As Halloween night approaches, it’s a forgone conclusion that many of you will be attending parties with your friends. Everyone is making the requisite uploads to Facebook showing off their ability to smear their faces with makeup, wear the most hookerish clothing possible and have a good time with their favorite allies.
But as the weekend is here and you prepare to have some Halloween exploits, there are some pointers that will keep you safe. It’s preferable that you stay home and do something productive like pray, but since many of you cannot wait to be deviledwhores and show off your scantily clad bodies or awesome costumes, hopefully this guide will lead you to make it through the night of demons and goblins, have a great time and be safe. Beyond anything, we always want the best for our readers and community.
Also, if your costume turned our really good or you have some good, classic and fun (but clean) picture shots from your Halloween parties, please email the pictures to HolyMailbox@christwire.org. We will feature the images in ‘ChristWire Flock’s Halloween”.
5. Don’t Leave Your Drinks Unattended
If you were like me, your mother pulled you aside before you took off for college and gave you a warning: “Never leave your soda bottles out of your sight. They will spike it with drugs and do crazy things with you while you’re all messed up!” I once forgot mother’s logic when at a fraternity, social, and a lusting cheerleader did try to slip me a roofie, but her Jezebel ways and ensuing night is a story for another time.
You know a party is excessive when make-up addict men are in the corner snorting white lines of substance, four foot double d midget people are running around with 4 Loco and you see a random 70-year-old war veteran in a ballerina’s tutu doing a keg stand. Somewhere Michael Jackson will be singing Thriller, you sit your drink down because you’re distracted and pick it up later, then the next memory you have is something like this:
You know the party was excessive when you wake up next to Sarah Jessica Parker. Remember, be safe and don’t drink at Halloween parties.
4. Beware Secret Candy “Jungle Lists”
Smarties. Candy corns. Fun-size skittles. Bazooka. Three Musketeers. Tootsie Rolls. These are among the traditional candies of Halloween’s past, the memories of our childhoods and still staple of Halloween buckets nationwide.
But what were once safe Halloween treats are now being used as code names for drugs. If you’re outside the realm of popular culture, you will not be hip to the secret lingo surrounding the exchange of drugs and illicit compounds for traditional candy.
The ‘new thing’ is to call the random mixing of drugs and giving them candy names is creating a “Jungle List”. This was popularized during the Dubstep Music Movement in the late 1980s. At dubstep parties, a participant ‘dub steps’ (walks off balance in unnatural ways) after eating ‘party candy’ that they can pick from a ‘jungle list’.
While Uncle Tweety’s Liquid Flipper, Blushing Cherry Mashgasm, Butter Phallic Fingers, Lemon Tinglers, and Magic York Minties. The big candy this year is Goldilocks and the Sleeping Bears.
Already in Columbia, South Carolina, a weekend Halloween party at a local fraternity featured these new Goldilocks and the Three Sleeping Bears packets. The candies are infused with powerful Russian vodka, the outside core being doused in liquid LSD.
The candies immediately cloud the mind with lurid thoughts and force the eyes to be emerged in a colorful sea of the most vibrant, neon colors. Pangs of pure sensuality cause people to yearn for stripping their clothing off and furiously rubbing their heaving, drug-sweat induced bodies against one another until a passionate release if felt throughout the body.
Many people at the party did not realize the Gummy Bears were laced with such compounds. “It’s very concealable. You have it in a baggie, and it looks like a candy, “said Jill Michels of the Palmetto Poison Center. “They’re eating these, and they don’t know how much alchol they’re ingesting before it’s too late.”
If you don’t want your daughter pregnant, you should probably forbid her from going to a Halloween party this week. As if it is not worriesome enough that most women wear a version of a hooker’s uniform to Halloween parties, now they could be tricked by vodka infused gummies.
3. Don’t Talk to Neon Colored Strangers
Bronies are the newest breed of homosexuality. Galloping around in neon-colored pony-pant suits, these men are infatuated with the dangerous show “My Little Pony”. They want everyone to take a ride on their little pony, and make no mistake, they will ply you with alcohol and make you ride reverse saddle.
These bronies are responsible for increased reports of unprecedented sodomization and even more terrifying, homosexual dusting.
All bronies are noted to have a sparkly appearance about themselves, much like Disney Magic surrounding a flingint fairy through a magical garden’s hidden meadors. The dust is anything but family happiness, though, but rather a musky mix of dried man stuff, crystalized meth and mold spores. This combination assures that the scent of dried male is taken to the brain, where the mold helps it quickly spread and the meth makes it addictive.
This combination assures that whatever male has his dried DNA in the mix can make another man addicted to his scent and yearn to cause his ‘little pony’ to make more of the scent in liquid form, which the victim will let dry up, mix in the drug mix and snort again and again. This is how the bronies addict people into riding their saddles and recruit new members. Avoid men dressed as ponies at all costs.
2. The Vajazzled Jezebels, and other scantily clad wenches
Most women attempt to dress themselves as slutty as possible on Halloween. It is a woman’s nature to draw attention to herself and if Hollywood has taught us anything, when women want attention they expose flesh.
Halloween is their favorite excuse for showing their true nature. A female’s Halloween costume is usually nude underneath, no panties or brasierres. It’s just a themed strip of fabric meant to entice you and what they probably want, you to commit an act of carnality and pay them child support 9 months later.
