• 12 Things Every Homosexual Craves This Christmas

    November 25, 2011 9:19 pm 64 comments
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  • With the birthday of Jesus fast approaching, let us yank back the cover on the homosexual agenda once again and take a look at the naked truth sprawled out before us. Yes, even during the celebration of our Savior’s birth we cannot turn away from that dark, swarthy body of challenges posed shamelessly before our conscientious gaze. Gleaned from many years as a witness to atrocious homosexual indulgence, here is what every gay man in America is secretly working to achieve and receive, with drooling lipglossed lips and martini-fueled cries, this Christmas season.

    12. Antonin Scalia and Clarence Thomas’ Retirement From the Supreme Court
    Homosexual activists abhor the fact that this dynamically Christian duo stands up for traditional rights and the Constitution. Thankfully, gay “marriage” will never be nationally recognized in America as long as the Batman and Robin of Biblical justice wear their superhero capes in our land’s highest court.

    christwire christmas11. Succulents
    I have never understood the fascination with these ugly little plants. Design blogs like Apartment Therapy post about them breathlessly every week, to the gleeful delight of their most flamboyant readers. Maybe pansies are just too obvious? Or is it that such bright flowers clash with mid-century modern decor?

    10. Lap Dance From Serbian Tennis Sensation Janko Tipsarevic
    Sports hero homoeroticism is far too visible today and professional men’s tennis circuit is entirely to blame. With their half-naked practice sessions and erotic grunts that echo through hushed arenas, this game has enticed many a young man to experiment with short shorts and far worse. For same-sexers, top seed Janko Tipsarevic best appeals to their acquired taste for mealy European tennis musk.

    9. The Discovery of a Lost Season of The Golden Girls
    The radical agenda of these hateful little ladies has never gone away, even though their show was cancelled decades ago. Imagine the hullabaloo America’s leather daddies would throw if 26 more episodes of Maude, Betty, Blanche and Sophia were discovered. They’d be rioting for our nation’s cheesecake stockpiles like it was Stonewall all over again.

    christwire christmas8. Oral Sodomy
    “Once you get over the smell, you’ve got it licked!” Yes, that was one reader’s comment on my article exposing the growing trend of anus “rimmings” in gay America today. Foul!

    7. Apple App That Detects Pubic Lice
    Are you itchy down there? Do you also want an excuse to show off your iPhone and post photos of yourself shirtless to Facebook? Here’s the solution to your most urgent needs this holiday season!

    6. Speedos!
    Never has there been a demographic more obsessed with this disturbing form of outerwear. Not only do speedos reveal just how glutinous a man’s glutinous maximums are, they also make one’s front parts look like a dead mouse hanging by its tail. Is that what turns you on gay people, jelly and rodent carcasses?

    the craigslist hookup5. Open-Ended Immigration Policy With Brazil
    With their sweaty promiscuity and third world-hardened bodies, Latinos inspire much gay male fantasy. The most fetishized amongst them– the Brazilians— earn top marks (and dollars!) in the United States because they’re endowed enough to make even the old whores amongst you feel something. “Open Borders: Double Entendre Entendred” should be their slogan.

    4. Permanent Solution to Back Hair
    Why do homosexuals loathe the natural grit of real men? So we grow old, so we grow back hair, what’s the problem? You can’t have that hairless teen body all your life (unless you’re shelling out the big bucks for twink hookers, and I know some of you are).

    3. Marcus Bachmann Comes Out of the Closet Live on Maury Povich
    The liberal elites have slandered the Bachmanns in every way possible, even suggesting that a handsome and virile family man like Marcus might secretly harbor burning same-sex desires. Why would any guy turn his back on a glorious, successful wife like Michelle? Unbelievable!

    christwire christmas2. Christwire’s Shocking New Book
    No one relishes sin like an American homosexual. They love to spit on Biblical morality while fornicating like a jackhammers of obscenity, even going so far to pretend that they’re “99% Hetero” on secret sexual hookup sites like Craiglist and Manhunt. It wouldn’t surprise me to see the Christwire Handbook used as a bedside table prop so that some scruffy jock can distract you with the possibility of prayer long enough to grab you from behind, grapple you down and force you to beg for “Big Daddy’s Salty Sausage” on his freshly-ironed, 600-thread count Martha Stewart sheets.

    1. The Utter Annihilation of Evangelical Wisdom in America
    Yes, we all know what’s in your hearts, homosexual clickers of Christwire. Please at least have the decency to wipe that creamy chrism off your chins before spouting off on topics you know next to nothing about.

    Let me be the first to wish you a very Merry Christmas everybody!!!

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    About The Author
    Stephenson Billings Stephenson Billings is an Investigative Journalist, Motivational Children's Party Entertainer and Antique Soda Bottle Collector all in one special, blessed package! Facebook me here or Fanmail me: StephensonBillings@yahoo.com !

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