• More Proof of Why Cats Cannot be Trusted

    October 4, 2011 9:17 am 119 comments

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    Adam Nelson

    Over 500 years ago, Queen Elizabeth I issued Sir Walter Raleigh an order: find more savage lands to conquer and teach them a better way of life. Such an order naturally lead Sir Raleigh to America, a land full of disgraceful savages who infested the future land of Manifest Destiny for true Americans, the people of global leadership, vision and morality.

    But Satan’s hand is always at work. Much like Jonah, Raleigh passed the buck and told a group of settlers to go to America and settle unto the land. They did. They set-up a colony named Roanoke and quickly they met with the savage Indians.

    Being not accustomed to savages, they knew not that the Indians were nefarious brutes. The brave colonists of Roanoke shared with the Indians great Western world inventions such as farming of crops, creating of medicine, riding of horses, settling of livestock and the companionship of dogs. The Indians were jealous and afraid.

    Being superstitious and bloodthirsty, as proved in Mel Gibson’s great film Apocalypto, the Indians plotted a way to bring suffering and misery to the good people of Roanoke.

    One other gift given to the Indians were stories for the Bible. The King James Bible was not yet invented, and as the uneducated Indians did not have the concept of words but only symbols, it would not have done them any good. Therefore, the stories and drawings from the colonists were enough to teach Indians the basics of reality. It was from these lessons that Satan was able to fully reveal himself to their great Indian Chiefs.

    Knowing that their primitive arrows and silly warpaint intimidation were nothing for these mighty colonists who could even travel upon the seas, the Indians smoked marijuana and consulted their great Big Chief Elders. The Elders knew the colonists were of God and that any other ‘god’ was false, and therefore, was of Satan. It was at this moment the Indians realized they were the children of Satan himself.

    One on fateful night, these bloody savages did their greatest evil rituals of all time. They made Satan himself manifest in a deep forest, engulfing a tree in wrath. To this day, mysterious markings around the trees of Roanoke confirm this evil event.

    Satan whispered to the Indians that their technology was laughable, but they had one natural resource that could be used to possess the colonists and make them crazy with demonics. Cats.

    The colonists did not bring cats with them on the long journey, as cats are evil creatures. Historical revisionists try to claim old boats had cats to hunt potential rats, but that is all a product of liberals trying to cover the truth of cat’s worthlessness and America’s need for a National Cat Euthanization Bureau (NCEB).

    From what historians can piece together, stray cats began to appear in the colony, planted by the Indians who had stockpiles of them hidden for pagan ceremony. The hapless colonists, with the wise leadership of Sir Raleigh or a seasoned pastor, were tricked by the hapless mews of kittens. The kittens soon consumed their ‘owners’, as they are prone to do, then Satan used some form of Wiccan chants from the Indians to most likely transfer demons into the colonoy and into their churches, their homes, their schools and their stores.

    The colonists went mad and all ran around, likely jumping into the ocean, off cliffs and into the savage forests of untamed America, where alone, the Indians were free to ravage, sodomize and scalp them all. The cats had betrayed their masters. To this day, there are still stories of cats who bite the jugular of their owners in their sleep.

    The colony of Roanoke was done in by Indians who made a deal with Satan, to use cats as mediums of betrayal. Cat fur fibers can still be seen in the colony until this very day.

    But do not let your guard up, my friends. This harrowing story from history is to tell you that cats are evil creatures of betrayal and are directly connected to Satan. As you sleep or are away, the inherent predatory evil of a cat is enhanced by whispers from their true master, Satan.

    Here we see two captured cats proving the point. Thinking they had trapped a new master, these two cats were left alone in a restroom. The door was suddenly swung open and you can see the demons were shocked to be caught in the act! It is like a scene from Paranormal Activity 3!

    You can see Satan in the eyes of those cats. Why do people allow these lowly animals to freely breed? Rest assured, I have assured two less cats are on Earth this week and you must do the same.

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    About The Author
    Adam Nelson

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