Do not be fooled by the hooker uniforms women wear on Halloween. They will tickle your greatest fantasies but are usually a part of a subconscious scheme to get you liquored up, having a speak-easy with a drunken Optimus Prime with two perfectly tanned double barrels and then, as mentioned, The Touch takes on a whole new meaning as they touch you until you have liquid explosion and you’re telling your kid 7 years later about the Halloween they were conceived and how you will see them for visitation on the next other weekend.
Women just want to have babies and make you pay for them, it’s crude and sneaky. Beware these following classes of Halloween sluts, good readers. They are just as nefarious as the vajazzlers of collegiate lore.
* The Nun
Every Halloween party will have a woman who dresses like a nun. Remember this adage: If you see a slutty nun, you better run. You don’t want none of those leavened buns.
A woman who would dare dress like this and disrespect Catholocism and dare invoke God’s wrath on Halloween, the most unholy of days, must be pretty indecent. Look at how she teases with the thigh kissed tights, the shiny shoes begging to come off her feet as her leather ‘habit’ has no undergarments beneath.
A quick tilt of the legs and her “Holy C” would be one full display to you, enticing your to fall in and give a miraculous conception. Women who dress like this are 90% sluts, men. To put it simple. All proper nuns are busy in their nunneries, keeping the homeless fed and tucking their students into bed.
Notice she also has a black veil, meaning that she could very well be a he. Anywhere a Black Veil Bride makes an appearance a transgender flesh experience is not too far behind.
* Sex and the City Cast, or, A Gaggle of Harlots
If you see a horse, two mules and a Columbian drug lord with an impressive chest job, it’s usually a good idea to not ask many questions and just walk in the other direction. These new age “Sex and the City’ women are also known as ‘cougars’ and will be at your Halloween party. Their surgeon husbands are busy stitching idiots who decided to see if their Superman costume could really get them to fly by the power of vodka and the obligatory roughnecks who get into annual bar fights every Halloween, so they are bored and looking for entertainment.
When women get bored, they get slutty. And since Halloween is a day for women to be sluts and have an excuse for it, these ‘cougar’ women will go on the prowl. How will they dress?
There are a few classes of costumes you should look out for. Women can costume themselves to look a lot younger than what they really are, but if you find yourself questioning if you’re talking to a nice young lady or a cougar in a sheep’s skin, look for a few signs, namely to see if they have crow’s feet around their eyes and the smell of an old baseball glove on their skin. Just beware, if you’re close enough to see that you can fall victim to their ancient snare trap.
Cougars are there to use you and toss you to the side, or entice you with repeat offensives with monetary incentive. They are like Reverse Pimps, making the experience that much more confusing for you. The best bet is to avoid groups of women pulling a flying V through a Halloween party. Odds are working against you and with their hunting experience, you can bet some guy with a British accent is making exciting commentary on a young, naive male is being preyed upon by wisened cougars.
* Cartoon Carnality
The most dangerous woman you will usually meet at a party are the costumed cartoon jezebels. These are more aptly described as “Cartoon Carnality” and these women use nostalgia to tempt you into their non-pixelated sin zones.
Above we see a young Asian woman has dressed as Pikachu. You may also come across Smurfette, comic book characters, Sango (the goddess of Japanese inuyasha perversions), Dora the Explorer and of course Sponge Bob Squarepants. Stay away from the seas of iniquity good friends and do not get caught in the sponge traps of temptation.
1. Midnight Mexicans and the Munchies
Like a kid left with the house keys for the weekend, many of you will hear all this wisdom and still not heed Poppa Watson’s wisdom. The second you hit a Halloween party, you’ll be taking jellow shots from a vajazzled midgets gootch region and letting a unicorn bronie reverse sodomize you after snorting lines of pony dust.
In all of this, you’ll end the night groggy, sore and hungry. In your confusion, you’ll make your way to a Jack-in-the-Box or late-night Ralphs to at least fill your belly. That’s when you will encouter the most dangerous thing of all on Halloween: a Midnight Mexican.
Mexicans are very scary on Halloween. Unlike Americans, they celebrate something called “Dia de los Muertos”, which is basically like a rave with the addition of crying women, drug soaked sopapillas and horrible mariachi music.
These inhuman creatures will try and deal drugs to your sons and corrupt them in the streets with their whining women, if they can be called that. They use their poor English accents to make you take pity on them and have you buy them things by letting their female species come up to you and your families and say, “You buy. You buy.” It’s sad, really.
The Mexicans think that by trying to show up in the streets with their gang tattos and baggy gang clothing that barely covers their squiddangles, they can play along in our great American traditions. That’s simply not allowed! In order for that to even be a dream for them, which we all know Mexicans don’t dream, they would have to be Americans. And they’re very clearly not! Their dirty minds and filthy skin accompanied by greasy butchered hair, probably done by Satan’s personal stylist, are just gross.
And all of this Mexican culture and attitude is surrounding you at midnight, your mind still swimming with drug-infused gummies, liquid LSD and the sulfuric whiffs of fecal pony gases. It will be a rough Halloween night of exploitation and shame for you if you do not take heed, my dear readers.
Please take care of yourselves, be safe and follow this crucial life guide. Share it with those who you love most and most importantly, beware things that sparkle with the glittery glam of parading demons on Halloweens.