• More Proof of Why Cats Must Die: Savage Gang of Lions, Tigers, Bears, and Cheetahs Kill Zanesville Wildlife Preserve Staff, Terrorize Town and Force School Closing

    October 19, 2011 9:02 am 48 comments
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  • Lions, tiger and bears, and cheetahs. Oh my! Grab your shotguns, good readers, because there is some cat hunting to do in Eastern Ohio.

    Jungle warfare has broken out in Eastern Ohio as sheriff’s deputies are currently in a standoff with over 12 dozen wild animals. The unholy menagerie of mauling mauraders started yesterday, when reports of animals fleeing an ‘animal sanctuary’ began to be tweeted by Toledo locals and nearby residents of Licking County, who organized the town’s miltia.

    It’s like a ghost town. All is still and only the most eerie, howling winter winds can be felt on the skin. In the distance, the ornery pants of beasts yearning for human flesh in the grainiest grays of dusk’s emergence. It is scary and frightening. These beasts are like no other and their appetite will only be met with the screams of our fleeting lives. — Annabelle Adams, concerned mother in Zanesville, Ohio.

    Flashing signs litter the highways of eastern Ohio. On the signs display this message: Exotic animals on the loose. Beware, beware! Call 911!

    As described in the statement from Annabelle Adams, the streets are dismal and lonely. But only hours before, when the first news reports of the savage, demented beasts overtaking the town first emerged, it was a scene of chaos.

    Men tore home from the work office, frustrated by their own fear and madly demanding their children be brought outside the class to only flee home and take barricaded shelter. Mothers scurried and hurried to Wal-mart, stocking up on supplies and ensuring their families were safe and together.

    Police reports soon confirmed the worst of what was initially unofficially reported: residents who lived near a wildlife preserve were being dragged off by savage creatures resembling lions, tigers, cheetahs, leopards and wildy grizzly bears, the most deadly of the Earth’s cats. These beasts are said to be at least double the size of normal, battling with frustrated battalions of sherriff’s deputies who are reporting losses and that not even direct SWAT team barrages of shotgun bullets are fully damaging these animals.

    While it is unconfirmed how the animals plotted it, the carcasses of what appears to be Zanesville Zoo staff have been found all throughout Eastern Ohio. It’s just like Planet of the Apes, but being played out with the most dangerous of beasts, cats.

    Zanesville police are sharp and trained, using night vision to capture the animals by surprise and warding off liberal concern from PETA, more concerned about the mauling legion of savage cats than the harm they can bring to the innocent people in the community.

    The situation is so dire, that all schools in Eastern Ohio have to be closed.

    Advice given to residents is if an animal is encourtered “Don’t run, just scream”. Residents of nearby Licking County have called upon their SWAT Team calibre militia to help run down these rogue cats. Reports state that the unholy menagerie of cats must be Egyptian in nature, for they have used the powers of Satan’s chief demon Set to lure other animals into their war on mankind.

    Reported in the Lurid Legion of 48 Exotic Beasts, as it is now being called in media, are also three humped camels, red-eyed wolves who howl at the daylight sun and even more terrifying, bull horned giraffes. It is a sick genetic abomination of the worst of Africa and I bet just like anything else involving giant Africans, our suburban daughters are in the most danger. I will be calling Ohio to see where me and my shotgun can be put to use. This is all the more proof of why cats cannot be trusted.

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    Abe If you don't like what you just read here you can just get out of my country. Now how about that smart-alack. Follow me on twitters. Poke me as your New Friend on Facebook!!

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