Parents: How to properly handle Halloween holiday
If done right, Halloween can actually be a positive holiday for the family rather than the devil’s delight that it has morphed into in recent years. Parents should be concerned what this holiday does to their childrens’ eternal souls and should take care not to accidentally damn them all to hell for all of infinite. My Christian family has always done Halloween the proper way, and I am definite evidence of immaculate Christian soul as a result! Take these tips into your family’s Halloween holiday.
Costumes
The tradition of dressing up is what Parents need to take the most serious. Anything even remotely related to the devil, or even anything removed from Jesus Christ cannot be allowed to be worn. For example, one Halloween when I was young I wanted to be Indiana Jones. I thought he was a rough tough adventurer who resembled good Christian masculinity. However, I lacked the wisdom of my parents like all young people do. They lovingly pointed out to me that Indiana Jones carries a whip, a homosexual sex toy. At that moment I knew that I could not dress up as Jones. I could see the devil dragging me into hell with a fiery whip around my ankle and my parents casting disappointed looks as I was consumed by the hellish flames. It was a good lesson, and I instead went as Christian hero Kirk Cameron.
It should also be noted that any costumes exposing excessive flesh should be burned immediately. This includes slutty milk sac nurse, barbarians, anything phallic in nature, Rihanna, Cleopatra, and smurfs.
Several times my family dressed up as members of other pagan religions like islam or jews and even a chinese. Prayer should always be undergone before dressing up and one should not leave the house in these costumes as people will get the wrong idea about you. It’s always a good laugh!
Candy
Halloween is often separated into 2 issues: The issue of your immortal soul and the issue of candy and your health. Well I’m here to tell you that these are one in the same! It is no coincedence that candy is sticky and has ruinous properties. Candy sweets are sent straight from the devil himself. Cavities are small demons that latch onto your teeth and then ride your bloodstream straight into your brain, causing demon possession and homosexuality. Everhone knows that children are especially susceptible to the lure of candy sweet and i will share with you how my mother would eliminate my cravings.
After we had finished collectiing candy, I would ask my mother if I could have some. She told me “Sure darling, but you have to eat it all!” I thought this was so amazing that my mother would let me devour ALL of my candy. She sat and watched me eat sweet after sweet, and I was absolutely ecstatic. However soon i started to feel sick and my teeth felt rotten and sugary. I still had half the bag, and I turned to leave but my mother caught me by the arm. “I said you had to eat all of it darling!” She has very stern eyes. I sat back down and finished all of my candy and threw up numerous times shortly after from the sickening sweetness. I didn’t eat candy for months! Isn’t my mother brilliant? I love her.
Jesusween
Of course there is always the option of forgoing Halloween altogether and celebrating Jesusween, the traditional christian holiday.
I hope these tips help your Family this holiday! God Bless You Alll
Nicholas
- Sinful
- Suspicious
- Scared
- Sad
- Amused
- Laughing Out Loud
Author: Nicholas Tadmor
Isn't the fact that proof requires evidence evidence for God existing? Think about it Atheists. I am Christian student getting a good education
3:07 pm
I still much prefer Ieroween to either Halloween or your made-up Jesusween. Ieroween is a much better holiday since it celebrates Frank Iero’s birthday instead of the pagan holiday of All Hallows Eve, or whatever you want to call your made up holiday.
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6:42 pm
Amen to that!
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6:53 pm
Remember when they tried to ban Halloween cause they said it’s “evil” ya me too.
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10:18 pm
Cavities are demons?
Are you fucking kidding me?
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10:33 pm
Paganist do not worship the devil. They worship gods, which is exactly the same as worshiping yahweh or allah or any other deity.
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11:16 pm
Kids prefer tracts and coupons to free church more than candy. They respect it’s the gift that keeps giving for eternity.
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2:55 am
huh if you give them that you will have eggs throw at your house
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3:07 am
i know ill be making a ton of cash this holloween then
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1:47 pm
I prefer candy. Every kid does too. Your house is getting egged.
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4:38 pm
oh, the powers that be, help me. are serious? do you know that all hallows eve existed before christianity was spread about? what’s scary is that you think that a whip is a homosexual sex toy. oh, i’m going to hell, cuz our town is known as Whip City, since they used to make all kinds of whips here, the ones they used on carriages and such. so lion tamers are homosexuals too? wtf? this is one reason why i don’t believe in any, i mean ANY organized religion.
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4:43 pm
from your username I can tell you are very biased so i will not bother reading your comment
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1:46 am
Boys and girls of every age
Would you like to see something strange,
Come with us and you will see,
This our town of Halloween.
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8:54 pm
This was supposed to be a response to The Wretched.
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11:41 pm
From the way this sounds, you must have been severely deprived of a normal child hood. I’d say my prayers are with your poor, depraved soul but unfortunately I’M FUCKING PAGAN!!!
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3:44 pm
Your mother sounds like a bitch. No wonder you are like this.
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