are still in contact.
- Sinful
- Suspicious
- Scared
- Sad
- Amused
- Laughing Out Loud
Author: CapnNiamhy
8:28 pm
hahaha funny Great article
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8:48 pm
This is all mostly right, but the authors attempt to belittle these tried and true Christian positions is dishonest at best. For example, regarding #1, science is man’s poor attempt at understanding God. It takes logic and superior critical thinking skills to draw this conclusion.
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8:50 pm
You mean it takes the intelligence of a mentally challenged monkey on drugs to draw this conclusion.
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9:51 pm
Dude… what would a mentally challenged monkey even be like on drugs? I googled retard drugmonkey and nothing came up…
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12:40 pm
a very messed up monkey
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8:55 pm
Wow, that is awesome. Thank you for pointing out how this website works and tries to force kids into being Christian by not educating them abut anything. Good job.
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9:10 pm
I’m with ya there Dracula.
I’m still waiting for Dishonest Abe or Safety Dan to write about me.
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9:15 pm
So, just fyi, my name is Damien. You know, Damien Blade Spring. I keep needing to change my name so that I can post. Also, Dracula is Auggie. I am not. Thank you Wretched.
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10:49 pm
Hey Damien. It’s awful that you keep having to change your name.
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10:54 pm
Well, so far, I have been able to keep this one active. However, for most of last week, they had me on the mod list, and I couldn’t post with out them deleting it.
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11:16 pm
Maybe you shouldn’t post the same picture 100 times.
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11:29 pm
Well, when it describes the situation every time, how can I not. Also, I only post it once on each board. I am not saying that I probably did not deserve the “ban/mod death” but it would be nice to at least have the warning first. That is all I am going to say on this subject because the last time I mentioned it, I ended up banned again.
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1:36 am
And by some insane stroke of luck, they haven’t moded me yet. Come on! What do I gotta do?
I love satan!!!!!!!!! He fucks old Christian ladies and the moderator of this site!!!!!
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1:40 am
ExMach (if you don’t mind me calling you that), just post the same thing over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over. They will mod you then.
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1:41 am
Most likely. I don’t know. Either that, or curse A LOT.
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1:49 am
Option 2 doesn’t work so…..
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1:50 am
Option 2 doesn’t work so….. Option 2 doesn’t work so….. Option 2 doesn’t work so….. Option 2 doesn’t work so….. Option 2 doesn’t work so….. Option 2 doesn’t work so….. Option 2 doesn’t work so…..
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1:53 am
ExMech, I mean post the same thing on multiple boards. It seemed that when I posted the picture of Gerard Way on all the boards, they decided that I was a threat or something. IDK.
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10:44 pm
Children’s Bibles are also effective in teaching children about God’s love and wrath.
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12:41 am
Ya they cut even more crap that they “no longer call in” then the normal bible that changes every year.
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12:42 am
Don’t forget read the bible and not just part of it read ALL OF IT.
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12:51 am
Including the Tanach. That’s the Hebrew Bible for the uneducated.
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12:03 pm
There’s a Hebrew Bible targeted specifically at the uneducated?
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2:41 pm
Oh, Darkseid, you know what I meant.
However, you are right, I did make a grammatical error. So, for the sake of being grammatically correct, here is how it should have read.
“Including the Tanach. That’s the Hebrew Bible, for the uneducated.”
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11:28 pm
Lol hahahaha
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12:09 pm
The cleft lipped author if this article has too many facts wrong for me to decipher.
All I know is that my wife and son have shown signs of atheism and it has turned my life into a living hell. My wife now demands pleasure during her intimate duties and does all these strange positions like dogg and cowgirl in reverse. Holding her down is making what once was a very satisfying experiences very tiring with all the kicking and grabbing that she does. My son is now going to rock and jungle music concerts and is hanging out with vile emosexuals that have no respect for the authority of God.
I’ve tried to teach them both how to become good christens but they won’t learn. And now that my son can walk without a limp again and my wife’s vision has cleared up, I thought that they would join me at evening services last night but they still refuse to go. I’m beginning to feel that rage build inside me again.
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3:41 pm
Come on, you guys can do better than this. This article is trite and just blatantly over the top. Let’s be a more subtle, shall we?
Yours in me,
Jesus
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4:20 pm
Hahaha, YES. This is what seems to have happened to ninety-five percent of my school. My best friend was raised in a similar fashion, and we’re both Atheist.
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9:46 pm
Brah, the more articles you put up like these, the less genuinely funny articles I find.
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4:21 am
Orr, I am willing to forgive the author. I feel his or her justified rage against the evil stupidity.
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