“Strike me down now and I will become more powerful than you can ever imagine.” This is what Jesus said to the jews before they squewered him on the cross. Of course we know Jesus is God in the flesh and he died to erase our sins. However, the dark stinky sin still leaks out of us everyday. Without god’s hand plugging it all up our sin would leak out explosively, leaving our souls burned, chafed and messy. Not to mention very unsightly.
Luckily for the average sinner turning into the light is rather straightforward. All you must do is understand the Gospel. I apply the gospel everyday to everything I do and, I must say, I am definitely a model Christian and I am absolutely getting into heaven for sure. Here I share with you my friends the meaning of the Gospel. Again, it’s really super easy.
1. FEAR GOD
To fear god you must accept that he is real. Most atheists actually do believe in God but their emosexual and homogay lifestyle choices bind them to “act cool” and rebel because they are lazy and stupid. Bands like Blood Veal Brides and My Chemical Romance and Vampire Weekday have gay aetheist lyrics that perpetrate these hipster behaviors. So believing is the easy part, because it’s so obvious to everyone. The hard part for most people is really FEARING GOD. There are so many homogays in America we should all be really afraid that God doesn’t send the moon crashing into California or Masschussets during a gay “marriage.” Or *WAIT* maybe God would send a hurricane instead of destroying our beautiful moon??? Hmmm… What’s also important is repenting to Jesus cause he died. Jesus is the ONLY WAY to God and once you get used to the idea it’s really easy to see why.
2. LIVE RIGHTEOUSLY
Having faith in God and being really afraid of him is not enough for all you queers and pagan jews out there. You also have to live righteously. What this means is doing your good works for people, being kind, doing unto others as you want them to do to you etc. etc. etc. For example, if I was a raging gay queer little monster GayGay I would want my friend to open up a Sexuality Restorative Pyschotherapy Center where I can go and get all fixed up. This would probably only take a few days because no one really wants to be backside diddled by some illegal mexigay hooker in a dark alley every night. Living righteously is also REALLY easy and I do it all the time. I’m really good at the Gospel.
Hopefully you were paying attention this whole time because here’s where the judgment comes in. If you fear god and live righteously, you will erecting your holy tower and be thrust into the gates of heaven to receive judgment and the ultimate prize: Salvations!!!!
The gospel can be applied to every part of your life. See I even use it on my math tests. First I get really scared of getting the problem wrong so I get really frantic and upset and sometimes cry a little, but then I remember the rules of mathematical and I follow them faithfully. Finally I evaluate (pass judgement, get it?) my work and then I turn in my exam with a smile and say “Here ya go teach!”