• Ryan Seacrest, Students Throwing Mistletoe Monday Parties to Celebrate Buy Justin Bieber’s new iTunes Release

    October 17, 2011 1:22 pm 4 comments

    Exposing backsides to the lapping lips of hormone-enraged males, your daughters may be in the number today celebrating “Mistletoe Monday”, Justin Bieber’s new iTunees release, by stripping down to her undies and letting all oncoming males roast their perverted chesnuts on her open derriere.  It’s a nightmare before Christmas that will affect thousands of homes nationwide, parents.  Is your daughter in this exploited number?

    Teenaged crooner Justin Bieber is behind a new brand of dangerous parties sweeping through America’s high schools and colleges.  Mistletoe Monday Parties:  reports of these events began popping up today in media and the figures are devastating.  58 college girls waking up drunk, clothes strung all about and bodies exhausted after thrusting loin sessions fueled by magic mint and the illegal drinking substance 4 loco.  In Los Angeles, California, over 89 cases of rear-pleated buggery at Loyola Marymount University with dozens other similar acts reported across the mainland.  Fraternity boys and sorority girls are all reporting devastating acts performed upon their members who attended the parties.  8 students are still report as missing.

    From preliminary reports, these Justin Bieber Mistletoe Monday parties are exlusive to fans subscribed to Justin Bieber’s fanclub.  Near large campuses across America, at the stroke of midnight parties commenced with explicit instructions on the events that were to transpire in celebration of Justin Bieber’s newest iTunes release, Mistletoe.


    Notorious media figures Ryan Seacrest and Usher take photo together, celebrating the wealth their contracted boytoy Justin Bieber is brining to their already massive coffers. Are these two in on the Mistletoe Monday party tragedies taking place nationwide?

    One email from a person who was too ashamed to be mentioned by name after the party:  “The party in your area will start at the stroke of midnight.  Simply sign into iTunes to by the newest track (download on your iPhone 4Gs and iCloud stream it!).  To get everyone loose, stock up on massive amounts of 4 loco and soak magic mint in it before the party.  Everyone has to rock it, smoke it, drink it and thrust it!  It will be a day you never forget!”

    The combition of  magic mint and 4 loco has a deadly effect on the neuromuscular system.  For women, the effects of the drugs causes their sinholes to become pliable and their morals to become loose.

    The hypothalmus of the their brain becomes overactive, causing their body to become flush and heavily sweat from the upper brow, the sweat then trickling down their tensing, firm bodies and causing their most lustful places to emit the most sensual pheremones.

    These pheremones heighen the urgency the drug presents to the mind of the male, becoming engourged with the most explicit of sins imaginable.  The drug is mind-altering, the percent alcohol of the 4-loco exacerbating the already hallucinogenic nature implicit with marijuana, the chief component of magic mint.

    College woman holding 4 Loko and Magic Mint at a Mistletoe Monday Justin Bieber Party

    Unable to contain their urges, the males and females at these party wildly rip off clothing and throw their bodies into one another, all while the vocoded voice of Justin Bieber surrounds the air, causing the minds of the party goers to swirl in a confusing bliss of electronica, lust and downright shameful fulfillment of deepest carnal desires.  The aftermath is exhaustion and shame, the exploits of lust causing man-man and woman-woman bondings that would not normally take place.

    These Mistletoe Monday parties and their fuel, Magic-mint laced 4-loko, are already making their way to Twitter and Facebook.

    If you notice suspicious behavior from your daughter, perhaps asking for a ‘few hundred dollars’ for college school supplies or wanting to keep distant today, if you perhaps offer an impromptu visit, immediately suspect she’s hiding shame from one of these Bieber parties. If your son is acting suspicious and has always been a bit unreasonably dainty, be wary and assume he could be a secret Justin Bieber fan.

    The best course of action is direct. Accuse your child of attending a Mistletoe Party over the weekend, search for alcohol related products in their rooms and if any signs of partying show up on their Facebook, threaten to pull their college tuition and if living at home, ground them until STD checks/pregnancy checks come back clean.

    Justin Bieber’s music is very dangerous and has no place in a moral home. Bieber is the product of a gangster rapper named Usher, has been caught doing gross, illicit acts with illegal Mexicans and smoking drugs with the notorious street gang the Los Angeles Crisps.

    Friends, let us be wary the dangers of Justin Bieber and keep your daughter of Satan’s supper table by assuring the marinades of sin will not be spilled on her at one of these Mistletoe Monday parties.

    Thanks for rating this! Now tell the world how you feel through social media. .
    How does this post make you feel?
    • Excited
    • Fascinated
    • Amused
    • Shocked
    • Sad
    • Angry
    About The Author
    Thad Connely The gentleman of choice, Thad Connely brings experience of two familial generations of news coverage and hard biting reports.

    Facebook Conversations